I feel so guilty

[spanner]

Hi, I'v just written a long thread and then lost it all which is quite demoralising after plucking up the courage to reach out and talk to someone (anyone) and tell them how I'm feeling. someone who will understand.
I'm the only daughter in a family of four children, We've all had difficult childhoods and strained relationships with our mum. Everything has fallen on my shouldersans keeping her at home has been an exhausting three years. things have got too dangerous for her to live on her own and I'v had to get her into emergency respite on fridayt, I went to see her yesterday and it was heartbreaking and depressing, everyones dementia is a lot more advanced than my mums, although the staff seem nice. I will be onto the social worker tomorrow to get her moved, but right at this moment I feel so guilty that she has to be there although everyone keeps telling me that I'v done the right thing

 

[piedwarbler]

Please don't feel guilty. You have done your best. And for a very long time. If you could have done it any other way you would have. I do understand, I feel guilty too, you are not on your own here. Tell the guilt monster to push off!

 

[Saffie]

How does your mother seem there? There are a few of us here that are not especially happy with the homes our loved ones are in but we all took a lot of time trying to find the best we could manage or afford. I myself look at every aspect every day and am continually questioning my choice - everything that doesn't seem to be right makes me doubt my decision but my daughters tell me that I would never be happy wherever he was. I too feel guilty though it was not my decision that he went into a nursing home.

Give it time - and this is only respite. You will have time to find another place should you wish for further respite or indeed sometime, a more permanent arrangement. I doubt you will find a home that is perfect, though some TPers have come pretty close. Good luck, and enjoy your rest while you can.

 

[Chemmy]

Don't forget your mother won't be looking at things the same way as you are - she may not find the situation as strange and depressing as you do.

If the staff seem kind, I'd take that as a big positive. When you're there, maybe you could discreetly watch how they interact with the other residents in their care and how those residents respond.

 

[britcare4]

Please don't feel guilty. It sounds as if you are doing a lot for your mum. Our neighbour (89 with Alzheimers)relies on us for a chat, up to 50 phone calls a day, because her children can't even be bothered to phone her let alone visit. She has Polish carers living in and us across the road but would be better off in a home.
So your mum has it good, stop worrying.

 

[eastiesgir]

Please don't feel guilty, from what you have said you have done all you can and done your best to care for your mum. I don't think that a day goes by when I don't feel guilt over something or other with regards to my mum, but I try and remind myself that I;m doing my best and no one can ask anymore than that.
I don't always convince myself but I keep on saying it

 

[carpe diem]

You are not responsible for your mum having dementia and having to stay in a place where she will be safe rather that at home. Feeling guilty just shows that you care, unlike some people who don't care or feel guilty and just leave it all up to you. I hope your Mum enjoys some company and that you know you have done the best you can. x

 

[spanner]

Thankyou for your words of support, I was feeling so alone this afternoon, I had phoned the home to find out how mum was and I was passed onto her, she got very tearful and said she was feeling bewildered and when was she going home?
She can hold a good conversation and I'm worried that the change in enviroment will confuse her so much but I suppose there's no way round this.
I went to look at a nice home on Saturday and they have a vacancy, I just need to get the social worker onto it tomorrow so mum can go and have an assessment and hopefully move over there as soon as possible. The manager of the home she's in at the moment said to me that Mum is too good to be there.
it's such a horrible condition, so frightening for the sufferer and all consuming for those close to them.
I wish there were some easy answers