Sex

[Barney18]

I'm not quite sure how to ask this, so will just come out with it. How does everyone cope with sex? I have completely lost any urge to have sex with my hubby, whereas he still wants it a lot. More than before he got ill it seems. It just feels wrong trying to have sex with him, it's like having sex with someone who's not all there. I know it's not his fault and he gets really fed up with me because I don't want it. But things are just not the same.

 

[jenniferpa]

Other people have posted about this in the past although not often. Some have said that part of the problem is that as a carer you can often end up in more of a parent/child relationship than a partnership and that inevitably has an impact on libido. Others indicated that sex had tailed off over the years but the dementia had brought on an increase in libido on the part of the person with dementia (not an uncommon feature of certain types of dementia) and that was an unwelcome surprise. At least one person I know approached her GP about "reverse viagra" but didn't get very far since GPs are unwilling to prescribe medication to people surreptitiously.

I don't have any answers just a great deal of sympathy. It's one of those areas that isn't often talked about but should be.

 

[Barney18]

Thanks Jennifer I hadn't thought about the change in relationship but that's so true. It just feels wrong like we shouldn't be doing it

 

[Tana]

I don't know how bad your husband is, but I'm sure you have taken on a caring role with more responsibility than you had. You must be tired by bedtime, emotionally and physically.

If you think about it, men always seem to react the opposite way to women with regards to sex. If women are upset, worried or angry, they switch off. Men, on the other hand, seem to want sex more at those times as a release. Perhaps it's insecurity as he feels he's losing himself. Maybe cuddling up to watch TV before bed, then seperating for a hot milky drink would reassure him and help settle him.

 

[SnowLeopard17]

I can only empathise as we have the same issue and it causes quite a bit of upset! If i decline my husband's advances i am accused of not caring, or of not loving him. He asks if i am having an affair (how i would find the time i don't know), do I want to leave him etc.

I have read it is common feature as it has already been stated above and stems from insecurity and 'It's the only thing I have left'. It doesn't make it any easier to. I've tried distraction but it doesn't work for long.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Grannie G]

This Factsheet might be of some help. I hope so as it is such a delicate subject for an open Forum.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=129

 

[Barney18]

Thanks for everyones comments and I hope I haven't upset anyone. I didn't meanto be inappropriate or anything

 

[Grannie G]

Please don`t worry. I would liked to have commented but wasn`t sure how much to say and how much to hold back.

 

[jenniferpa]

I do think that even sensitive subjects should be discussed here - in fact I don't feel that any subject as it relates to dementia is taboo. If you need to discuss then you should discuss it. I think each poster has to decided how much or how little they are comfortable sharing.

I didn't think a few years ago I would be happy discussing some of the issues that surround, say, incontinence but there you go - it's a staple on the forum.

 

[olgab]

I'm not quite sure how to ask this, so will just come out with it. How does everyone cope with sex? I have completely lost any urge to have sex with my hubby, whereas he still wants it a lot. More than before he got ill it seems. It just feels wrong trying to have sex with him, it's like having sex with someone who's not all there. I know it's not his fault and he gets really fed up with me because I don't want it. But things are just not the same.

It sounds awful to say this but I was pleased to read your thread, not that I'm glad you have this problem but its reassuring to know that I'm not alone. Like you I find it difficult to cope with my husband's need for sex, I love him dearly but I do feel differently about him sexually since his condition has become worse. We kiss and cuddle a lot, I'm hoping that helps make him feel loved, but he still looks very upset when I say I don't feel like sex. This is such a wicked illness, we have to learn every day how to deal with new situations, I keep telling myself the quote I've read on these threads, ' don't mourn what you have lost, celebrate what you still have'. Its difficult at times though isn't it!! Good Luck and look after yourself

 

[lilac43]

Me Too

Barney 18, I too was pleased to read your post. Same situation here, hubby gets angry when I reject his advances which then leads to a bad mood and sulking until i do. These moods affect us all because if he s not speaking to me he also ignores the children, This puts even more pressure on me!!!! I have often thought about about speaking to the doctor about it but have not found the courage to yet. I know im not alone in this now, thanks for fetching up the subject. xx

 

[Barney18]

I'm glad I didn't upset anyone and it helps to be able to come on here and talk. It's not something I could have discussed with my sisters because although they know Mick's ill and sympathise they obviously don't understand what it feels like to be in my shoes. From reading your posts I know you understand what I mean. On Saturday when I started this thread Mick had refused to speak to me, get dressed, go for a walk or anything. He wouldn't tell me why he was so upset just sulked all day. I really want to help him but I don't want to be held at ransom either. I try to remain positive but it is hard trying to keep an even balance between despair at what I'm losing and staying tough enough to cope with what's to come. I hope that everyone will be able to come on here and keep posting because I take great comfort from feeling like I'm not on my own and it must be the same for all of us

 

[piedwarbler]

I'm really glad it's made you realise you're not alone - I think that's the best thing about TP, I felt no one really understood how I felt about dementia until I came on here xx

 

[dots]

when my husband started to get dementia it was hard to realise he was ill. Sex was something that happened as always. Then it was something I could do to make him happy, the problems started when he forgot it had happened and wanted it again. In the end I stopped as I felt it was wrong.

