Hi,Looked at some care homes locally for my father with dementia,it`s all very stressful for me and my mother and it is all completely new to us.So far the homes we have visited my mother feels that its not the place for dad.We were just wondering how far are people willing to travel to find the right home?
Care home
- Thread starter nick47
- Start date
Hi Nick
I just stayed in a catchment of about 5 miles as we visit dad regularly and didn’t want him to be too far away.Visited about 15 places in total which is probably more than average but there were so many I didn't think suitable. It's worth hunting around until you find somewhere you feel happy with. It’s very stressful initially but when you find somewhere you like it's a bit of relief. Just a tip, always a good idea if you can get the manager to show you around as it’s very important she/he is someone you feel you can get on with.
I just stayed in a catchment of about 5 miles as we visit dad regularly and didn’t want him to be too far away.Visited about 15 places in total which is probably more than average but there were so many I didn't think suitable. It's worth hunting around until you find somewhere you feel happy with. It’s very stressful initially but when you find somewhere you like it's a bit of relief. Just a tip, always a good idea if you can get the manager to show you around as it’s very important she/he is someone you feel you can get on with.
Nick, hi
What is important in selecting a care home is that you are happy that the staff are good and caring and you can visit easily, if visiting will become a hassle then your guilt can so easily set in because you cannot get there to check that all is well, it's so hard.
I hope that there is a home that you and your mother are happy with, remember it's not for you but for how your father is now, very, very difficult to get your head around.
Good luck with finding the right place that you are all happy with,
with best wishes from Jo
What is important in selecting a care home is that you are happy that the staff are good and caring and you can visit easily, if visiting will become a hassle then your guilt can so easily set in because you cannot get there to check that all is well, it's so hard.
I hope that there is a home that you and your mother are happy with, remember it's not for you but for how your father is now, very, very difficult to get your head around.
Good luck with finding the right place that you are all happy with,
with best wishes from Jo
Hello Nick47, sorry you are doing the care home rounds right now. It's a pretty dispiriting task.
My mum was in care about 8 miles away originally but then after a while they said they couldn't meet her nursing needs and she had to move out. She ended up in a nursing home 12 miles from me. It wasn't ideal and I would certainly have wanted her closer but couldn't find anywhere which a) had vacancies, or b) would accept someone with dementia, so we had to settle for third best.
Try and find somewhere as close as possible, for your own peace of mind and ease of visiting, but also try to find somewhere that might be able to cope when your father deteriorates, as it will avoid moving him again, with any luck.
My mum was in care about 8 miles away originally but then after a while they said they couldn't meet her nursing needs and she had to move out. She ended up in a nursing home 12 miles from me. It wasn't ideal and I would certainly have wanted her closer but couldn't find anywhere which a) had vacancies, or b) would accept someone with dementia, so we had to settle for third best.
Try and find somewhere as close as possible, for your own peace of mind and ease of visiting, but also try to find somewhere that might be able to cope when your father deteriorates, as it will avoid moving him again, with any luck.
Hi Nick,
My Mum is in a home 30 miles away. This home is one of the better ones in this area. I really wanted Mum to go there because it was right for her needs and no where closer was suitable. I wish it was nearer so I could visit more but I made this choice because Mum has to be there 24/7 and I knew even if she was closer what was really important was how it would be for her when there were no visitors there.
If you live in an urban or suburban area you might find the right home very near you but in rural areas the choice of homes can be very limited.
Wishing you all the best.
My Mum is in a home 30 miles away. This home is one of the better ones in this area. I really wanted Mum to go there because it was right for her needs and no where closer was suitable. I wish it was nearer so I could visit more but I made this choice because Mum has to be there 24/7 and I knew even if she was closer what was really important was how it would be for her when there were no visitors there.
If you live in an urban or suburban area you might find the right home very near you but in rural areas the choice of homes can be very limited.
Wishing you all the best.
Hi there, jut read your post and after another bad episodes with dad, I have said to mum its time dad had proper care in a EmI unit. I am going round s few local ones that offer respite care first as we may need it in a hurry this week, but willnhave to visit a few to 'see' what they are like. Call in without making appointments, just start with the locals and move out a few miles if not suitable. check online to see if they offer the right services ie, nursing, dementia etc. I hope you and your mum find somewhere for your dad, I'm in the same boat so to speak so understand completely how difficult it is. Best wishes
Hi Nick
My mum is in a mixed needs nursing home and has severe dementia. They cope with here amazingly and although she hated it at first they have won her round with kindness and love. She is now very smiley with the staff. She has been there about 6 months. I visited about 15 nursing homes who were EMI or registered for dementia patients within about a 15 mile radius. Not everyone in mums home has dementia but many do. They have the security needed for EMI nursing. I did look at EMI homes and some I liked better than others. The one I chose is 10 miles away and I visit 3 times a week. I am an only child and am 39. I have a 5 yo son who visits with me every week or two. No one else visits at present. Mum's sister is having treatment for cancer so has been unable to come with me.
When I visited the home it had a good feel. The manager spoke to all the patients as she took me round, it took an age but was lovely to see. The staff are very smiley with the residents and make a real effort. They are very kind and seem to have endless patience. Many are from overseas. There approach to dementia care cannot be faulted in my opinion.
My advise would be to make a list of those who may be able to cope with your dad's need and then ring them to see if it sounds like they can. For example, some are registered for dementia but when I said mum had mobility issues and was anxious, aggitated and aggressive they wouldn't consider her. We needed nursing dementia as residential dementia units wouldn't have the expertise or staffing levels to cope.
