Memorial, or not?

[Brucie]

People tend to fall into at least two categories: those who want no physical memorial at a church or other place, for their loved one - and those who do want something, a focus, perhaps.

I waited almost a year to decide what to do for Jan. Eventually, I decided on a simple memorial plaque placed on the wall in the beautiful walled garden of the crematorium where her service was held. I wanted something that would last beyond my own time.

We always loved old houses and walled gardens so this seemed most appropriate.

I have not yet arranged precisely when to do something there with Jan's ashes - that will be soon, though.

Meantime, today would have been our 43rd wedding anniversary.

Sometimes a person will say to their family "I don't want any memorial", but I feel that decision is not necessarily theirs to take. After a person has passed on, their loved ones must come to terms with that, in a way that is most appropriate for them.

.... all these things are my own opinion, of course.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Bruce, that's just perfect. A beautiful garden and a simple but elegant plaque.

 

[Scottie45]

Dear Bruce

Very nice and what a lovely garden,take care Marian xx

 

[CaPattinson]

Brucie, that is so beautiful and the perfect place for your memorial plaque, perfect.
I hope you find much comfort in years to come. xxx

 

[Loopiloo]

What a beautiful walled garden. The memorial plaque is perfect.

Sometimes a person will say to their family "I don't want any memorial", but I feel that decision is not necessarily theirs to take. After a person has passed on, their loved ones must come to terms with that, in a way that is most appropriate for them.

I do agree with you.

I have a friend who has told her family she wants no memorial, she thinks it is "vain". But she has four children who have children who will have children... they may well want someplace to visit and to remember her. It gives comfort.

Today is also our wedding anniversary. Our 53rd. My husband Henry has been in a care home almost four months. I have not mentioned it to him, nor did I last year. The year before that I did and he was very upset that he had forgotten. So the pain of being unable to share it has somewhat eased although the memory will forever live with me.

Beautiful peaceful garden.

Loo xx

 

[Izzy]

It's beautiful Brucie. I think a garden is a wonderful way to remember someone. We are just about to open a sensory garden in the school and it has two remembrance trees with plaques beside them - one for a teacher who died of cancer and one for a girl who was killed in a car crash over 20 years ago. It's such a peaceful place.

 

[Amy]

What a beautiful garden Brucie....this must be a day full of memories.

Love Helen

 

[CraigC]

Hi Bruce

I'm definitely for the memorial. I've had other family members unsure or against it but just feels right for me/mum/dad so going with my gut feeling. Mum passed away and her only wish was that her ashes be in the same place as dads. Bit complicated as you know but in storage and will do something special when the time comes. There are memorial plaques in the crematorium (near to our home) and I think it would be fitting. I'm not sure why it feels right. If im totally honest was a little shocked at the price of £2200 but hey ho, two weeks care home fees and something meaningful.

Lovely picture and fitting memorial Bruce. I'm totally with you on some kind of memorial and this seems fitting for Janice. Thinking of you all.

Kindest Regards
Craig
x

 

[Brucie]

Thank you everyone,

I'm trying to record each phase of this sad involvement with dementia, in the hopes that it may help someone else, too.

Just some info, since Craig has mentioned £££. At first, I was a little stunned by the cost - in our case, it cost £1,521 for the plaque shown in the picture.

That price was for perpetuity.

They reluctantly offered lower prices for 20 years and 10 years. I asked what happened at the end of such 'leases'. It appears they remove the plaques and throw them in a skip.

Frankly, I'd prefer to do nothing than have that happen. Craig is as ever, sage, in equating the cost with care home fees.

I simply did the equivalent of the "Dirty Harry" question - "Are you feeling lucky, punk?". In my case the question was "Was Jan worth the money?" - and of course there was no other answer than "yes. yes. yes."

As a footnote, my new family is making that walled garden a family zone and in time, I'd hope to have my own plaque there.

However, I leave that to whoever cares enough to ask the question, once I'm gone!

 

[together]

Bruce, What a lovely memorial in a beautiful place. I think you were very wise to leave it a while to decide. For us it was all done very quicly with Mum, too quickly I feel now. Also how hard it is to please a full family. I just offered ideas and followed Dad, we have a beautiful bench in their favourite gardens and even tho Dad can't visit alone it does seem special to him, for me tho I struggle. My true thinking place are the hills round me here. We scattered her ashes in cornwall and am scared to return now.

My niece tho lost her Mum when she was 9 (18 yrs ago) and has just gone to pieces with me as there is no memorial at all. She needs it but the death was never discussed and am now desperately thinking of a way to help without offending/upsetting my brother. She wants to honour/remember her dear Mum but feels silly it being so long ago. everyone is different aren't they, it's so difficult.

Sending you love, wishing you many happy memories in your special place
Katherine xx

 

[Brucie]

Hi Katherine
In reality I'm not sure we can ever please everyone, but we should always aim, of course, not to cause others pain while we decide what to do.
For my part, I can't see how a memorial could cause offence - other than in terms of location, or wording - or cost.
We went to Jan's plaque last weekend, the whole of my new family, aged between 3 years and 89 years. The children were running about and had a whale of a time, and they asked questions about the place, and read many memorials. This was a not disrespectful occasion, and it seemed, somehow to bring Jan back among us that we were not solemn and mournful.
My step mother died three months before Jan and now my Dad won't return to Sussex where they once lived. That is sad, because our loved ones are all around us, and happy memories can be recalled according to location.
We did think of a bench along with others by the river, but recalled what one of the grandchildren said, on one of our walks there. He was 10 at the time. He said "it makes me depressed, seeing all these benches". I don't agree and know my Mum would have loved to have had a plaque on a bench there [I have a brother too, to consider], but because of his comment, and Jan's love for walled gardens, we did what we did.
If your niece would find peace if there was to be a memorial, then I'm sure there must be a middle way. Good luck, and thanks for your reply.