Putting Dad into care - i'm gutted

[23rdTurnoff]

Hi all,
I've posted here a few weeks ago about the practical and bureaucratic problems of getting help for my dad thru the NHS and social services, and got some helpful advice and support. Well, I finally seem to have got thru all that and it looks like he will be going into a care home this week. His psychiatrist has declared that he is vulnerable and needs EMI care. Problem now is that although he is 94 and has dementia, in his mind there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and he is managing fine. He sincerely believes that everything the social services and I are doing for him (cooking, shopping, laundry, cash etc) he is doing himself. I know he needs residential care, but he is sure to resist vigorously. My head is clear on this but my heart is having real problems. I am essentially imprisoning him, and, because i will have to lie to his face to get him in there, I feel I am betraying his trust in me. My other problem with it is that he seems far more alert and active than the other residents appear to be, and i feel it will seem to him like he's been imprisoned in a nightmare.
I know this is the only way to go, but my heart and guts feel shredded.
Anyone else been here?

 

[Grannie G]

I think most of us have been there somehow or other Turnoff but the question you have to ask yourself is , is your dad at risk? Would he come to harm if left to himself? The answer would surely be `yes` and for this reason, for his safety and well being, he needs 24/7 care .

You might be surprised how readily he will comply. Try not to discuss it with him for he will only become even more confused. Just tell him on the day. I told my husband he was going into a convalescent home to build up his strength.

It is a terrible decision and a heartbreaking situation but in most cases, the lesser of two evils.

 

[la lucia]

Hi

yes, you will find so many people on this site have been there - first there is the shock of what happens to your own family, and then there is the shock of discovering that there are literally thousands of people going through this.

My Dad is 89 and has gone downhill fast. He is in hospital right now and me and my 91 year old mum are struggling to find a Care Home place for him that we feel happy with. It is such a steep learning curve. My Dad doesn't know that we are looking for a Care Home and when the time comes to move him I know he will go mad and seriously play up. We are terrified that this will mean that the 'good ones' will find him 'too challenging'. It is a practical and emotional minefield. My dad has Vascular Dementia and probably Frontal Lobe Disease; two of the types of Dementia that fuel ' bad behaviour'. He was quite 'civilised' until recently but now he gives people hell by shouting and swearing at them.

Although he is pretty 'far gone' he still figures it out sometimes. Last night my mum and I were visiting in the hospital and she was trying to calm him down so he didn't disturb the other patients too much. She said something about just wanting to get him 'better' and he muttered "balls....." under his breath. We had to laugh and then he grinned at us.

I think you just have to know that our relatives do need 'expert' help and it does seem to get a bit better once they are settled somewhere. We have been looking at Homes and some of them have been grim and awful. Yesterday, I found an amazing one it was not only beautiful but the atmosphere in the Home was really relaxed and friendly and well, 'homely'. Sadly I do not know if they will take my Dad and if they take him for a 'try out' I can guarantee he will 'act up'.

He was such a military 'macho man' in the past and I know he would hate the idea of a Home. He used to sing grim little songs about 'escaping in a box' which in black humour style he used to think was funny. I have felt terrible about all of this but at the end of the day it is what is needed. I think it tears all your emotions in every direction but please do not feel guilty. You are doing your best.

Mum and I have just decided that for his last bit of time on planet earth we just want him to be as comfortable as possible.

I give thanks for this site - you really are not alone even if you feel like that...........

I do understand I am sure that many here will.

 

[Jancis]

Hi 23rdT,
La lucia is so right.
I too know exactly how you feel although I didn't need to make the decision about an EMI care home for my relative who lives miles away from me. He became so ill that social services stepped in and he really did believe he was in prison. "Grim" was a word that sounds quite tolerable compared to the place he found himself in. He is now in a much better place and he thinks he's in a guest house. Not that it's a posh 'hotel' style home, but the atmosphere is full of genial hospitality and the care is second to none. He didn't understand what happened to him and until recently he just wanted to go back home and resume his life but is now much more 'settled' and actually agrees that he cannot do the things he used to do. There are days when he is depressed and days when he is remarkably bright. He behaviour was very challenging when he was in his 'prison' frame of mind but now he is so much better.

