my dad has become violent towards my mumnow she has been caring for him forten yrs nowwith dementia she has had respite and other help from social services in the past but because dad hasnow become violent they are refusing to help her .her doctor said they canput him in a mental institution - is this all they can do ? she cannot cope but we all do not want this to happen pls any suggestions thank u xx xx kerry
need help pls urgent
- Thread starter keggs1975
- Start date
perhaps she could ring the alzheimers society help line tomorrow
Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0845 300 0336 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.
The Helpline is usually open from 8.30am to 6.30pm Monday to Friday. However the service may be closed occasionally during these times for operational reasons or because of staff shortage. Callers speak to trained Helpline Advisers.
I spoke to them and they were very helpful
Sarah
Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0845 300 0336 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.
The Helpline is usually open from 8.30am to 6.30pm Monday to Friday. However the service may be closed occasionally during these times for operational reasons or because of staff shortage. Callers speak to trained Helpline Advisers.
I spoke to them and they were very helpful
Sarah
thank u for replying i have noted the number and will call, but my partner and i are very scared, gotta take mum to doctors tmrw to spk about it all - how sad it all is thank u again xx
keggs. Get in touch with the memory clinic and your dad's CPN then get in touch with the intensive outreach team if they are attached to the memory clinic. Failing this get in touch with the Adult Services....
I am going through something a little similar where my dad has been in a CH for for weeks and is attacking anyone that moves
take care
Sue
xx
I am going through something a little similar where my dad has been in a CH for for weeks and is attacking anyone that moves
take care
Sue
xx
Hi Keggs, sorry to hear about the problems with dad. I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but wanted you to know you'll get lots of support from here.
When Dad gets violent, is it possible for Mum to walk away and let him come through his anger? I was advised to do this, but the violence was only short lived.
I'm not sure, but I believe SS have a duty of care for both Mum and dad, so I don't think they can walk away.
Sorry I can't offer much help.
Jan
When Dad gets violent, is it possible for Mum to walk away and let him come through his anger? I was advised to do this, but the violence was only short lived.
I'm not sure, but I believe SS have a duty of care for both Mum and dad, so I don't think they can walk away.
Sorry I can't offer much help.
Jan
When my husband's behaviour deteriorated to a point where I couldn't manage it anymore I phoned his cpn (she was on leave so I spoke to the duy SW) and said I couldn't cope anymore and they HAD to do something. I told him I didn't want emergency respite care because that wouldn't help Gary, I wanted them to place him where they could look at his medication. I told him exactly what was happening, that I was at risk, that he was at risk and that day they found a place for him in an assessment unit, sadly, it didn't help us in the long termbut you must make them know how things have deteriorated. Your mum musn't be at risk xxxxe
Sorry to post again so quickly but once you let SS or Adult care services (same thing I think) know they do act quite quickly. It could be that your dad needs to go into a mental health unit for a assessment as his medication is not right. Please do not let them chemical cosh him though question every medication that he is getting.
sue
x
ps to post and be helpful having been in this situation (sort of) is calming if you know what I mean
sue
x
ps to post and be helpful having been in this situation (sort of) is calming if you know what I mean
i think its took her a long time to reach out as she has managed this long and coped very well -proudwoman and all that she has been very brave but - he has been in bed for over a week now and will not let SS near him three ladies came in the week and he reacted very badly he is in bed and mum downstairs - hopefully the doc will do something but looking at the reports on google about alzheimers care in the NHS, cutbacks resources and all that our families are being ignored forgotten and neglected makes me so angry............... thank u for ur comments and reading some of the blogs u know ur not on your own xxxxx
When you ask for help it helps to know the right words to use. At risk is one, another is in danger of, and I can't manage/ do this any more hope this helps xxx
Typical support there then.... until you shout very loudly the SS are deaf because until you shout they dont have to deal with the situation...
Our SS has an emergency telephone line out of hours. Yours should have one too. I can't remember how I found it - it was over Christmas and it was so difficult to get help. If it is really urgent, perhaps you should call the out-of-hours doctor - we did that with my Mum and he gave her something to calm her down (she was not aggressive, just very agitated).
I meant to add, even if he does go into a mental health unit, they will assess him and sort out his medication. He may then be in a better state and they will decide from there what is best for him. It will be a gradual process, I imagine. Your Mum can't go on looking after him if she is in fear for her life.
Hiya Keggs,
I am sorry to read about the problems your mum is facing right now and as everyone says, no one is required to live their life in fear of being assaulted, whether the other person has dementia or not.
There are a number of things I think you should keep in mind:
1. That your mum needs a place of safety in the house where there is a lock on the door and ideally a phone in there so she can call out for help. The last thing either your mum or your dad needs is for her to be injured. This would be my first priority in terms of immediate protection for your mum.
2. You should encourage the carers to report the aggression too. All these reports help to elevate your dad so that he gets the attention he needs. It also means that its not just your mum's word about what is happening but introduces independent witnesses too.
3. If your dad is aggressive then your mum MUST call the police. She can explain he has dementia but the police are the ones with the power to do something about this immediately. They are also required to send reports of any incidents to his GP and to Social Workers. They are used to dealing with situations like this so they can be your friends in getting something done.
