I'm caring for my dad in his own home, and over the past 6 months or so things have got much more demanding. I really need to get away for a few days break with my OH, so will have to sort out care for Dad while we're away. I don't think having carers coming into the house throughout the day will be enough to keep him safe, and there's no family nearby to help out, so I really think the only option we have is a care home. I've started contacting local care homes who can offer respite care and I'll be having a look round them soon. My main worry is how we'll persuade Dad to go into respite while we're away. I'm quite sure he'll hate the idea of leaving his home and will be adamant that he can take care of himself. That's absolutely not the case, but of course he doesn't see things as we do. I've read the leaflet about respite on this website, which was very helpful, but I'm just interested in other people's experiences/tips on how to broach the subject and deal with what's likely to be a very frosty reception from my Dad.
How to persuade Dad to go into respite?
- Thread starter lulu21
- Start date
Hi, We tell MiL that we're going on holiday and that she's having one too she knows it's a ch but we've never actually said anything apart from that it's a lovely place to have a holiday! I understand how hard it is to first mention 'holiday' but the word 'holiday' seems to work for us. Good luck and enjoy your break you never know your Dad might too!
respite
We are having the same problem with our aunt who is 90 years old. Our family needs a rest for at least a week. The problem is she hates being on her own for even a short time she has carers and family visiting every day but the minute some one leaves she is straight on the phone saying she's lonely. However every time we bring up respite she refuses to give it a try. We have tried to make it sound lovely but we are going round in circles.
Our mother has recently been diagnosed with dementia as well (they aren't related) and are trying to place carers for mum.
Just nice to know we aren't on our own.
We are having the same problem with our aunt who is 90 years old. Our family needs a rest for at least a week. The problem is she hates being on her own for even a short time she has carers and family visiting every day but the minute some one leaves she is straight on the phone saying she's lonely. However every time we bring up respite she refuses to give it a try. We have tried to make it sound lovely but we are going round in circles.
Our mother has recently been diagnosed with dementia as well (they aren't related) and are trying to place carers for mum.
Just nice to know we aren't on our own.
I don't suppose so, but does your dad attend a day centre that's attached to a home?
If by any stroke of luck he does, the day centre staff could take him through when the session's over.
Just a thought, probably not any use but thought I'd mention it.
If by any stroke of luck he does, the day centre staff could take him through when the session's over.
Just a thought, probably not any use but thought I'd mention it.
Lulu, hi
I have to say that I never tried to persuade my dad to go into respite, I simply said that it was happening and he would have a change of scene for a week and then come home.
I left it until the last minute and the transport was there to collect him and his things were packed and ready to go. Having said that I never tried to persuade him to do anything since it was a useless exercise in arguing round and round and getting nowhere.
I hope you find a way that works well for you, not just this time but in the future too. Have a good break and enjoy!
With best wishes from Jo
I have to say that I never tried to persuade my dad to go into respite, I simply said that it was happening and he would have a change of scene for a week and then come home.
I left it until the last minute and the transport was there to collect him and his things were packed and ready to go. Having said that I never tried to persuade him to do anything since it was a useless exercise in arguing round and round and getting nowhere.
I hope you find a way that works well for you, not just this time but in the future too. Have a good break and enjoy!
With best wishes from Jo
Hi Lulu21,
I am experiencing the same situation. Mum lives with us I haven't had an overnight break from her in over 18 months. I am now feeling at breaking point. Our CPN & social worker have been very supportive but at the end of the day it's up to me.
As mum will not even visit a day centre and is adamant that she wishes to stay put I am in the process of contacting care agencies with a view to have sitter/companion/cook/drug administrator in twice a day to provide care in my absence.
Hubby and i are planning a weekend away hopefully in March - it's not ideal & I really would prefer for mum to be surrounded by people in a respite situation but SW, CPN all agree that this is the (expensive!) route that I have to take - for all our sanities. Good Luck.
