It's now 5 months since I lost Mum, please tell me it will ease. Have just broken up for the summer holidays on Tues and in those 2 days the last 5 months seem to have hit me, my coping mechanism must have been to keep busy non stop. Still busy as it's my sons wedding in 3 weeks but thats so scary emotionally if i allow myself to think. Also taking Dad to Scarborough for 4 days next week, he wants to see the spa orchestra - memories. I've yet to cope listening to classical music, switch it off as soon as i hear it after a lifetime of it. strength needed yet again please. Hit the hills with my faithful dog today and straight away am back to those dreadful last few days - feel so guilty - the state of her in the home. How do I move on, times passing but heartbreak isn't. Katherine xx
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Hi Katherine
5 months is such a short time when it comes to grief you know. It will get easier, you will start to feel better, you will recover but it takes time, there's no formula for this unfortunately, everyone recovers at their own rate, in their own time but just know, you will recover. keeping yourself busy has probably been your coping mechanism and now you've time to slow down, have time on your hands, time to reflect, is a scarey thing to contemplate but it may just be what you need to help you come to terms with your loss. Music is so emotive isn't it? I think we all have pieces we try and avoid listening to in public, I know when a group of us went to see Les Miserables in January most of us were in bits by the end, our row was littered with tissues but it was dark and nobody else noticed. There's no shame in crying when you need to xxxxxxxxxxxe
5 months is such a short time when it comes to grief you know. It will get easier, you will start to feel better, you will recover but it takes time, there's no formula for this unfortunately, everyone recovers at their own rate, in their own time but just know, you will recover. keeping yourself busy has probably been your coping mechanism and now you've time to slow down, have time on your hands, time to reflect, is a scarey thing to contemplate but it may just be what you need to help you come to terms with your loss. Music is so emotive isn't it? I think we all have pieces we try and avoid listening to in public, I know when a group of us went to see Les Miserables in January most of us were in bits by the end, our row was littered with tissues but it was dark and nobody else noticed. There's no shame in crying when you need to xxxxxxxxxxxe
Hello Katherine
I`m sure if there was an answer you`d have it by now. I only know 5 months is nothing.
Like you I try to switch off especially in public, when I feel emotionally vulnerable.
Our Grandson is in a production of Billy Elliot and we are attending every performance. There is a song Billy sings with his dead mother. `Love you forever`. I shut down when it`s on.
And I am not in mourning.
I`m sure if there was an answer you`d have it by now. I only know 5 months is nothing.
Like you I try to switch off especially in public, when I feel emotionally vulnerable.
Our Grandson is in a production of Billy Elliot and we are attending every performance. There is a song Billy sings with his dead mother. `Love you forever`. I shut down when it`s on.
And I am not in mourning.
I think moving on will come in its own time, don't put pressure on yourself or feel inadequate because it hasn't happened....early days. Easy for me to say I know, not so simple when you are going through it.
The classical music is difficult to face, do you know what they will be playing and can you listen to it beforehand? I find that if I have to cry in public places the best thing is to relax my throat as much as possible, make a real conscious effort, and let the tears flow unchecked, drawing no attention to it.
If it isn't the being in public that bothers you but the fact that you don't think you're emotionally ok to deal with the whole thing then could you get one of your sons to take their grandad to the concert?
with love Pippa xxx
The classical music is difficult to face, do you know what they will be playing and can you listen to it beforehand? I find that if I have to cry in public places the best thing is to relax my throat as much as possible, make a real conscious effort, and let the tears flow unchecked, drawing no attention to it.
If it isn't the being in public that bothers you but the fact that you don't think you're emotionally ok to deal with the whole thing then could you get one of your sons to take their grandad to the concert?
with love Pippa xxx
Hello Katherine,
It's 2 1/2 years since I lost my Mum. I remember so well the "keeping busy" and I dreaded the holidays when I did have time to let my thoughts wander. In hindsight, I do think you need this free time to free up all those thoughts and feelings and bewilderment that follow a death of a loved one. It can't be healthy to bury all those emotions can it? They have to be expressed somehow - even if you cry at classical music. I too had awful memories to deal with - every time I closed my eyes at night, I saw my Mum in those last few hours. I thought it would never fade.