 

[Reds]

I'm glad too that this subject has been mentioned because I haven't discussed it with anyone as worry someone would think it was inappropriate. I have the opposite problem where my husband shows almost no affection to me. I have been told I look young and good for my age by many people and I feel fairly fit and young for my age (don't want to brag). I realise our relationship isn't going to be like it was when we were in our 20s, 30s, or even 40s etc but it would be lovely to be desired by him and to feel like still desirable to him and not just a wife or a person he lives with. Not even expecting anything really but just the occasional surprise hug or kiss, or 'you look nice' or a surprise treat of a few flowers or chocolate bar or something would be nice. As I would enjoy a bit of romance! He has never been a very touchy feely sort of person but even more eye contact would be nice. Don't mean to paint a black picture because as he 'always' has he will make me a cuppa in the morning and give me a quick goodbye kiss and also if we go for walks he is happy for me to put my arm in his. We have a good marriage so I don't make this a big problem but do wonder if its an alzheimer's symptom but he really isn't too bad and seems quite normal in many ways. He has had other probs such as grieving and work but I have spoken to him about this and I think in someways he thinks he is a bit too old or can't or shouldn't but I have said its about making an effort or even going to the doctors. I notice he looks away if he knows I am getting undressed at all. At first I thought he was just joking/being silly on purpose. Its like he has decided not to be interested and that its wrong or something. Sometimes it makes me sad that I don't have an intimate relationship as I am younger than him but in another way I have adapted and sometimes don't mind as I only mean occasionally it would be nice if we could be more loving. We used to have a good intimate relationship and sometimes I didn't want him to always want to and although there was a gradual decline I never expected he wouldn't want to at all as he used to be so interested.

I also feel the same though, I feel as though it wouldn't be the same now he has been diagnosed and perhaps wouldn't feel right, and obviously I do a lot of things to help to care for him. So feel that our situation has changed even though we both love one another. I know that he wouldn't realise this as definite haven't shown this in anyway and am happy not to worry him that I think it wouldn't be same anyway. I think I think its just strange that a man that once was so interested is not now bothered about sex/romance at all. I have even said to him 'do you love me' as sometimes just feel like more reassurance, or 'do you find me attractive' or 'do you think of me' etc once in a while and he always says yes so I think he must be content but is this fair to me? Oh well just have to grin and bear this as don't want to leave him or anything.

Thanks Barney18 for being brave and putting this subject on here, it has definitely helped to realise we are not alone and that it isn't always easy to discuss.

 

[markbi]

Lack of interest

I too have the problem of lack of interest in sex by my partner. For years we had a great sex life. As this progresses, he cares less and less for me. He was a very touchy feely sort of man, and I liked that. Now, he sleeps without touching me anyware (before he always had some part of his body touching me, hands, arm, feet, legs, etc.} Now he seems to not like being touched by me,but he touches other women. . It's hard not to feel rejected. Especialy since he has become somewhat of an exhibitionist to others, like our housekeeper, who finds him unclothed at times. He says it is an accident, but... It is so easy to blame myself, but feel it is the disease. Others seem to still flatter me and find me attactive. I am in good shapae. He says he loves me, etc. but seems to have lost interest in me in many ways. We were so close before.

 

[warwick]

kate

It's a problem for me too although a little different.
My husband who has dementia talks openly and provocatively about sexual matters but is unable now to do it. This was made more difficult by a prostate op.
It's as if he has forgotten how to do it.
I find that doctors are not very helpful when I try to ask about this....even neurologists.
I woul like some help as it was a very important part of our relationship before.

 

[beelady]

Totally agree with Red.

Totally relate to what Red says, there was a decline in our sex life before diagnosis and I was told this can be a symptom of this disease. Like Red a bit of affection would be nice, just a bit of recognition.

I find that I am getting lonelier and lonelier. We can be travelling in the car or a bus and not a word is spoken, a dead elephant could be laying in the road and it wouldn't be noticed or commented on.

But, I must say that he always trys to hold hands in bed I think this is just to reassure him that I'm still there,{ but it bugs the hell out of me.}

I am still relatively young at just 60 (my husband is 72), and I do wonder what life has got in store for me, but perhaps it's best not to go there.

 

[gill dix]

In truth, caring for someone full stop can really affect your libido. It is exhausting and often thankless and sometimes one doesn't feel good about oneself at all. People with dementia often live in an enhanced emotional state and can also lose some inhibition. i would say try no to be too hard on yourself..you cannot be what you are not and if you cannot feel sexual towards your husband, then that is the way it is. I may help you to know thatyou are far from alone in this problem and whilst there are no easy answers sometimes it is good to know that the feelings are shared by others.

 

[tre]

Hello Beelady,
We are similar ages to you and your husband- I am 59 and my husband is 71. I liked your bit about the elephant in the road, it made me chuckle. My husband would not see it either but would talk to me about it if I told him of its existence.
You probably like me do all the driving and most of the conversation for us in the car is led by me or is him asking the same thing over and over. If I am trying to negotiate a difficult bit of the route he will cooperate and keep quiet if I say can I answer you in a moment as I need to concentrate on this bit of driving. He often asks are we nearlt there yet as well.
My husband also likes me to hold his hand in bed- especially when he wakes during the night. He often does not appear to know where he is so if I take his hand and tell him he is at home in bed, he is safe, give him a kiss and tell him I love him but it is the middle of the night and I need him to go back to sleep as I am tired this mostly helps him to settle.
His libido is not what it was but sometimes it is quite obvious he is interested in sex but as you say he does not really know what to do. I am able to give him pleasure but afterwards he asks me if it was alright for me which breaks my heart as it just highlights that he no longer knows what to do to give his wife pleasure. I just say yes and give him a cuddle but as you say it can be a lonely place especially when he was such a caring and considerate man when he was well.
I do not know what the answer is.
Tre