Mistaken identity

[CraigC]

Hi All,

This is a bit of an odd question. Over the last month or so I keep seeing people who have a uncanny resemblance to my mother and father (both who passed away). These individuals are about the same age as mum and dad when they died. I'm pretty familiar with the stages of grief and thought I was way passed denial (particularly with mum who died in 2008). To be honest it can be quite upsetting and unnerving and there is a long enough moment of pure disbelief. I can only guess that I'm not coming to terms with it quite as well as I thought and denial is still seeping in.

We all deal with grief differently, but this is new to me so curious if anyone else has similar experiences.

If anyone is interested, I also came across the Kuble Cross model of grief. Interesting read. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

Kind Regards
Craig

 

[jeany123]

I think this is quite common and I often saw who I thought was my brother for quite a while after he died, I think I would not have noticed any similarity if I wasn't grieving but just something about some people gave me a shock thinking it was him, He died 3 years ago and it does happen less often now,


Jeany x

 

[Christin]

Hello Craig, I don't think its an odd question. We do all grieve in different ways and who knows whether some of the experiences we have are real or not. I did once see someone who reminded me of my own father, it was a man walking away from me, and I suspect now that it was my own mind helping me come to terms with the loss.

A friend once told me she saw her father everywhere she looked. I don't think its as unusual as you may think.

I hope you and your family are ok. xx

 

[jenniferpa]

Count me in the "me too" column as well. I remember I went through this when my father died (when I was a child) and then when Mummy died. It happens very rarely now but it does still happen.

 

[meme]

I had this with my sons father who died many years ago..we were separated at the time, he was a terrible father but had been a good friend in the past and I loved him for who he used to be. I was on the top deck of a bus and saw a man exactly like him..the ponytail!! same height and build, jacket and walk and I craned my neck looking and looking. Uncanny but I knew it wasn't him...I think love and missing and remembering people does make your senses search ....so quite understandable...

 

[Soobee]

I just think that lots of people share similarities with our loved ones and I tend to notice it more now since my dad died. I've seen people who look like him every week. One of them, in the next carriage on the train, I just could not look away from but couldn't keep looking at. Very strange feeling, not all bad, sometimes it helps you to remember their mannerisms etc

 

[florence43]

I thought it was just me...

I was so relieved to see your post, as this happened to me last Saturday. I was in the supermarket with my 2 youngest, and I saw "my mum". It was her, from the back. It was her when she was still mobile, and still able to dress herself. It was mum from 4 or 5 years ago. Same hair, same stance, same clothes. It took my breath away and I was glued to her every move.

I knew it wasn't her. Obviously. But my senses were heightened and I started to follow her. Just couldn't take my eyes from her. We both happened to be paying and walking to the car park at the same time, and I caught a glimpse of her face, which made me angry. I didn't want to see that, because for as long as I could only see her from behind, I was pretending it was really her. I was pretending we were both shopping and just had separate trollies. It was 4 or 5 minutes of pure, selfish, twisted denial.

I then sat in the car, put my sunglasses on and cried silently all the way home without the children noticing.

This has only happened once before, back in March. That was 5 months after she died, and this time, just 5 days before her birthday. The first birthday since her death.

Both times, I have been in a dream state. Heart racing, eyes glued. And the moment's over too quickly.

It's mum's birthday tomorrow, and it was exactly a year ago, yesterday, that she blinked in response to a question at her nursing home. It had been a breakthrough moment. She had spoken with her eyes for the first time in nearly 18 months, and I knew that she understood. 6 weeks later she died.

I never understood why I was so moved, and so obsessed by these two occasions, "seeing" my mum. I put it down to missing her, but it's so overwhelming, and more than a double-take, in my case. It's freezing time and pretending. Just having her back for a moment...And I want it to last much longer than it has done.

I suppose we're heightened to it, through grief. Like wanting to be pregnant, there are pregnant women and newborns multiplying round every corner. Or giving up smoking, everyone seems to be smoking more than ever before.... Or maybe like the latter, it's a want. Because I know how much I want those women to really be my mum.

I just hadn't put this down to a stage of grieving. I thought it was just happening to me.

 

[CraigC]

Thanks for all your reassuring replies, really appreciated.
Florence, your experience is almost identical to mine, I so wanted it to be mum, wanted her back and to hug her once more. At the time it is pure disbelief, shock, excitement and fear. The mind plays funny tricks when grieving.

