I feel so guilty all the time

[JennyS]

I've only posted a few times before but do read this forum regularly. Mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia just over 18 months ago & in all honesty, has been fairly ok until just recently. Her memory is getting worse which I'd expect, but the most difficult part is her denial of everything. I know I should have plenty of patience with her because she's not the mum I knew anymore, but I'm finding it difficult just lately to stay calm and I shouldn't be feeling like this I know. I work full time & some days are longer than others, so when I get home tired & just wanting a cuppa, I feel a bit resentful of having to speak to her. Any appointments she has, dependant on what they are, I do or me & my youngest brother do with her I have two brothers, one of whom hardly bothers with our mum, the other looks after her finances and sees & speaks to her regularly. I speak to her most days & every weekend we go out for the day somewhere, whether it's shopping & lunch or something else. If we can't go out, for whatever reason, on either of the weekend days, I feel so guilty, because she looks forward to it so much. The last 3 weeks have been stressful to say the least. In short, she had her flu jab & promptly insulted the nurse. I told her off (which I now know I shouldn't have) and it's escalated into her going to the surgery every day (which she denies), looking for her so she can apologise. The nurse rang mum to tell her it was ok & not to worry, all was fine. Mum still continued with her fixation until yesterday, when I spoke to the surgery who have suggested she comes in tomorrow to see the nurse face to face so hopefully will get closure on the issue. I rang mum tonight to let her know about the surgery visit but she already knew, as she'd rung the surgery herself today! Again! The frustration is driving me nuts, that I shouted......then cried when I put the phone down. Sorry for the rant. I feel so bad

 

[reno]

Hi there

Please try not to worry about this too much. I've snapped and been short-tempered with my mum before and it was terrible to watch her face. But the only blessing about dementia is that the next day, after I'd been having a sleepless night with guilt, she had forgotten all about it.

I know it doesn't help with your guilt at the time, but at least it doesn't seem to have any lasting damage ... due to the lack of memory.

And please don't get yourself in a state over the nurse/surgery business. No need to be embarrassed about it. People in the NHS must be used to this kind of thing on a very regular basis, and are certainly used to the behaviour of people with dementia (whereas to us it is new/embarrassing/frustrating). I'm sure they just take it in their stride.

 

[Kit Kat]

I feel guilty too

Hi Jenny S

I've not been on the forum for quite a while now. I didn't use the forum because I felt that by talking about my mum I was betraying her and my dad. I totally understand when you said you felt guilty about your feelings and behaviour towards your mum. I did and still do get impatient with mum, and feel quilty about it. I really try to accept that I am powerless over mum's illness, but then the "but why her" comes popping into my head.

We a a small close family. I am an only child, and my mother who is 81, is in the latter stages of Alzheimer's, my dad is her primary carer. Dad accepts no help from Social Services or any other organisation. He is really stressed and overworked but he can't see it. He feels it's his duty to care for mum. He says it goes with the package of marriage vows, that mum has looked after us for 45+ years and the time he spends caring for her is a very small fraction of the sacrifices mum made for us.

I feel guilty and useless pretty much all of the time. I help dad care for mum, but I always feel that I'm not doing enough. In my mind, I keep going back to the all the negative things that have happened in our family - the silly things, the quarrels, the misunderstandings. I even feel guilty that mum was evacuated during the War.

The biggie I guess, is that I feel I have wasted so much time since mum's diagnosis. She was diagnosed 5 years ago. I have gone through the "stages of grieving" but I am left with the feeling that I haven't and don't do enough for my mum and, of course, my dad.

I guess there aren't any answers, but I think it's very brave to talk about the guilt we go through as carers. This is the first time I have talked about the guility feelings I experience. I really don't want you to think I am whingeing or that I am full of self pity, because I'm not. Whatever I'm going through is nothing compared to what mum is going through.

I guess the other crucial thing is that when I needed a listening ear in the past, my mum was always there for me. She's still here, but in a very different way. I miss my mum so very much.

Hang in there
Kit Kat