I am experiencing the same situation. Mum lives with us I haven't had an overnight break from her in over 18 months. I am now feeling at breaking point. Our CPN & social worker have been very supportive but at the end of the day it's up to me.
As mum will not even visit a day centre and is adamant that she wishes to stay put I am in the process of contacting care agencies with a view to have sitter/companion/cook/drug administrator in twice a day to provide care in my absence.
Hubby and i are planning a weekend away hopefully in March - it's not ideal & I really would prefer for mum to be surrounded by people in a respite situation but SW, CPN all agree that this is the (expensive!) route that I have to take - for all our sanities. Good Luck.
I always find it hard to give personal experience because everyone is different. However, here's mine, for what its worth!
My dad went into respite because my mum was at breaking point - she had mentioned to him several times about it, but he always said 'no'. I don't think he could absorb the impact her caring for him was having on her.
What finally tipped it was me saying to him that mum couldn't cope and that if she got ill, who would care for him, which finally tipped it. I kind of presented it to him as a 'done deal'.
The manager of the care home we found (with available respite beds) came to visit him to find out all about him, and I think he felt quite special as she made it sound (and made him feel) as though he was the most important person in the world.
He went willingly, although sadly mum had a breakdown shortly afterwards and his placement became permanent. Given the choice it would have been a slow process and we'd have got him used to it bit by bit until it became permanent - but it worked out in the end.
You know the person best - try several approaches and see which if any appear to hit the right buttons!!
My dad went into respite because my mum was at breaking point - she had mentioned to him several times about it, but he always said 'no'. I don't think he could absorb the impact her caring for him was having on her.
What finally tipped it was me saying to him that mum couldn't cope and that if she got ill, who would care for him, which finally tipped it. I kind of presented it to him as a 'done deal'.
The manager of the care home we found (with available respite beds) came to visit him to find out all about him, and I think he felt quite special as she made it sound (and made him feel) as though he was the most important person in the world.
He went willingly, although sadly mum had a breakdown shortly afterwards and his placement became permanent. Given the choice it would have been a slow process and we'd have got him used to it bit by bit until it became permanent - but it worked out in the end.
You know the person best - try several approaches and see which if any appear to hit the right buttons!!
I have told my dad that he is going to a convalescent home when he comes out of hospital so that he can get better. We told him its a very nice "hotel" where they look after you to get you better and even though he says he wants to come home, when he is home he still wants to go "home". I'm still coming to terms with the fact that we can't cope with him at home, but if he does come home I would have my mum ill and collapsing on me as well, and I definetely not be able to cope with 2 of them.
My dad is 94 so any time he has left is a bonus at his age.
My dad is 94 so any time he has left is a bonus at his age.
Maybe you'll just have to get a mite 'brisk' - say you are going on holiday - it's booked - and the doctor says she needs a rest too, and someone to look after her while you're away. Sometimes 'the doctor says' will work, esp. with elderly people for whom doctor still = God. (not all of them, I know.)
It's so hard, though, when you know they're going to be upset or cross. Or both.
You get that 'orrible sinking feeling and have to brace yourself.
I agree with the "doctor say" approach. Slightly different situation but Mum thought the doctor at the memory clinic didnt know what she was talking about, therefore wouldn't take the tablets she'd been prescribed. After speaking to her own GP he arranged for an appoinment for her saying its for a check-up. Whilst doing the "check-up he mentioned her tablets & advised she should take them, Mum said ok she would.
Another approach was Clara for the CMHT, who goes to sees Mum everyweek. When we wanted Mum to go into respite while we put new flooring in her bungalow (carpets had been down for over 30 years & was now starting to smell), I asked Clara about respite & she said she could arrange it no problem. The problem was, if I mentioned it to Mum, she would have refused, Clara broached the subject with Mum, saying it would be a good idea to have a break whilst the work was being done. Mum agreed but only wanted to stay one week, half way through the first week, she asked me if I minded her staying another week as she was enjoying herself
Since then Mum has stayed there another week & has agreed to go maybe every 5 or 6 weeks for a weeks break .Hope things work out for you & you both have a lovely break.