Kindest regards and thanks
Craigx

 

[Margarita]

Keep happening to me also, but it’s my son I keep seeing. Well not really seeing him but someone that looks like him.

I told my middle daughter about this she told me

“it means that they are around you, near you, when you see someone that looks like them"

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Maggie. How are you?

 

[Margarita]

Hi

Just got back from Cardiff (Thursday) from being with my grandson, also took granddaughter with me.

I am off work for 2 weeks holiday. Not had this free time for myself in a long time, as I still have a week left, So wondering what to do with myself.

I saw an email from Talking point. So thought I would pop in.

I keep having dreams of my mother before dementia, so when I saw email I pop in

I saw your video on main page, you look great .xx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Lovely to see you back with us, Maggie. It's not surprising you keep seeing your son. His child, your grandson, looks so very like him from the pictures I have seen of yours on FB. He looks a wonderful little chap. I bet you spoil him rotten.

I hope the dreams of your mum are OK for you. I too dream about my mother pre-dementia or early stages, and I find it quite comforting, even when I wake up and realise it wasn't true. There is still a sort of solace to be enjoyed from these dreams, at least in my case.

I too saw a doppel ganger of my mother some months after she had died. It was on a walkway over some sand dunes. Just the same outfit, it seemed, the same height, the same hairstyle. Similar fragility. And like everyone else here seeing a ghost of their lost one, my heart stopped.

My mother never got to walk over those sand dunes, she was too fragile by the time she came on a trip to this beach and I couldn't risk her walking on the uneven surface.

I watched her 'double' like a hawk. It wasn't my mother, I knew intellectually, but emotionally it felt as if it was. I hung around near the group she was with ready to dash forward in case she tripped, but of course she didn't. It should have been my mother, I so wanted it to be my mother and for a different future to roll along for her but never mind. The past is what it is. Sad, and unchangeable, but not without love and laughter too.

 

[Izzy]

Maggie - it's nice to see you here. x

 

[Margarita]

The past is what it is. Sad, and unchangeable, but not without love and laughter too.

Such lovely worlds, so true. so hard to except that its unchangeable .

I have gone through stages of my grief in watching so many science fiction film, TV episodes about changing the past that I feel like I coming to a stage that I just have to except that its all in my imagination nothing of the past is going to change,its all unchangeable

Dreams of my mother are positive, vivid just like she use to be strong, bossy .

It’s just amazing really to me “The brain" & "dreams" how its all store in there comes out in dreams . My son pops into my dreams also .

I was looking in a mirror saw my son sitting behind me in the mirror, so I pick up his son showed him his son. I look it up on the internet it says to dreams of mirrors is to see what the heart really desires.

My grandson is so like his dad.

My daughter tells me that being a grandmother is like getting a 2nd chance.

Then I feel I don't need a 2nd chance, as I was a good mother in my first chance

Having my grandson is like histories repeating itself like as in having my son back seeing him grow up all over again as his so like his dad in looks, way he acts.
But sadly I know my grandson is not my son.

His so loved in Cardiff by all his cousins, family, that I need not have to worry how his been look after .

 

[Margarita]

You also Izzy xx

 

[larivy]

I often think I see mum down the seafront one of our favourite places I get quite excited then It hits me that its not mum but I like to feel she's with me I must admit I get angry because its not her and their sitting where we often sat. I often get up at night because I hear her call me I even think 'now what' I thought I was coping well but I am dreading next month and the annerversary of her death I still come home and get excited to tell her where I've been and what I've done only to shut the door and be on my own boy I miss her larivy

 

[Grannie G]

I cannot believe it will be a year since you lost your mum Larivy. xx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

I cannot believe it will be a year since you lost your mum Larivy. xx

It does seem incredible. It doesn't help that the nights draw in so fast at this time of year.

Sorry things are getting increasingly painful as the anniversary draws near. I hope your family rally round on the day, Larivy. I think I already know they will. Love x

 

[Notwaving]

My Dad died very suddenly of a heart attack Aged 45. A couple of weeks after the funeral I saw him looking in a shop window in town. I remember thinking what's he doing in town he should be at work. I hurried over the road to catch him but by the time I got there he was gone.It still gives me goose bumps when I think about it now.

 

[CollegeGirl]

I often used to "see" a work colleague after she had died. I wasn't close to her and although I was sad and shocked that she'd died, I couldn't really claim to be grieving. I have no idea why this happened to me and it's a long time since I "saw" her.

I hope that if I were ever to "see" a loved one after they had died, that it would give me comfort.