Mum gets continuous care funding and needed 1-1 care initially - the manager was happy to fight her corner with the PCT. It feels like we are on the same side and she is always available to talk.
You get a feel for places, go with your insticts.
Good luck.
Jane x
My mum is in a mixed needs nursing home and has severe dementia. They cope with here amazingly and although she hated it at first they have won her round with kindness and love. She is now very smiley with the staff. She has been there about 6 months. I visited about 15 nursing homes who were EMI or registered for dementia patients within about a 15 mile radius. Not everyone in mums home has dementia but many do. They have the security needed for EMI nursing. I did look at EMI homes and some I liked better than others. The one I chose is 10 miles away and I visit 3 times a week. I am an only child and am 39. I have a 5 yo son who visits with me every week or two. No one else visits at present. Mum's sister is having treatment for cancer so has been unable to come with me.
When I visited the home it had a good feel. The manager spoke to all the patients as she took me round, it took an age but was lovely to see. The staff are very smiley with the residents and make a real effort. They are very kind and seem to have endless patience. Many are from overseas. There approach to dementia care cannot be faulted in my opinion.
My advise would be to make a list of those who may be able to cope with your dad's need and then ring them to see if it sounds like they can. For example, some are registered for dementia but when I said mum had mobility issues and was anxious, aggitated and aggressive they wouldn't consider her. We needed nursing dementia as residential dementia units wouldn't have the expertise or staffing levels to cope.
Mum gets continuous care funding and needed 1-1 care initially - the manager was happy to fight her corner with the PCT. It feels like we are on the same side and she is always available to talk.
You get a feel for places, go with your insticts.
Good luck.
Jane x
Funny how close people think is nearby. Mum landed in a unit 6 miles away, which was fine. But having a job that necessitated driving 45 miles each way, a unit 20 miles away would not have bothered me. We are in North Derbyshire, and that's where mum went, but Cheshire is only over the border and has some excellent care homes. I'd have been happy with those, up to 30 miles away. Much depends on what the other demands are on your time. I don't have any, so 30 miles drive to the Cheshire countryside three times a week would have been fine.
We all have to choose to suit our own circumstances.
Love
Margaret
We all have to choose to suit our own circumstances.
Love
Margaret
Looking for a Care/Nursing home is a nightmare - I saw 15 over quite a wide area. Like many on TP, I found my search limited by the fact that it had to be a nursing home and one that catered for dementia too. It was surprising how few around my mainly rural area did that. However, whatever influences your choice - the general ambience of a place, the friendliness of the staff and the manager etc. etc. you will only really know about the most important part once your relative has moved in there. That part is the actual care provided. Nothing that is said before is relevant, though various information is, of course important - but when it comes to care you can't know until you experience it.
Good luck with your search - it is a heatbreaking task.
Good luck with your search - it is a heatbreaking task.
I'd just like to add. Finding the right home is more important than the convenience of distance for yourself. That's just my opinion of course. Your loved one will be in the home on their own for far more time that you are there, so the home is far more important. If you can only visit once a week, but know that the home is a good one, it is far better than visiting every day to a home you are unhappy with.
Think on what I have said.
And at the end of the day,trust your own judgement and never blame yourself. It's a hard decision to make, one of the hardest you will ever make.
Love
Margaret
Think on what I have said.
And at the end of the day,trust your own judgement and never blame yourself. It's a hard decision to make, one of the hardest you will ever make.
Love
Margaret
Does your mum drive? My guess is that she's going to want to visit more than others in the family so that needs to be factored in too if someone's going to have to take her.
I looked at all the homes that took dementia cases near me back in 2003/4 and couldn't find one that I felt would suit Mum. Then I started looking at ones near her (130mls away) as we still had family there at the time. As soon as I walked into the one I eventually chose, it just felt right, and that was down to the manager's attitude. It was a gut reaction -I felt I could trust her with my mum's care.
Seven long years on, travelling up and down the A1, every month, I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice. I don't see Mum anything like as often as I would like, but as Margaret says, would seeing me for half an hour once or twice a week make that much difference in the overall scheme of things? My mum hasn't recognised me for about five or six years or spoken to me for the last two; I'm just a lady who sits with her every so often and holds her hand. The staff and other residents are her family now.
I agree with you about 'gut reaction' - the trouble with the manager's attitude is that managers change - and that attitude can go with them! Their successor might be totally different. This, from my own experience.
Hi Nick,
Dad wanted a care homefor Mumthat was very local, he refused to look at some i felt would be better 5+ miles away. With hindsight I wish I had persuaded him to look.His choice was far from ideal I quickly realised.
Also when visiting do call without notice and try maybe a Sunday morning - this gives you a good idea of staff rotas. In mum's home i discovered weekend cover by staff was minimal, wiah I had known that before making our decision.
Good luck Katherine
Dad wanted a care homefor Mumthat was very local, he refused to look at some i felt would be better 5+ miles away. With hindsight I wish I had persuaded him to look.His choice was far from ideal I quickly realised.
Also when visiting do call without notice and try maybe a Sunday morning - this gives you a good idea of staff rotas. In mum's home i discovered weekend cover by staff was minimal, wiah I had known that before making our decision.
Good luck Katherine
I have to say that I did both - called cold because I was passing but mainly phoned up first as I felt that was more polite. I didn't notice any difference, in fact I was able to meet the managers etc when I phoned but not when I called in as they were at meetings. I don't think having half an hour's notice makes any difference - the staff have no time to make any sort of an effort just because a possible relative is viewing the home and the hands-on staff have no way of knowing anyway.You just have to have a feeling that you like the place and would be happy to move in yourself and the more homes you visit the more likely you will this.
