Parents are coping for now but I'm thinking ahead

[RoseGarden]

Hello,
this is my first post so I'll start with an introduction.

Mum and Dad are both in their 80's, and have always wanted to be as independent as possible. All of their children live about 2 hours travel away, and keep in touch via email, phone calls and visits. During visits we carry out any chores that they're unable to do.
Mum started showing memory loss about 6 years ago, rapidly deteriorated and then has kept pretty much the same. Her diagnosis is mild - moderate Cognitive Impairment. She's much the same as she's always been, just with a very bad memory and confusion caused by the forgetfulness. She knows her limitations and is able to reason....so long as she remembers what is being discussed!

Dad has Bipolar 1. We noticed that some of the symptoms we associate with mania seemed to be remaining even when he was calm. Mostly confusion and paranoia.
We explained our concerns to his GP and he's just been assessed as having Cognitive Impairment. I am pretty certain there are signs of Dementia.
His reasoning ability is compromised and he greatly over estimates what he can still do.

We all (family and GP) think that they are coping at the moment. But problems are beginning to surface that are harder to deal with from a distance. Getting outside help is not a good option as Dad is so unpredictable.
If they moved near to me we could support them longer than if they stay where they are.
I appreciate that moving to a new place could disorient them, but I think the help they'd gain would off set this.

Mum would move tomorrow. Dad initially rejected the idea. He's now said it's a possibility "in the future" when they can't cope. Tomorrow he might say something else!

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

 

[hollycat]

I have just posted this reply to another member:

To come in from another angle, i.e. OUR move.

We sold up and moved in with mum to become her carers. Whilst our house was perhaps the better option for freedom, space and fully modernised, we chose to move into mums to keep the confusion to a minimum.

Also, as we live in a village, it meant she could stay around her neighbours, friends, post office etc which to a certain degree gives her a sense of normailty (I think !)

I realise that you are talking about moving them nearer to you, but hope the example above provides an insight for you

 

[RoseGarden]

Thanks Hollycat.
I think Mum will cope better than Dad when the time comes. Dad will be disorientated.

But for us to move is not an option for several reasons.

 

[Christinec]

Hi Rosegarden


Welcome to TP which I hope you will find as useful and supportive as I have.

You ask if anyone has been in a similar situation and there are people who post who have experience with two parents who are ill so if you have a good look through you may find some posts that help you to decide what to do.


I am one of these people who likes to find out as much as I can about any situation so that I know what I am facing. Off course you can never really find out what will happen until it does but if you are like me do try to read other peoples experiences on here about looking after parents. There is an enormous amount of knowledge on TP which can help you.

Please think long and hard. Having dealt with Alzheimers and also mental health issues I would say that while moving your parents closer to you might solve the problems associated with being a long distance carer moving them nearer you will raise another set of problems and these may or may not be even more difficult for you to deal with.
For example what are services like in your area? Are you prepared to be a 24/7 carer as the illness progresses? Sadly this disease is progressive and so what may be a good idea now might not be by the time a move is made. You might want to move in years to come and find you cannot leave your parents if they have moved to be near you.

In your situation I would try to find out as much as I can and try to speak to any professionals and alzheimers groups in both areas too before taking action.

You obviously want to try to do your best for your parents and I hope that you do find a way to support them.

Hopefully someone else will reply to you with a more informative and positive response.

 

[Katrine]

Hi Rosegarden, in my experience the way to see if someone can adjust to being out of their normal environment is to see how they cope with a holiday or weekend stay. If you find them wandering at 3am trying to cook lunch, and asking when the kids are due back from school, you know that they cannot cope with change. Dementia comes in so many forms that no-one can give you a definitive answer, only relate their own experiences.

My mum has vascular dementia. She is currently in hospital and has no difficulty knowing where she is and understanding that she is receiving treatment. She does keep asking if it is Christmas, but apart from that seems to be coping very well with being away from home. Her carer visits her every day and I think that is helping her stay grounded in reality. She can remember when she wakes up that she is in hospital, that she has been there for a few days, that I have been to visit her, and that her carer will be coming later. Although she won't remember what she had for lunch, or that a physio has visited her, she seems to be able to retain things that are important to her, perhaps by going over them in her mind until they 'stick'.

On the other hand, MIL who also has vascular dementia gets completely confused in hospital and very distressed. Ditto when she comes on holiday she cannot find her way around even in a place she has been to many times before and wanders at night. Her short term memory problems mean that she cannot retain information about what has happened recently and so she tries to make sense of where she is by relating it to her past life, so she imagines she is in a former house she has lived in or, more distressingly, she thinks she has been locked up in some sort of asylum.

My recommendation, therefore, is to see how your parents cope with a visit or short holiday with you. This would also give you a chance to assess behaviour 24/7, which can be very revealing.