I seem to have adopted my father

[rajahh]

If he is having trouble about getting to the bathroom on time, how about pads?? We get outs now through the continence clinic where we live, but to startoff you can buy them. I used to buy pants with pockets in that you slipped a pad into, but don't think they are marketed now. It is often ones with sticky backs like larger sanitary towels really. There are also some pants which have an absorbent pad already enclosed and they are completely washable.

I also have a waterproof mattress cover, waterproof cover for the chair my husband sits in, and half sheets for the bed which are absorbent.

Send me a private message if you want any help or details.

Jeannette

 

[Crikey]

Jeannette: thank you, but, fortunately, I don't think we're quite at that stage yet. It's more a worry about a potential mishap of not getting the timing quite right rather than a full loss of continence. But, if I may, I'll message you for info if it becomes an issue. So, thanks!

 

[jenniferpa]

Something that you might want to consider at this time is moving him gradually into trousers that are easier to get on and off than the normal, zip, button or hook, belt combination.

 

[sussexsue]

If I get dementia can you adopt me as well - you just sound so lovely and caring

I really do think it would be a good idea to get a waterproof mattress on the bed, just in case. M&S do fitted ones that have padded tops and look just like normal mattress covers, so he wouldnt know it was there. Another thing I found useful was to have a bath mat as a bedside mat, again just in case. So many of them look like normal rugs.

I so hope you can make this work, and I also hope your mum starts to feel happier. I know she was nasty to him, but she must have been under a lot of strain as well.

sue

 

[Crikey]

jenniferpa: thank you, that's a terrific idea. He's getting a bit tangled in layers at the moment, too--he really feels the cold so there's underwear, long johns, and belted trousers (I need to take him out and buy smaller trews, these are about two sizes too big because he's lost a lot of weight in the last year and he's not been able to sort out buying new ones for himself, so they'd drop to his knees without a belt!)

sussexsue: that's so sweet of you! (I think this may just be a honeymoon period though--I suspect it's going to get a lot harder for all of us when the initial relief wears off.) Really good idea about the mattress and mat because that can be done stealthily, without any embarrassment.

 

[rajahh]

I bought my husband the jogging bottoms and similar, but he is of the old school and absolutely hates them so he still wears thick corduroys plus belt, He doesn't like to feel trousers being tight so he wears pairs that are too big for him, even with the belt they of]ten drop down. I try to encourage him to tighten the belt but he won't. Just a warning your father may have similar thoughts.

Jeannette

 

[Crikey]

Jeannette: any idea where I can find some heavy cords for him? M&S ones are almost as thin as paper...maybe if we can find some warmer trousers, he might be able to ditch the long johns and cut out some of the many layers complications. (I'm a bit clueless as to where old school older chaps buy their clothing.)

 

[rajahh]

Old fashioned high waisted cords are available on line from Chums just google it. It is where we get Gordon's from.

Long woolen socks too would help the feet and legs to be warm so the wind does not get up the trouser leg if only ankle socks.

I got knee length socks from M and S

Chums are a bit slow indelivery ionfortunately. They have been mail order for years and do not function like the internet smart guys do yet, but the cords are good heavy weight.
Catalogue number for the cords is MX065

 

[rajahh]

Just had a look and mx065 is not actually what we got, but there are some fleece lined leisure trousers there, and lined trousers too. There is a customer service too I think you could ask or e mail them about what would be best. They will probably send you a catalogue. All the clothes older men wear are in there.

The trousers we bought in December were High Waisted Waisteze Cords, MX)65 seesm to now be Hidden wasited cords whatever that means.
Jeannette

 

[FifiMo]

Good selection of trousers here including cords: http://www.stephenallenmenswear.co.uk/trousers/farah.html

Fiona

 

[FifiMo]

Further to the above, Amazon also have good ranges of same items at very competitive prices. I've bought lots from there over the past few months and have never been let down. I'd check out there before anywhere else as I used this as my barometer over sizes, delivery, price etc and could compare things with elsewhere.

Fiona

 

[Crikey]

Fiona and Jeannette: thank you, those are brilliant leads. I'll show them to him in the morning, and get him measured up so we can order something easier and warmer for him to wear that could still fit in with his sense of what are proper clothes.

 

[catherine129]

One more suggestion, to add to the others, my Dad has been given a Buddi system -gps tracking device from the social services, so if you can get your dad registered, they may be able to help. I can track him to within a few hundred feet, and gives me such peace of mind (except if he gets lost round home lol as there is no mobile signal where mum and dad live, which you need for it to work) I have figured that if it doesn't register him, then I know roughly where he is, and we'd only have a small area to search.

I take my hat off to you, and see what help your entitled to as it will make life easier for you and your dad.

 

[catherine129]

Sorry, didn't read through all the posts, apologies if this has been mentioned xx

 

[O'Reilly]

trousers

Just a thought , try cotton traders, some of the trousers look very smart but are elasticated waist, but you wouldn't know, some spiffy cords too....from your *lovely sister*

 

[Crikey]

We're still getting on nicely, and my Dad seems to be settling in well. Though I am somewhat dreading tomorrow when both my husband and I are back at work (though he is going to pop round during the day to have lunch with the old boy.) It's going to be the first time he's been left alone here, and I'm slightly skittish about it. He's convinced that he can go out and about solo--but can't remember the address here, so that's not happening! (We're practicing. He can get the number right one in three times, but the street name just will not stick!)

