I am the worlds worst daughter

[leslin48]

My heart is breaking mum goes into a care home on Monday, why carnt I have persevered, had more patience with her, but i have come to the end of my tether, she is so scared, she doesnt want to go,why is life so cruel, shes never harmed anyone and has always been the perfect mum, my rock, my life, and now im sending her away,putting her away as she says.
my head is in turmoil my next job is to sort her home out wich she owns, dont know where to start, ive let her down badly and i hate myself

 

[Izzy]

Oh leslin - you are no way the world's worst daughter. You are doing what you have to do. You cannot soldier on when things get too much for you. I absolutely know that this will come to me at some point - either for my mum or for Bill - or for both. I have no doubt I will feel how you are feeling. You will have done the very best for your mum and you will continue to do your best for her - wherever she is.

There are more people on TP who have the experience I don't have and will be able to help you. Izzy x

 

[elaine n]

leslin please don't hate yourself. You've done every thing you can for your mum and now you're allowing other people who aren't worn down by constant caring to take over and help both you and your mum. All we can do is our best but we also need to recognise, as you have, when it's time to step back for the sake of our own health sometimes. I'm sure your mum will settle in time and then you can have quality time wiyh her . with love elaine xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Notwaving]

You are still caring for your Mum. Her going into a home does not mean you have abandoned her. You caring will be sorting out the best care for her. You will guide them through what your Mum likes and dislikes
You will visit her as a daughter not a carer, others can do that. You will be able to take her out, enjoy being with her.
You are no use to your Mum if you collapse under the strain.
You have done your best. I know all this ,as I have been down the same road.
My Mum is now settling down and enjoying the skittles, cards,bingo, sing songs at the home. This miracle has taken 3 months . So hang on in there. Kind regards Ann x

 

[leslin48]

thankyou for your kind thoughts

 

[LynneR]

In same boat!

My mum went into a care home last Friday and I have been feeling so guilty. It all happened so quickly, I had a phone call from her neighbour last Wednesday night at 9:45 pm, who said she had been wandering in a busy main road at least three times last week and on the last occasion she fell into the road. A passing motorist helped her up and mum took her to the neighbours house saying that that was where she lived. After meetings all day Thursday with myself and my husband and a SW and CPN, they decided she was a danger to herself and others and on Friday she was taken by the SW and a support worker to a care home. There is a deprivation of liberty order on her too. I live 75 miles away from her, so on Saturday took a case full of clothes etc to her. She looked terrible and so confused and the home is not what I would have chosen. I am now trying to get her into a home near me but could not make an appointment to see the manager until tomorrow as she was on holiday. I have spent all week since last Saturday trying to sort out her paperwork, which was stuffed in every drawer of the house. She will be self funding so have to try and find every passbook and bank statement. Mum has always been fiercely independent so has never let me look at her finances although she did allow me to get POA done five years ago and we registered it recently as things were going down hill fast.
I take great comfort in what others say on TP and hopefully my mum will be singing and playing soon. She has had a miserable existence for at least four years and has not accepted any help from me or Social Services.

 

[Starshine]

Hi Leslin
Please Please don't feel guilty, you have done your best for as long as you can, now its the turn of the NH to give you some support and time, you will still be caring for Mum and you will still be there for her and hopefully have time and energy to feel more closer to her, we have been through all this several times over, it just doesn't get easier at all, but with luck and good carers Mum will once again, feel secure enough to join in and have a better quality of life, and no responsibility on her to try and MANAGE!
Good Luck
Starshine x

 

[Contrary Mary]

Hi there.

If you are the world's worst daughter, then I will be the second worst. This is the sort of post I expect to make sometime(but hopefully not just yet).

You have done your very very best, but unfortunately this disease has got the better of you. No-one could ask any more of you.

I'n sure you will continue to love and support your Mum, but just in a differenct way.

Keep posting here, we will always be here to listen and will not judge.

Mary
x

 

[Bronwen]

Pleaase don't feel like this...GUILT is one of the worst emotions to cope with in dealing with this evil disease and goes with the territory.You have done your absolute best and I'm sure in time the hours you spend with your mum in the care home will be really good times because you aren't run ragged trying to do everything...and your mum will be happy, even though she may not be able to show it, because she knows you aren't having to do so much.

My best wishes
Bronwen

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Leslin, so many of us have been in your situation, "putting" our loved ones in a care home, and instead of seeing it as a failure on your part, try to see it as you doing your best for your mum. Someone had to make the decision, and you were strong enough to do it. That is admirable. Really admirable.

Remind yourself that you took that step, that had to be taken.

Love

Margaret

 

[piedwarbler]

Are you heck the world's worst daughter, get in the queue behind me!! There is no point feeling guilty, it's a useless feeling, tell yourself you'll feel guilty tomorrow and put that feeling in a box and shut the lid.

You have done the best you could by your mum and you have not walked away. So you should not feel bad.

In a way it is worse what has happened to you cos you have had time to plan. My mum had to go into a home after a crisis and she literally could not get out of her chair at home so we all knew it had reached that stage where she was not coping. Even she accepted it reluctantly and went in on a respite basis at first, so she did not have to think about leaving her house for the last time (thought that is how it turned out, and her house is now sold).

