Having a wobble

[Donnadoobie]

I really need some advice regarding my Mum going into a care home.

Mum was initially assessed in October when she wasn't too bad, confused but still able to look after herself to some degree. By Christmas, she was unable to operate the TV, radio, microwave the gas oven had been disconnected and personal hygiene was at an all time low. She gets very confused looking for my Dad, her Mother home and has been known to wander in the dark and has been brought home by some well meaning neighbours. She was also showing delusional behaviour, talking to some pictures of celebrities, giving them food and then that progressed to her becoming scared as they didn't talk and wouldn't go away. On 5th January we had a meeting with the SW who has said she is no longer safe in her own home, she increased meals on wheels to every day and homecare to 3 times a day and felt that a month was a good target to get her into a care home.
We have had two weeks of homecare going in and I can notice a definite lift in Mums mood, less phone calls and less confusion, although we have had a couple of incidents, fusing the house by soaking the kettle base and I found her eating food I had put into the bin. My brother also got a phone call at 11.00 the other night telling him she had been out to the pub looking for his 2 year old daughter who was now asleep upstairs. He's not sure if she actually went but felt by the way she was talking she probably had.
She is due to start Aricept next week and is going to have an assessment by one of the homes next week too. We are being very sneaky and telling her work needs to be done on the house which makes me feel so bad but my questions are this.

Are we doing the right thing? Are we being pushed by the SW who is thinking of budgets (Homecare V self funded care home) or is this just an inevitability and she will go anyway and better to be planned than as an emergency? She seems so happy at the moment but I know that can change in an instant. I feel so confused I really don't know what to do for the best

 

[Grannie G]

fusing the house by soaking the kettle base and I found her eating food I had put into the bin.

That puts your mum at risk.

I do understand your anxiety though Donna and the Aricept might have a beneficial effect too.
How would you feel about a couple of weeks of respite care instead of permanent care at this stage?

 

[FifiMo]

Donnadoobie,

From what you say, I think the care package you have put in place is nothing more than a temporary sticking plaster. 3 care visits a day, even being generous, amounts to no more than 1.5 hours and so she is still on her own for 22.5 hours a day isn't she. We have all done what you are doing, thinking there have been improvements, putting things off, but the only outcome from that point of view is that arranging a care home then often has to be done as a result of a crisis. Then you might find that the care home of your choice doesn't have any vacancies, she will get redirected some distance away, the crisis will mean that she is not in the best frame of mind herself either. On the other hand, if you plan things right, find the right home, have her move in in a timely fashion when she isn't under stress of there having been a crisis etc, then you are setting the whole thing up to work to its maximum benefit. Your mum is obviously mobile and can communicate, so this in itself will mean that she can get involved in care home activies etc. You might find that she quickly forgets about home and enjoys the added company and attention she will get in the care home.

From my experience with my mum, who did go into care following a crisis, I really wish we had done this years ago as she is so enjoying herself where she is.

Just my opinion of course. At the end of the day you're the one who knows your mum the best.

Fiona

 

[Christinec]

Donnadoobie,
I would agree with everything Fiona says. My Mum went through a couple of years of emergency respite and escalating problems which were very difficult for her and us. When it was agreed she needed full time permanent care after another crisis she had to go in to a temporary room in a nursing home for 4 months before a place became available in the residential home where she is now. In retrospect I think avoiding the last 18 months Mum was in her own home would have been better for her as the situation just got worse and worse with more changes and crisis going on.

A good care home can provide routine which really helped my Mum as she is and was always very anxious.

Sadly the progress of this illnes in the long term only goes one way. Sometimes I visit and Mum can seem much better but this never lasts. Even now there are odd times when I wonder whether she could manage at home but I know this would never work.

This stage of putting someone in a home is very hard but for your Mum's safety this sounds to me like the best option. My Mum is now well looked after and safe and more content and calm than she was in the earlier years of this illness.

 

[Donnadoobie]

Thanks FifiMo, Granny G and Chrisinec

I know deep down that now is the time to act but just feels so bad especially as we have arrived here so quickly. FifiMo and Christinec your replies made me feel so much more positive and Granny G, I know she's at risk but just hearing it from somebody else is good to hear. We may just try respite first but I think we may need to play it by ear.

 

[gracey]

I know how you feel Donnadoobie.
Mum was living on her own after dad died 3 years ago and wasn't coping at all. She had people coming in 3 times a day. However she couldn't manage the rest of the time and would wander out of the house looking for dad.
We managed to get carers to live in (the cost wasn't too exorbitant). That worked for a while until the carers couldn't manage her because of her anxiety and her getting up all night.
We then decided on a home. I'm not sure whether it was right then but we found a home with a space and felt we needed to act before it was taken.
Whatever decision you make you will always feel guilty but that doesn't mean it was the wrong one.

 

[janb]

crisses

hi there, iunderstand just whatyou are allgoing through but feelin our case we was fobbed off a bit by social services and kept plodding along,3 care visits a day,4 times at the day centre, now we have come to the crisses stage,mum has been in restbite for 2 weeks and ss have now realised mum shouldnt be going home, but hey all the homes are full, apart from the horrible ones, so mum has today had to go home,and tomorow will probably be put in a care home miles away till one near home comes availlable, so yea look now and get names downonthe homes you prefer.