father died tonight....

[fath]

how do I tell mother.... she has Dimentia but, as yet, undiagnosed.... cant remember simple words... goldfish memory... what do I say... He's gone and I will not wake her as he had his daughter with him, but tomorrow I have o break the news..... anyone got help????
Fath

 

[jenniferpa]

I am so very sorry Fath. There are a lot of different views about this, but I do think it is appropriate to tell a person with dementia that their spouse has died, but only once. Your mother will almost certainly be distressed but then she will forget and consider that a blessing. If she asks about him in the future then I would, frankly, lie - he's much the same as before, he'll visit when he is able: whatever you need to do to cause her the least distress.

I see you are a new member so welcome to Talking Point. Does your mother still live at home?

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hello Fath,
I'm very sorry to hear your father died last night. My condolences to you and your family.

I agree with Jennifer that you should tell your mother once about his death, as she probably won't retain the information and to keep telling her over and over would only cause fresh distress. I know right at the beginning I told my mother several times that my grandmother was dead and each time was like the first time. I quickly stopped.

Let us know how things are going and please tell us more about your situation.

 

[Taz]

So sorry Fath, condolences to you and yours on the loss of your Dad.
We haven't crossed this particular bridge (and I hope we don't have to) but from what I have read on TP, what has already been suggested is the least hurtful way......
Thinking of you.....
X

 

[SWMBO1950]

Very sorry to hear of your loss xx

 

[littlegem]

hello fath, so sorry about your Dad.
Not an easy task to tell Mum.

I wish you well.

God bless
xx

 

[turbo]

Hello fath, I am sorry to read your sad news about your dad. My sincere condolences.


turbo

 

[Helen33]

Dear Fath,

I am so sorry for your loss and also sorry that you have to somehow deal with your mother.

she has Dimentia but, as yet, undiagnosed.... cant remember simple words... goldfish memory

As your mother is undiagnosed it could be that she has another form of dementia other than Alzheimers disease. It is because you said she can't remember simple words that makes me question whether she has another form of dementia called Fronto temperal lobe dementia. This means that she would just find it hard to understand the words you are using to explain that her husband has died. Once she understood, she would not forget like in Alzheimers disease and then have the additional trauma on being re-told.

This is a lot to expect of you to understand how to go about it. I would suggest you finding ways of getting the message over other than using words. Perhaps pictures or else considering letting her see her husband and allowing her to grieve. As she is undiagnosed, perhaps you would benefit from some local advice. Would you consider contacting your local Branch of the Alzheimers Society and requesting to see someone pretty urgently. I would also discuss this with your GP and ask whether you might get the services of a CPN as an emergency to help find the best way to tackle this with your mum.

I do wish you well and I hope you will find the strength to tread these steps in front of you.

Talking Point is here for you in your loss and as you deal with these issues with your mum so please don't hesitate to use us as and when you need

Love

 

[lupo]

So sorry to hear of the dad loss of your Father xx

 

[chucky]

Sorry to hear your sad news, condolences to you and your family x

 

[jegire]

condolences on your loss, it is a sad time

 

[flowerpot]

Sorry to hear of your sad news. Thinking of you. As for your mother I would go with the above and tell her once and leave it at that. We kept telling my FiL that his mother was dead and everytime he got so upset that we stopped and just said that she was ok (she's been dead for years) Take care

 

[fath]

Thank you to all for your sympathies...