Anyway, I'm here to tell you there are no shortcuts but those memories do fade, life does change, bereavement involves such a lot of "reorganisation" (both practically and emotionally) and you do laugh and smile again. I'm sure you did everything you possibly could for your Mum in the home and I'm sure she knew you loved her.
2 1/2 years down the line for me and still re-organising life after the carer years, but savouring the pleasures of having time to meet friends, get fit, learn the harp etc... all things my Mum would be so pleased I am doing, and that gives me warmth and comfort.
Dear Katherine, there is no shortcut, but you will feel better in time. Just go slowly and do what you want to do and take care xxx
It's 2 1/2 years since I lost my Mum. I remember so well the "keeping busy" and I dreaded the holidays when I did have time to let my thoughts wander. In hindsight, I do think you need this free time to free up all those thoughts and feelings and bewilderment that follow a death of a loved one. It can't be healthy to bury all those emotions can it? They have to be expressed somehow - even if you cry at classical music. I too had awful memories to deal with - every time I closed my eyes at night, I saw my Mum in those last few hours. I thought it would never fade.
Anyway, I'm here to tell you there are no shortcuts but those memories do fade, life does change, bereavement involves such a lot of "reorganisation" (both practically and emotionally) and you do laugh and smile again. I'm sure you did everything you possibly could for your Mum in the home and I'm sure she knew you loved her.
2 1/2 years down the line for me and still re-organising life after the carer years, but savouring the pleasures of having time to meet friends, get fit, learn the harp etc... all things my Mum would be so pleased I am doing, and that gives me warmth and comfort.
Dear Katherine, there is no shortcut, but you will feel better in time. Just go slowly and do what you want to do and take care xxx
How long is a piece of string..... the longest unanswered question
Loss of a parent, or parents is devastating and no one can be prepared as it takes us all by surprise eventhough if we were truthfull always has to be expected.
In my case Dad died Christmas 2004 and left Mum. Mum was so angry with him for leaving her as she had always been the disabled and poorly one. Until we discovered that Dad had Dementia, he had been fit, healthy and very strong, he lost more than half his weight throughout the two and a half years of the disease, to our knowledge that is!
I have a cartoon picture of when Dad was at work in which he was depicted as the Gorilla in the Jungle Book story, he ended up around 6 stone in weight when he passed.
During that time Mum kept me so busy as others have said, it is good to be busy. Unfortunately I didn't have any 'me' time to grieve. I had also lost a Grand daughter of 10 months a month prior to Dad's passing but my parents took all my time up. The lead up to Dad going into Care was very traumatic, as he too was a runner, and I had a full time job going and collecting him from either Marks and Spencers, The Bus Garage, or the Key Shop. I had put posters up in his favourite places which worked - staff in those areas would call me up. It saved getting the police involved. He was always trying to get home - he had lived with me for about a year before that fatefull day when I gave up. The disease had beaten us!
Mum survived without him another 30 months. I then went for berevment counselling which made me cry for what seemed a long time.
I'd started attending a healing centre after Dad passed and when we visited a few days after Mum's death I'd been talking about how did my partner know that his parents had found one another, they had died in 1984 and 2000. It was a big worry to me. He said ask the question, so in my mind I did and a message came through the medium which told me that Mum had found the person in her locket and they were holding the baby. That makes me cry even now but it answered my question and gave me peace.
I'm not saying this is the answer for everyone or anyone else but just my experience on how I have now been able to move on!
Take care, love and hugs to all who read this and remember, there are many good memories still to hold you together with your loved ones whether they are near or far.
Thank you too TP for giving people an opportuntiy to get help and gain the strength to carry on as it does I know seem a lonely road at first.
