My mother has had dementia now for probably 4 years. She has just been moved to a wonderful Dementia unit in a residential home. I am okay with it I understand whats happening. But all of a sudden it hits me that I have lost her and I feel like I am grieving. But she is still here and I know I will come to terms with it once again and then it all starts again. I am very down. I feel disloyal talking about this. I do not want to burden anybody as it seems we all have our own problems. Does anybody else feel like this? M
I am so sad
- Thread starter Margaret Eileen
- Start date
Going through the same thing
Hi Margaret. Just wanted to say that I'm in exactly the same boat as you. My dad is waiting to go to a home whilst in hospital and has had a very fast decline. It is true, we are grieving - it comes in waves - one minute you are coping fine and then a huge wave of sadness can engulf you. The best thing I can suggest is to look after your health as best you can, especially your mental health. I have been in touch with CRUSE the bereavement counselling charity who offer free counselling to people in our situation and am waiting for counselling to see if that will help.
Do whatever you need to do to look after you. It is such a hard and stressful time.
Sending you my healing thoughts. Take care.
Debs x
Hi Margaret. Just wanted to say that I'm in exactly the same boat as you. My dad is waiting to go to a home whilst in hospital and has had a very fast decline. It is true, we are grieving - it comes in waves - one minute you are coping fine and then a huge wave of sadness can engulf you. The best thing I can suggest is to look after your health as best you can, especially your mental health. I have been in touch with CRUSE the bereavement counselling charity who offer free counselling to people in our situation and am waiting for counselling to see if that will help.
Do whatever you need to do to look after you. It is such a hard and stressful time.
Sending you my healing thoughts. Take care.
Debs x
We all do this. It is a living grieving hell, because our loved ones are changing before our eyes and becoming someone we do not know. You must not feel disloyal for a single second. Sometimes we have to make decisions for others because we love them. I hold on to the fact that when the time comes we will be better prepared for the end. You must talk as much as you can and you must also try and find funny moments to laugh about, as well as special ones to remember. They are still there, you just have to look harder.
I understand your feelings Margaret Eileen. it is how most of us feel when we have to make the decision for residential care. It means we are unable to provide for the needs of thos we hoped to continue to care for at home and it`s a rude awakening.
You are not being disloyal, you are seeking support from those who understand and have come to the right place.
You are not being disloyal, you are seeking support from those who understand and have come to the right place.
It's incredibly hard to see our loved ones become people we no longer recognise and we are grieving for the people they once were. I still love my Mum even though she's not the same person any more. I remember her as being a very strong-minded, intelligent, independent, feisty Irish woman with a lot of interests and now she's very confused, is living in a care home and has no interests at all. When we visit, she repeats the same stories over and over again and it's incredibly hard and sad to be with her.
However, there are still glimpses of the old Mum and the last time we were there we were talking about my OH's 60th birthday which was last May. Mum said "did I forget your birthday?" and my OH said "yes but don't worry about it". She then said "well I do remember everyone's birthdays but just not at the right time!" and we all fell about laughing. She always had a good sense of humour and that's the one thing she hasn't lost yet.
We have to accept that our loved ones have this terrible illness that turns them into shadows of their former selves but they are still there, the memories of what they once were are still there and there are these little moments of humour that we have to treasure as we face the future.
You are not alone. I am sure we all feel the same way and the beauty of this forum is that you can say what you want without feeling guilty or feeling you will be judged in any way. It's not easy but you care and that's the most important thing.
However, there are still glimpses of the old Mum and the last time we were there we were talking about my OH's 60th birthday which was last May. Mum said "did I forget your birthday?" and my OH said "yes but don't worry about it". She then said "well I do remember everyone's birthdays but just not at the right time!" and we all fell about laughing. She always had a good sense of humour and that's the one thing she hasn't lost yet.
We have to accept that our loved ones have this terrible illness that turns them into shadows of their former selves but they are still there, the memories of what they once were are still there and there are these little moments of humour that we have to treasure as we face the future.
You are not alone. I am sure we all feel the same way and the beauty of this forum is that you can say what you want without feeling guilty or feeling you will be judged in any way. It's not easy but you care and that's the most important thing.