We've just had a visit from the care manager from a local agency, and should be meeting a potential care worker on Friday, who will do a couple of lunchtimes each week if they get on with each other. We're thinking that preparing lunch together, and then going out for a post-lunch walk or errands (and lots of chat) will be a good thing for two days each week. And a friend, who has been a volunteer carer in the past is keen to help us for another couple of lunchtimes. I still have to talk to the local Alz Soc office who have been closed up to now, and the Legion...to help cover us for the next weeks while we wait for care assessment. (Had a lovely chat to the Alz Soc worker who came to see him in his home town, when the memory clinic helped arrange things.)

And we've had a letter from the council, who will be in touch to set up the care assessment. Hopefully he'll be eligible for some free personal care.

So, fingers firmly crossed. Because we're making good progress so far, and he seems so relaxed and happy here. (And thank you again for all the support! I have learned so much from reading here. Lots more learning to do, though.)

 

[jenniferpa]

Do you think if you gave him a photo of your house he would 1) recognise it and 2) remember to take it with him? Or possibly some kind of really distinguishing sign on the front of the house?

 

[Crikey]

Oh, nice idea! He knows that the shop downstairs is BRIGHT blue, which helps, and that our front door is green, but that's all that's sticking so far...

(he has the address written down in his notebook and wallet)

 

[karenlsinging]

What a wonderful daughter you are. You are dealing with your dad in exactly the right way/tone of voice etc. It's all about how you say something, not what you say!

My dad reacted in exactly the same way as your mum when mum was first diagnosed with Alzheimers and we were constantly telling him not to speak to her like that but I'm afraid he buried his head in the sand for a long while trying to "keep up standards" until eventually he realised she was never going to get better. Although he knew she had the disease he refused to accept it and wouldn't read any of the carers' manuals we were given, as he didn't want to face what was ahead of him. My brother and I read them from cover to cover so that we were prepared and when something happened we could say to him, "I read about that, it's quite common" or such like. I also printed out short paragraphs from Talking Point or AZ Scotland re different situations when they came up so he didn't have to read a whole book.

Once he got over the embarrasment factor of explaining to anyone when she did something odd, he cared for her in every way possible and refused outside help for such a long time, I think it's a generation thing. In sickness and in health and all that. He just said he would manage and got upset every time we tried to force the issue. My brother and I knew that we would have to be the ones who made the decisions about her care as he was never going to be able to do it himself without being consumed by guilt.

I see you live in Scotland which is a good thing when it comes to social care and respite help. I live in Edinburgh and when things were tough I was advised to speak to Emergency Social Work department to refer both mum and dad for an assessment of their needs etc. I did that and within a couple of days we had a visit from Social Worker and the ball started rolling organising all sorts of help from day care to respite care and eventually finding a nursing home for her.

Sadly she passed away in June 2010 at the age of 80 but dad had cared for her in her own home for 7 years before she spent her last 2 months in a nursing home. He was devastated at the loss as they had been together 60 years and she was his whole life for the last 7 of them. However, he is coping well now and is about to celebrate his own 80th birthday!

I wish you all the very best in your selfless journey and please remember to take care of yourself and your husband - you will need it! Accept every offer of help that is given, even if it is only to take your dad for a walk or a cup of tea while you get a bit of peace and quiet.

 

[Margaret W]

It all sounds good Crikey, and to your lovely sister I was just going to mention Cotton Traders, plus there are also adverts in the Caravan Club magazine (we caravanners are all old fogies into things like cords and thermal lined elasticated-waist trousers) and also in the Guardian. Not sure how you get access to those, presumably online. But places like Millets are also good (have they quite gone bust just yet?), and even George at Asda if you have a local store.

I wonder if giving him his own plastic lidded tub in the bathroom or wherever to put any possibly soiled or wet clothes would be better for him than having to put them in with the family washing?

Make sure there is lots of loo paper in the loo, spare rolls, and maybe one in his bedroom, and a roll of kitchen paper downstairs in case "it" happens there. It doesn't sound to me that it will, but if he feels reassured that there is the equipment there, it will feel good to him.

Back to your mum, though. Eh dear. Poor lady. My dad had no dementia, he had stomach cancer. He couldn't eat. His eating tract was full of "Bleughy" stuff, most unpleasant, and mum simply couldn't understand it. She was never the brightest of the bunch of bananas, but his cancer was beyond her comprehension. She didn't appreciate that he might be sick after chemo, or nodding off in the afternoon, or a bit confused cos he was so tired. She was on at him all the time. EAT THIS. WHY CAN'T YOU EAT IT, IT'S ONLY SCRAMBLED EGG. YOU AREN'T TRYING. DRINK YOUR TEA. DRINK IT UP COS I NEED TO WASH THE CUP. It was her routine to provide a cup of tea, and ten minutes later wash the cup. She couldn't cope with dad taking 20 minutes or longer. IT WILL BE COLD, YOU CAN'T DRINK IT COLD she would shout, until he was sick and fed up of her. Bless her, it was just her way. She didn't understand. So maybe that's how it is for your mum. My mum didn't disown my dad in the way that yours has, but she wasn't as gutsy, but she certainly complained about him to me - he won't do this, he won't do that, and when I told her it was because he COULDN'T do it, she genuinely did not understand. It was beyond her comprehension that a person couldn't enjoy a cup of tea. My dad only drank the tea cos he knew he would be dehydrated if he didn't. And he was intelligent enough to ask for a glass of water. Well, mum didn't do glasses of water, so it was more tea.

Mum got angrier and angrier with him, simply because she didn't understand. Fortunately dad recognised that and was able to cope with it, thought actually perhaps he didn't.

Anyway, it's not about me. You are doing a sterling job, and it sound like the right thing. If you can get care at home in place (where do you live? Nothing like that would be available near me), you are on a winner for the time being.

Love

Margaret