People..... thank you soooo much for the feeling you have shown, and those of you who have commented on how to move forward...

for those who are interested...
I told her on the latter part the morning of the 3rd to little emotion...!!
Next day was depressed but rallied after speaking to fathers brother... still not sure if she retains the info...
Each day since then she has asked after his being sleeping or if we are to go visit or if he is 'died'... not sure that my honesty is appreciated. even she has a conversation and says she understands then later that day she has asked if we will visit or if there is anything we can do...!
The Cremation is now booked and I wonder if a visit to the place of rest might 'cement' the idea.... we still have the funeral to go through and then after we must see...
We now have a date for her to meet the 'cyclist' in the first days next month...
hope to find out more then but still so much to go through before with the funeral and all...

regards Fath

 

[MISSJM]

So so sorry for your loss. I can't/don't feel qualified enough to advise you but want to express my deepest sympathies.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Fath,

It sounds like you are finding your own ways forward in helping your mum. Wishing you continued strength and hoping that the funeral goes as well as these things can.
You have a lot to deal with as well as managing feelings surrounding your own loss.

Love

 

[sonia owen]

Hi,
It's a hard time for you dealing with the loss of your Dad, and your mum being ill. Look after yourself, as you will have a hard few days in front of you.

Love Sonia xxxxx

 

[2jays]

for those who are interested...

If you post... We all want to help if we can. please don't stop posting if you feel the need to

Each day since then she has asked after his being sleeping or if we are to go visit or if he is 'died'... not sure that my honesty is appreciated. even she has a conversation and says she understands then later that day she has asked if we will visit or if there is anything we can do...!

May be.... Just may be, this might be her way of asking about a visit to the funeral home, just her words come out wrong?

Do you think you (or someone else close to her) could take her to visit him at the funeral home, or would that be too traumatic for you if she still didn't register that he has gone?

Thinking of you

 

[melz]

Have help and friends around you. You need support after the death of your father. I'm so sorry.

 

[fath]

Again many thanks to all for your sympathies

Dear Fath,

As your mother is undiagnosed it could be that she has another form of dementia other than Alzheimers disease. It is because you said she can't remember simple words that makes me question whether she has another form of dementia called Fronto temperal lobe dementia. This means that she would just find it hard to understand the words you are using to explain that her husband has died. Once she understood, she would not forget like in Alzheimers disease and then have the additional trauma on being re-told.
......finding ways of getting the message over other than using words. Perhaps pictures or else considering letting her see her husband and allowing her to grieve. As she is undiagnosed, perhaps you would benefit from some local advice. Would you consider contacting your local Branch of the Alzheimers Society and requesting to see someone pretty urgently. I would also discuss this with your GP and ask whether you might get the services of a CPN as an emergency to help find the best way to tackle this with your mum.

If you post... We all want to help if we can. please don't stop posting if you feel the need to

May be.... Just may be, this might be her way of asking about a visit to the funeral home, just her words come out wrong?

Do you think you (or someone else close to her) could take her to visit him at the funeral home, or would that be too traumatic for you if she still didn't register that he has gone?

Thinking of you

Thankyou for your observations and they are possibly bourne out by the fact that she still asks each day 'if we can do anything to help' him, I am sticking to my guns for now and telling her the truth and have even a couple times, when she seems closest to understanding, suggested that we go visit him, so's she can see, as she has also asked 'how do they know its him' or 'they say he's died', but she seems reticent and not sure she wants to do this... The Cremation is in a week so we still have time.
The assesment by the older persons social services has been in hand for some time now as we got involved with them when Father sufffered a UTI, and all it's related mental confusion, at the beginning of Dec '11.

 

[2jays]

Again many thanks to all for your sympathies
Thank you for your observations and they are possibly bourne out by the fact that she still asks each day 'if we can do anything to help' him, I am sticking to my guns for now and telling her the truth and have even a couple times, when she seems closest to understanding, suggested that we go visit him, so's she can see, as she has also asked 'how do they know its him' or 'they say he's died', but she seems reticent and not sure she wants to do this... The Cremation is in a week so we still have time.
The assesment by the older persons social services has been in hand for some time now as we got involved with them when Father sufffered a UTI, and all it's related mental confusion, at the beginning of Dec '11.

Thank you for the update. I can only imagine how hard it is for you. Hope someone is supporting you during this time

You seem very strong - stay strong, and again please coninue to post when you need to
Hugs xx