How do I get someone in denial to visit a memory clinic?

[mankyfoot]

My dad (78) is suffering short term memory loss and is an increasing strain on my mother. He no longer drives, can't cook, doesn't remember conversations he's just had or recognise books he was reading ten minutes before putting them down.

If my mum has an accident, I am no longer sure my Dad would be able to phone an ambulance or cope with the panic.

despite this, everytime myself or my mother raise the issue of having him visit a Doctor for a formal analysis, or a memory clinic, he gets angry at us and tells us "I am absolutely fine, there's nothing wrong with my memory" or accuses us of trying to get rid of him and put him in a home. Then my mum gets angry at him - not an ideal situation.

What is a good way to get him to visit a memory clinic without offending him or working him into a state?

Any help or advice most welcome!

 

[greengirl]

My dad (78) is suffering short term memory loss and is an increasing strain on my mother. He no longer drives, can't cook, doesn't remember conversations he's just had or recognise books he was reading ten minutes before putting them down.

If my mum has an accident, I am no longer sure my Dad would be able to phone an ambulance or cope with the panic.

despite this, everytime myself or my mother raise the issue of having him visit a Doctor for a formal analysis, or a memory clinic, he gets angry at us and tells us "I am absolutely fine, there's nothing wrong with my memory" or accuses us of trying to get rid of him and put him in a home. Then my mum gets angry at him - not an ideal situation.

What is a good way to get him to visit a memory clinic without offending him or working him into a state?

Any help or advice most welcome!

Hi, He is probably really afraid and defensive. Can you tell his GP your concern and suggest he is invited for a routine general check up (if he does not see the GP regularly for anything normally) and the Dr can include a memory test. We tend to go along with what our Dr's say and do and sometimes there are treatments to help.
gg

 

[Traceych68]

This is so familiar with me. Dad is 79 and as a family, discluding mum, we have noticed all the symptoms you mention - repeating himself, forgetting the conversation, not following tv programs, more withdrawn, not wanting to socialise etc - for this past 3 years. Gentle hints about 'time to get your memory checked' have not worked. Luckily (!) for us dad has diabetes and we had to go secretly behind his back to his GP and he asked him to come in for 'routine diabetes' check. That started the ball rolling. Having said that, this initial break through was with his GP who has since retired, His new GP is useless and drags his feet over any further tests. I only got a referral to the mental health consultant by begging in tears to a locum doc at his surgery.

You are fortunate to have your mum on board as mine is in denial and makes the job twice as difficult and I have become devious and cunning through necessaty.

I'm sure some 'routine medical' can be organised, bloods taken and casually the doctor can do a mini mental test there and then.

With your dad in defensive/scared mode each test/doc appointment/form filling exercise will be a challenge but treat each one individually and take one step at a time.
All the best, have patience and you have your mum on side, that's a huge help xx

 

[FifiMo]

Can I suggest that you get a diary and that your mum and you both make a note of all incidents that your dad is having. Record what happened, what time it happened at and how long it lasted for. This will provide his GP with an oversight as to what is going on and how things are changing over a period of time. I would then make an appointment to see his GP and take along the evidence with you. If you do not think his GP will be sympathetic then you can enquire at the surgery as to whether they have someone who is interested in/specialises in geriatric medicine. Once you have the GP on board, they can perhaps visit your dad or invite your dad to come in for an annual check up or some such thing.

Hope this helps,

Fiona

 

[Pocklington]

Thank you!

For these posts. My sister and me are worried about our Dad and don't really know where to start. His Mum had Alzheimer's.... The diary advise is good- we have just decided to do this before I got onto here- it is good to know this is a good plan, and the health check thing might be something we can manouver. I think we have to get Mum in the know first though.

Fingers crossed....

 

[soppysassy]

Denial can be a problem

My husband has a chronic illness and we now have his mother with cognitive problems (cannot say dementia as does not fill all the criteria)! We contacted her GP and managed to get a psychiatrist to do several home visits and tests at the same time. MIL was then referred to psychologist who did lots of tests but really found that MIL tested very well! What on earth to do next? She was on anti depressants but they have ran out and no further prescription was filled so now on nothing. I think you should get the help of your dad's GP and take it from there. Your mum must be very worried and you too so good luck to you and hope you get results.

 

[Barlemo]

We have a similar problem with my Mum. It's been going on for a few years now, and is still not resolved. My stepfather is very against any outside help and has a deep mistrust and lack of respect for doctors generally (so does mum actually). Stepfather feels he can cope and rejects any suggestion of getting a diagnosis for mum which, in our view, would at least open the door for some sort of care package. They also completely reject help offered from the family. This has been very difficult for my siblings and I to deal with - we would love to see the house clean and well kept as it used to be, and more importantly to see our mum, who was a stunner in her day and always looked fabulous, to be at least clean and presentable - she may even be happier as a result. But it's their life and we are beginning to accept there is little we can do about it, until they allow us to help.

My widowed mother in law, who lives alone, is also experiencing noticeable memory problems, very similar symptoms to those you describe and which are now so familiar to me. This a great worry to my husband (who is an only child) and I. Her GP recently suggested a memory test and she took great umbrage at this and took herself off to bed for two days in a sulk. I spoke to her doc who told me there is nothing that can be done unless she agrees to it.

Thank goodness my husband has been more realistic about his own problems (diagnosed Alzheimer's) and has been willing to seek help and treatment - otherwise I would be going spare. However, although his symptoms were worrying him, it was a job to get him to visit the doctor in the first place. In the end I went myself to see the doc and explain the problems. He then contacted my husband to arrange an appointment for a check-up and that's how we got the ball rolling. That first step is the most difficult to achieve. Good luck!

 

[grove]

Positive Vibes For A Good Outcome !

Hello & sorry am late replying & pleased you have been given some good advice My Father has Mild / Moderate Dementia ( live near Mum & Dad ) & even tho Dad went to the G P on his own ( looking back not the best idea ! ) & he did not get any help ( think Dad was just at Appt ) However Mum made a Appt with my G P who did the MMSE & then he had a Appt at the M Clinic , am guessing Dad might have been in "Denial " the first time he went to see the G P ). Sending lots of Positive Vibes to you , your Dad & especially your Mum at this hard time for you all & hope the G P 's Appt ( if & when you make one ) goes as well as it can do for your Dad ( & Mum )

Take care & you & your Dad are in my thoughts

Love Grove x x

 

[KathrynK]

thanks

That's a really good idea about the diary - I will pass it on to my Mum and hopefully the doctor will take some notice