4. Your mum sounds like she has done a sterling job over the years but she needs reassurance that it is the dementia that is causing the problems and that sometimes the disease needs more than an untrained person can deliver on their own at home. Tell her that even if your dad is sectioned under the mental health act, that it doesn't mean that he won't be able to come home again. It means that he will get whatever treatment they can give him so that his symptoms are manageable. They will sort out medication and will observe him for a while to make sure he is functioning ok on a day to day basis before releasing him. Even if their recommendation is that he should be in a care home, your mum needs to know that this is a medical decision and nothing to do with her failing as a wife or carer. The thing is that the sooner he gets the attention he needs the sooner things can get resolved. To continue struggling just means your mum is putting her own health at risk and then where would you all be?
5. Ultimately, there is nothing at all anywhere that requires your mum to be your dad's carer. She cannot be forced to do it. If she has reached the limits of her endurance then that is it. Your mum herself is AT RISK, a VULNERABLE ADULT, being placed in a DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT that could be INJUROUS TO HER HEALTH AND WELL BEING. Your dad is AT RISK due to refusing assistance. He too is a VULNERABLE ADULT. He is in danger of causing bodily harm to others, including carers and anyone who tries to assist him. He is out of control.
Above is just my thoughts on the matter. You and your mum are doing everything you can to help your dad and you should be commended for that. I hope you get the resolution you are seeking and that your dad gets the help that he needs soon.
Fiona
I am sorry to read about the problems your mum is facing right now and as everyone says, no one is required to live their life in fear of being assaulted, whether the other person has dementia or not.
There are a number of things I think you should keep in mind:
1. That your mum needs a place of safety in the house where there is a lock on the door and ideally a phone in there so she can call out for help. The last thing either your mum or your dad needs is for her to be injured. This would be my first priority in terms of immediate protection for your mum.
2. You should encourage the carers to report the aggression too. All these reports help to elevate your dad so that he gets the attention he needs. It also means that its not just your mum's word about what is happening but introduces independent witnesses too.
3. If your dad is aggressive then your mum MUST call the police. She can explain he has dementia but the police are the ones with the power to do something about this immediately. They are also required to send reports of any incidents to his GP and to Social Workers. They are used to dealing with situations like this so they can be your friends in getting something done.
4. Your mum sounds like she has done a sterling job over the years but she needs reassurance that it is the dementia that is causing the problems and that sometimes the disease needs more than an untrained person can deliver on their own at home. Tell her that even if your dad is sectioned under the mental health act, that it doesn't mean that he won't be able to come home again. It means that he will get whatever treatment they can give him so that his symptoms are manageable. They will sort out medication and will observe him for a while to make sure he is functioning ok on a day to day basis before releasing him. Even if their recommendation is that he should be in a care home, your mum needs to know that this is a medical decision and nothing to do with her failing as a wife or carer. The thing is that the sooner he gets the attention he needs the sooner things can get resolved. To continue struggling just means your mum is putting her own health at risk and then where would you all be?
5. Ultimately, there is nothing at all anywhere that requires your mum to be your dad's carer. She cannot be forced to do it. If she has reached the limits of her endurance then that is it. Your mum herself is AT RISK, a VULNERABLE ADULT, being placed in a DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT that could be INJUROUS TO HER HEALTH AND WELL BEING. Your dad is AT RISK due to refusing assistance. He too is a VULNERABLE ADULT. He is in danger of causing bodily harm to others, including carers and anyone who tries to assist him. He is out of control.
Above is just my thoughts on the matter. You and your mum are doing everything you can to help your dad and you should be commended for that. I hope you get the resolution you are seeking and that your dad gets the help that he needs soon.
Fiona
Don't be scared by the suggestion of him being placed in a mental health unit. They are not the horrific places most of us imagine. My mum was blaced in a challenging behaviour unit 9 months ago. The care she has received there has been amazing, the staff are extremely used to dealing with all sorts of behaviour + have always shown respect and love towards mum and have been very supportive to us as a family. They have tried many different medications in order to find the right combination of drugs for mum but at no time have we felt she has been given a chemical coche (in fact the team will do anything to avoid over medicating). Many times over the past 9 months we have believed mum to be near the end of her life but thanks to the wonderful care she has been given she has ralleyed and is now stabilised enough to move to a nursing home.
Your mum needs help, and your dad needs proper assessment and his medication reviewed, the best way for this to be achieved may well be to have him admitted to a mental health unit. Him being admitted does not mean he will have to stay there, in fact their main aim is to get people stabilised enough to either go home or to move into an appropriate care setting to meet their needs.
Contact your dad's GP, social work etc and say your mum + dad are at risk, things have reached crisis point and that they have to help. It is not fair to have your mum, or your dad, to have to live like this.
Good luck
Karen x
Your mum needs help, and your dad needs proper assessment and his medication reviewed, the best way for this to be achieved may well be to have him admitted to a mental health unit. Him being admitted does not mean he will have to stay there, in fact their main aim is to get people stabilised enough to either go home or to move into an appropriate care setting to meet their needs.
Contact your dad's GP, social work etc and say your mum + dad are at risk, things have reached crisis point and that they have to help. It is not fair to have your mum, or your dad, to have to live like this.
Good luck
Karen x
