I seem to have adopted my father

[Crikey]

Butter: Please, please don't even think of comparing yourself to my mother. It's hard trying to be patient all the time when living with someone with dementia (oh, how I know this!) but we try. She never did--she didn't want to. She thought it was perfectly acceptable to yell and scream at him all day, every day, and that he deserved it. She thinks it's ok to call him stupid, and trick him and tease him and humiliate him. She thinks it's ok to go into a fury because he was no longer capable of doing the organising, and wouldn't dream of doing it herself (she's still moaning about how he wouldn't call the builder for some work, but won't pick up the phone herself.) I think it's safe to say she has some (undiagnosed) mental health issues, but I don't think she has any dementia. Likewise, I don't think she feels guilty. She feels too wronged by the whole world.

(p.s. see, I am quite horribly judgemental!)

 

[Crikey]

linda: thank you! I'm very lucky--I have brilliant support from my husband and my sister, and a terrific group of careworkers, and that my Dad is such a nice chap and still mostly very easy going (when he's not fretting). It's not always easy (honestly, some days he drives us up the wall) but it's worth it. It's nice to discover, after thinking that I was a completely rubbish daughter, that I'm not.

 

[Sooe]

Wow what a truly wonderful Daugher and family your Dad has, you are doing absolutely the right thing, even short term. Your Mum may well come round and soften, she is scared too and has always obviously had your Dad looking after her, no excuses for her at all, but it must be really frightening for all of you. Good Luck and hope all goes well.
Hope Dad manages as well as he seems to be doing and long may it continue.

 

[Crikey]

Sooe: thank you for your very kind comments. However angry and despairing I am about her behaviour, I do hope my mum finds peace with the changes--she was completely miserable with him there. I know it must be awful when you see your spouse change so much (and reading this forum makes me understand that more and more.) Even though she hates me for all of this, I just hope that one day she'll accept that my dad's wishes, happiness, and well-being matter too.

 

[Ellie315]

I take my hat off to you. What a wonderful thing you are doing for both your father and your mother.

Would it be possible for you to ask for some compassionate leave next week so you can get some care plans organized? I was allowed this when my mother`s condition reached crisis point and I`d certainly consider relocation a crisis for someone with dementia , who is still active.

I would then contact emergency Social Services. I`m not sure how the system in Scotland works but I think it is superior to the system in England.

Please don`t be too hard on your mother. She is probably very frightened and her anger is how it shows.

One of the most useful tips I had from TP was to have a dog tag engraved with name, contact phone number and the fact your dad has dementia, to put on a key ring. Your dad is unlikely to go out without his keys.

Please let us know how it goes and good luck. You are a gem.

^^This. this this this. x

 

[nicoise]

Dear Crikey,

I'm so glad things are working out well for you and your Dad after the way your story started, and it is good to hear an update.

I'm sorry equally that your Mum is still in the same frame of mind; perhaps one day she will see things differently. We can always hope!

Best wishes x

 

[Dazmum]

I'm so pleased you updated Crikey, I was only wondering the other day how you are doing having adopted your dad. I'm really glad it's going well for you, how lucky your dad is to have you. My mum is a happy and amenable soul too, and I now know not to take that for granted. I hope that your mum will one day understand how wonderful her family is xxx

 

[Crikey]

nicoise: thank you! Aye, we have our ups and downs, but I am so very thankful that we've got to this point, and for all the support along the way. Here's hoping we can keep the positives as long as possible, storing them up against whatever the future may bring.

dazmum: thank you for thinking about us! I'm off work for a bit, so it's nice to slow down and spend some proper time with my Dad at his speed, rather than the rushed and frantic bits at the start and end of a day (which seems to be when we all get a bit frustrated with each other.) Hope things are well with you and your mum.

 

[petromany]

Crikey

Hello Crikey, I am talking to you from the side of the carer, I care for my husband and have done for the last 4 years after his deterioration. Please do not think ill of your Mother, I know that sometimes I shout at hubby when I have reached the end of my tether. I am usually a bright placid type of person, but this desease over the years has changed me also. Sometimes you cannot control your reaction to thing, it isnt easy when you are so dog-tired that you cant think straight yourself. I applaud you for taking your Dad in , it is a big step. I wish you well. Take care ......

 

[Crikey]

petromany: hello, thank you for your kind wishes and your perspective. Please understand that I am absolutely not criticising people who get tired and cross and lose their patience with the exhaustion, stress and heartache of caring. None of us are unbreakable saints. But there's a big gap between that and bullying and abuse.

 

[Theboxer]

Hi there

Good for you!! I do hope your Dad settles and that you and your husband can work things out for all of you.

On a practical note have you thought about a Cram alert - designed for runners which is why we had one but also signed Mum on and in an emergency all the contact details, medical info is to hand. They come as a wrist strap or a key fob. At least we knew if Mum was out with anyone else or on her own all relevant info was instantly available. worth looking into.

Regards