Lima x
Thank you so much for all the ideas - it certainly shows there are lots of ways to approach this one! At the moment I'm thinking of starting off softly softly with Dad and getting a bit more brisk if that doesn't work, as I suspect it won't. I think the 'doctor says' technique would actually work with my dad, so that's a good one to have up my sleeve. Good luck to those of you who're in a similar position to us - I hope you do get away and have a lovely time. Then we get the next stage - not feeling guilty all the time while you're away!!
I agree with jo 1958. Sometimes they have to be told rather than convinced. We tip toed around things with my grand father in law for years trying not to force his hand.
In the end, one of the staff memebers of a nursing home next door to his retirement village gave him the hard word and said he is old, sick and tired, and can't look after himself anymore. She was quite harsh. But it was needed. Then his doctor told him he was a sick old man. And this gave him The push to let us take over and start making the changes he refused for so long.
Perhaps you need to just tell him, and tell him he is not staying at your house on his own. That is not an option. I wouldn't drag it out over weeks and months, it'll just make it more stressful for you.
In the end, one of the staff memebers of a nursing home next door to his retirement village gave him the hard word and said he is old, sick and tired, and can't look after himself anymore. She was quite harsh. But it was needed. Then his doctor told him he was a sick old man. And this gave him The push to let us take over and start making the changes he refused for so long.
Perhaps you need to just tell him, and tell him he is not staying at your house on his own. That is not an option. I wouldn't drag it out over weeks and months, it'll just make it more stressful for you.
It's really difficult, isn't it? Sadly my mam doesn't accept that my dad looks after her, so saying who would be therl to look after her if he got ill wouldn't cut any ice with her because naturally she does everything and he does nothing (she's told me this so obviously it must be right .)
Telling her briskly that something is going to happen doesn't work either, because she refuses to be told what to do. Let's face it, none of us like that very much!
I favour a not-telling-her-anything-beforehand approach, and just do whatever it is that needs doing. In this case, going for a ride out in the car and ending up at a nice 'hotel' where you can all have a cuppa, then making your escape. That sounds cruel even to me! But it's the only thing I've found that works -admittedly I've not tried it with taking her to respite yet, but I can see it coming ...
.)Telling her briskly that something is going to happen doesn't work either, because she refuses to be told what to do. Let's face it, none of us like that very much!
I favour a not-telling-her-anything-beforehand approach, and just do whatever it is that needs doing. In this case, going for a ride out in the car and ending up at a nice 'hotel' where you can all have a cuppa, then making your escape. That sounds cruel even to me! But it's the only thing I've found that works -admittedly I've not tried it with taking her to respite yet, but I can see it coming ...
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I agree with Jo 1958 and zeeb. Twice last year hubby went into respite - I'd always said that this wouldn't happen to him, but explained that I had to go to weddings (truth) and why he couldn't come - one was overseas, the other had too many steps to the church. (He's in a wheelchair). He accepted that and we talked afterwards about how they went. Yesterday he went to a different one because I was ready to crack but I just booked it the day before and that was it. He was very hurt but I think accepting.
Good luck
Good luck
This is more or less what we did when my mother went into the CH. There was no other option - discussion would have been pointless and if she'd known where she was going she'd have refused to leave the house. I can't pretend it was the best day I've ever had, we were all absolutely dreading it - but it was a case of bracing ourselves and getting on with it.
IMO there will be times when people will never agree to what's necessary, either for themselves or for their carers' health and sanity - because they simply can't understand that it is necessary - according to them they're fine! In such cases it's needs must - and if that means deception or someone from outside speaking bluntly, then that's what you have to do. Sometimes it seems that they will take notice of outsiders, when they never will from nearest and dearest.
