What to do?

[yildiz]

I have applied for welfare and legal guardianship for my mother,who is 74 and has alzheimers.Everything was a struggle as she was staying with me and I also have a brother and an uncle(mothers brother we don't have a lot of contact he has his own
family).In June,I had booked a holiday ,but mum did not come,my brother refused to
look after her,told me to put her in a home.I managed to get a friend to look after her
for me.I always knew my brother was selfish but never realised how much,how can some
people just be heartless.The mental health officer came to visit for reports and wanted to speak also to my brother,he refused,I called he did not answer my calls.I texted him
a message and asked him to talk to her,he texted back and said" not until all my mothers estate and finances were itemised for close scrutinisation" I cried for two days and my heart is heavy every time I think of it,how can he be so heartless? she could hopefully live for another twenty years,all he can think of is money...so I asked mum when she was lucid what she wants me to do and she says everything is split 50/50 between me and him.Mum owns three houses,they are all in dire need of renovation,my solicitor says they should be sold...my dilema is..do I renovate them and sort out all the work so they fetch a decent price(brother would not lift a finger
to help)or do as my husband says and just sell to a developer for a knock down price
(goes against my grain dearly)and save myself the hassle cos its a lot of work to be done and would break my heart.Help me please with all your thoughts.My brother has not seen mum since last xmas,not a phonecall,nothing.last year he came with his two daughters for xmas dinner at my house,this year I have booked for me,hubby,mum and
the lady who looked after her for xmas dinner out in a lovely restaurant.MY brother ,and neices can dine elsewhere,not that I expect him to show face,hopefully the guardianship will go to court before xmas,I expect he will contest it when the mho asked him if I was a fit person to look after mum he said"no comment"!!!
selfish,selfish,selfish human being!mum is a lovely,warm lady who has just fallen prey to this disgusting disease,he is like a vulture flying over,waiting to pounce when its time.Obviously,he does not need her love,or respect her as a mother,but just wants to know what gain is there for him,he does'nt take her to the doctors/hospital,cut her toenails,massage her feet,wash/dress,feed etc all the things we do with love,I just want her safe,and warm and happy,sorry about the rant but the anger overwhelms me,at a cold heartless rat.

 

[lin1]

I am so sad to read this about your brother
Its hard if not impossible to understand why some people behave so

One day he may realise that their are more important things than money or possessions and just what he has lost

Please dont apologise for a rant. this is a good place to let off some steam, unfortunately many people on tp understand only to well
what its like to have such a relie
sending you my love x

 

[jenniferpa]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position.

One thing I do want to say is that whatever you decided to do with the property (and to be honest I'm with your husband on this one, why put more effort into it?) the money is still your mother's and should not be distributed until after her death. Don't even THINK you can do this split now. She may prefer that the money be split between you but you simply do not have the right to make that distribution at this time. Anything you realize from her properties should be placed in secure savings to pay for future care, or in fact her current upkeep.

Unfortunately you can't choose your relatives. All those awful people in the world? They probably have perfectly nice relatives.

Take care and in my opinion take the easiest legal path.

 

[2jays]

Siblings!!!!

I was questioned like you have been about my Mum's care and her money (me youngest, but given POA) so know how hurtful siblings can be. (tempted to write ignorant )

I think my sibling is scared of the situation and can't deal with it so came across as the big know it all. Very difficult to deal with their insecurity and Mum as well.

Very difficult to know what words of wisdom to give. All I can say is be strong with your sibling, dont be bullied by them. (not easy I know) forget niceties, they have forgotten them, and tell them what you really think - its not as if you are going to be the first to damage the relationship is it? - its already been damaged by their behaviour.

Thinking of you

 

[yildiz]

Thank you

a huge thank you,to all of you out there.I do not know where I would be without your support,its such a relief to know that others are or have been in similar circumstances.
I know that its mum's money that will come from the sale of the houses,which have been left empty for years,that's why they need renovating but I want her to benefit from the sale of them.She owes council tax bills,etc.
The way my brother worded his text was as if she was already dead,she's far from it,ok she's ill but if you never knew you would think she was fine, just by looks.Its all very heartbreaking.I took mum to live with me when I was aware,she was eating rubbish and not the meals i put in the slow cooker for her,she has been here a year now.Doctors agree she looks much better,probably due to better nutrition,from reading this forum
I give her coconut cream also in her diet,she is on Aricept and Haliperidol as she was very,very aggressive at the beginning,it was a horrendous time but now she has settled,the doctors have explained she will not always be able to stay with me,I understand this,but for now I want to try to make her life as easy and stressfree as possible because she has always been a worrier and had a fear that she would go into a home,on the financial side,I know that I will have to account for every pence especially for my brothers sake.In this past year,it's as you do,what is one more mouth to feed,mums needs have integrated with our own in a natural way,bank accounts show her pension is there,her only income.She has sherriff officers letters etc the solicitor has helped as we wait for the court proceedure,sherriff officers have raided her bank account many many times over the years which I was unaware of.sale of the houses will sort out all that mess and put funds aside for future care she could not even get pension credit because she had the houses,its all a mess....my brother will sit back and wait!!! my husband and I used to live in Turkey,we came home when mum had a fire in the house,I knew I always had to be here for her,I could not imagine what would have happened if I never came home she would have been lost before now,she was brought with the police numerous times,went off in taxis,strangers,got lost in supermarkets,my husband says even this last year,if she was on her own,she would've been lost,even though they put you through the worst things imaginable and you believe you just can't take anymore,a good day comes along and suddenly its all worth it,cos you do the best you can,thanks for listening everyone.
all for council tax,
and I can only hope

 

[myheadisinaspin]

my brother and i now have LPA of mums affairs and also health but it was really a battle to get with my brother, until i said ok im handing the affairs over to the solictors because you and i are clearly not suitable to look after her affairs, he knew that he would have no say in anything lol so he backed down and become amicable enough to go through things.xx the thought of it being totally taken out of his control freaked him out more than fighting with me hehehe

 

[ellejay]

Hi There,
I've just read your thread and I think I'd get rid of as many problems as I could so the way forward can be as uncluttered as possible.

Why spend time renovating houses when that will eat into time you can spend with your family?

So, sell the houses, clear the debts ( and the decks )and get on with making life comfortable for those who matter.

Hopefully your mum will have maximum benefit from any money and your brother can go whistle.

You can't understand how his minds works, I wouldn't waste energy trying.

Be kind to yourself

Lin x