Loss of a parent, or parents is devastating and no one can be prepared as it takes us all by surprise eventhough if we were truthfull always has to be expected.
In my case Dad died Christmas 2004 and left Mum. Mum was so angry with him for leaving her as she had always been the disabled and poorly one. Until we discovered that Dad had Dementia, he had been fit, healthy and very strong, he lost more than half his weight throughout the two and a half years of the disease, to our knowledge that is!
I have a cartoon picture of when Dad was at work in which he was depicted as the Gorilla in the Jungle Book story, he ended up around 6 stone in weight when he passed.
During that time Mum kept me so busy as others have said, it is good to be busy. Unfortunately I didn't have any 'me' time to grieve. I had also lost a Grand daughter of 10 months a month prior to Dad's passing but my parents took all my time up. The lead up to Dad going into Care was very traumatic, as he too was a runner, and I had a full time job going and collecting him from either Marks and Spencers, The Bus Garage, or the Key Shop. I had put posters up in his favourite places which worked - staff in those areas would call me up. It saved getting the police involved. He was always trying to get home - he had lived with me for about a year before that fatefull day when I gave up. The disease had beaten us!
Mum survived without him another 30 months. I then went for berevment counselling which made me cry for what seemed a long time.
I'd started attending a healing centre after Dad passed and when we visited a few days after Mum's death I'd been talking about how did my partner know that his parents had found one another, they had died in 1984 and 2000. It was a big worry to me. He said ask the question, so in my mind I did and a message came through the medium which told me that Mum had found the person in her locket and they were holding the baby. That makes me cry even now but it answered my question and gave me peace.
I'm not saying this is the answer for everyone or anyone else but just my experience on how I have now been able to move on!
Take care, love and hugs to all who read this and remember, there are many good memories still to hold you together with your loved ones whether they are near or far.
Thank you too TP for giving people an opportuntiy to get help and gain the strength to carry on as it does I know seem a lonely road at first.
Thank you to you all. Am back from Scarborough in one piece, following your advice. Yes the tears flowed at the most unexpected moments and no one seemed to notice, didn't try to stop them but bit my lip till it nearly bled to prevent any sobs. A little hurdle achieved - still will avoid classical music if possible but i did manage when forced.
Next...............have just found out the first hymn at my sons wedding is the same as the first hymn at Mum's funeral - more coping strategies please???????????? I vaguely remember my son asking me about it a few months back and I bravely/foolishly said don't let it stop you choosing, I'll be fine. My emotions will be all over anyway and this block/fear over music is turning into a nightmare.
Katherine xx
Next...............have just found out the first hymn at my sons wedding is the same as the first hymn at Mum's funeral - more coping strategies please???????????? I vaguely remember my son asking me about it a few months back and I bravely/foolishly said don't let it stop you choosing, I'll be fine. My emotions will be all over anyway and this block/fear over music is turning into a nightmare.
Katherine xx
I am glad you got through the music, well done.
The hymn situation sounds like a nightmare, my first suggestion is don't even try to sing the hymn.
It doesnt matter if you cry, lots of people cry at weddings, but I know you would prefer not to, and it will mess up the make up. Best if you take your make up along with you and let your family know that you need some time in the vestry before the photos, I am sure the vicar would understand and be helpful.
I don't think this is just about crying though, I think it is about just how much can you bear, and I don't think about things too well at this time of night, so let me get back to you tomorrow, or rather, later today.
Love Pippa xx
The hymn situation sounds like a nightmare, my first suggestion is don't even try to sing the hymn.
It doesnt matter if you cry, lots of people cry at weddings, but I know you would prefer not to, and it will mess up the make up. Best if you take your make up along with you and let your family know that you need some time in the vestry before the photos, I am sure the vicar would understand and be helpful.
I don't think this is just about crying though, I think it is about just how much can you bear, and I don't think about things too well at this time of night, so let me get back to you tomorrow, or rather, later today.
Love Pippa xx
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