Are you in a position where you could talk to your mum about it being temporary to start with, and then as she settles, start to talk about a permanent move? My mum kept agreeing to one more week, one more week, and then finally she agreed after two months, to stay. In reality we never thought she would go home, the social worker agreed, but it worked - luckily for us - though she did have periods of yelling that she wanted to go home.

I think Mum knew perfectly well she could no longer cope but expressed her frustration at this by shouting at me and my sister that we were wicked and she wants to die.

Be kind to yourself xx you are a very very good daughter xx

 

[Charizomai]

Hi Leslin, I just read your entry and see it was posted in July. By now your mom has settled in? How are you doing? You say you are the world's worst daughter... I bet we all feel like that some times... I know I do despite of what anyone says...

 

[bbrian123456]

leslin,i put my mum in care home i felt guilty but i was advised if i didnt i would be no use to anyone i couldnt look after her and work,plus mum got the better care in nursing home,sadly she was in nursing home 7 year and passed away 3 years ago.mums at peace now and i thank all whom looked after her,dont feel guilty

leslin mum be fine
take care
Brian MENTAL HEALTH CARER

 

[TextintheCity]

The world's worst daughter wouldn't give a xxxx about their mother and wouldn't care. Don't beat yourself up,your mother as she was wouldn't want you to. It's a sad fact of life that the carers get worn out, before the 'cared for'. That's why I am sitting here on Saturday night, going through the forum feeling that I'm on the Titanic (it was on the TV earlier and I bawled my eyes out!!). I try to take pleasure in the small things, a song on the radio, a shaft of sunlight on a grey day or the sight of a young child in a world of wonder as they ask their parent's 'why...' and know that mum or dad always knows. And I planted my tomato plants today - oh the wonder when the first teeny weeny baby tomato appears! Oh, and I love that this is the third long weekend as I work full time plus try to organise mum at distance. Will be going to visit tomorrow to try and help her clear up and then go shopping to try and persuade her to get some new clothes. Whatever happens, she always likes a fish and chip lunch in Fenwicks at Brent Cross. The waitress once asked whether mum would like a child's meal (being kind) and mum was horrified! We can still laugh about that (ten times in a day!)
Night all!
TXT x

 

[my wife]

leslin48

Hi leslin
just read your post, please believe me, you are not the worst daughter in the world. I am not quite in your situation yet, but, my wife Marion was in an assessment ward for 7 weeks,she came home for only 4 weeks and she was back again, I thought that I was a failure and useless and could not cope and was a total wreck (see SAD).
I have a community Matron who comes to see Marion and myself and when I told her how I felt she told me something I would never have thought of, and It applies to all of use who care for loved ones.
this is what she told me........YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING AFTER MARION 24/7 THAT IS ABOUT THE SAME AS A NURSE IN HOSPITAL WORKING FOR 6 MONTHS AS THEY DO THEIR SHIFT AND GO HOME AND COME BACK THE NEXT DAY REFRESHED, YOU DON'T HAVE THAT LUXURY.

So don't beat yourself up please

Love
Dave (with a big warm virtual hug)

 

[deputy]

my heart goes out to you.

My heart is breaking mum goes into a care home on Monday, why carnt I have persevered, had more patience with her, but i have come to the end of my tether, she is so scared, she doesnt want to go,why is life so cruel, shes never harmed anyone and has always been the perfect mum, my rock, my life, and now im sending her away,putting her away as she says.
my head is in turmoil my next job is to sort her home out wich she owns, dont know where to start, ive let her down badly and i hate myself

My heart goes out to you. You are in so much turmoil. I do understand, I have looked after my mum and her brother with dementia and both had to go into a home, but I promised both I would do as much as was humanly possible, first.
You sound like you have.
You are obviously a VERY CARING DAUGHTER. People who don't care wouldn't feel as you do and don't go through what you are describing.

The important thing is to see she has little favourite creature comforts in the home, like her favourite perfume. Photos of the family and friends.
But MOST IMPORTANTLY take her out as often as you can.
But do give her 2-3 week to settle in first or you will just confuse her ( I made this mistake with my mum)
It's the fear of being locked in that is most frightening - if she can go to the garden centre with you - anywhere - that means she can just get out fror an hour.
Take 1 thing at a time. Goto an estate agent THEY will tell you what to do and help

 

[lis]

re your mum

My heart is breaking mum goes into a care home on Monday, why carnt I have persevered, had more patience with her, but i have come to the end of my tether, she is so scared, she doesnt want to go,why is life so cruel, shes never harmed anyone and has always been the perfect mum, my rock, my life, and now im sending her away,putting her away as she says.
my head is in turmoil my next job is to sort her home out wich she owns, dont know where to start, ive let her down badly and i hate myself

dont feel guilty

 

[bulmer]

I live with guilt also,Ive been looking after my mum for three years before that my sister who lives three and a half hours away from me looked after her untill she it made her ill and she had to give up work. I,m know struggling and slipping into depp. You can only do what you can do. Good luck a bad daughter wouldnt feel guilty. Take care.