I hope things will work out for your dad and you find a home that will suit him, it's such a difficult time.

 

[grobertson62]

Hi

my dad is only 79 so quite young compared to yours.

I know that my dad never wanted to be in a nursing home & I had promised to do what ever I could to make sure that didn't happen

A promise I have not been able to keep. So I understand the guilt for doing this, for going behind his back & chosing a home.

I am learning to understand that this is the best place for my dad, he will have a better quality of life albeit different

I hope you get sorted with a nice place & try not to beat yourself up over this

Gill

 

[23rdTurnoff]

Thanks to my 3 responders - I guess I knew basically what you were going to say
but its good to hear. Like I said, my head knows this is the best thing for both of us. I think he could probably survive on his own a little longer with some support but I have looked at 3 care homes and not been very happy with the 1st 2. When i looked at the third i was really impressed - lovely big room, ensuite, no topup fees and a VACANCY!! I knew i had to act now or regret it later. So I have. Unfortunately all the other residents looked rather more far-gone than he is, so i'm sure it will be frightening for him. Hopefully he can make friends with the staff who seem fine.
If only people lost thier emotions as fast as thier memory it would be a lot easier....

 

[sue38]

I have merged your 2 threads so that all the replies are in the same place.

I have been where you are now, and yes it does feel like a betrayal of trust, but to leave your dad at risk might be a greater betrayal.

I'm glad you have found a home you are happy with.

 

[23rdTurnoff]

I have merged your 2 threads so that all the replies are in the same place.

I have been where you are now, and yes it does feel like a betrayal of trust, but to leave your dad at risk might be a greater betrayal.

I'm glad you have found a home you are happy with.

Thanks sue
still getting the hang of this......

 

[sueagain]

Just came late into this thread to agree with all the other posts. My Mum has just gone into care after two hospital visits. We have been through many of the experiences that you highlighted.

I've found that there are some staff who are particularly good at helping me to understand what is happening as she settles in so once you find out who those are you should make sure you keep up the dialogue with them on what you can do to help your father settle in.

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Turnoff,

I, too, can empathise with the emotions you feel.

Mum has been in her home now for almost 7 weeks. I posted a thread on here in absolute anguish, feeling I'd betrayed her because we had to do it all 'cloak and dagger.' I'm sure she knew something was coming because my brother was stressed and she was picking up on his 'vibes.'

For a short time she was unsettled. She did a few things which made life difficult for her carers but lately she has seemed more settled.

We still get the occasional, 'You won't leave me, will you?' and my sister get asked if she has come to take her home. But mostly she's in that foggy 'other place' where she is happy and contented.

As long as she has food and a ciggy she's happy. I blamed myself for everything, even the fact that she 'didn't have chance to say goodbye to the house.' That sounds ridiculous now, but it shows the state of mind I was in when we took her to the home.

Now she is cared for 24/7, has lots of people to watch, good food, a ciggy when she remembers to ask for one, she is clean and has her hair done every week. She has better care than I could possibly have provided.

It's not what she or I wanted but it is the very best I could have done. She'd have been in danger if I'd left her even another day at home.

It wasn't an easy option. It's the worst thing I've ever had to do in my entire life.

But I wouldn't have done her a kindness if I'd left her in danger at home.

Please keep posting on here. You'll find others have been through this and their empathy is wonderful. I don't know how I'd have survived without them.

hugs,

Maggie

 

[ellejay]

Hi,
My mum has been in her CH for just over 3mths.

She is settling,sometimes says they are very good to her there (thats when she's not saying she hasn't had a cup of tea for weeks and they never give her food

There are people there who are worse than mum, but sometimes I think because we are used to how she is, we don't see her as "outsiders" do.

Mum doesn't seem bothered by the differences in behaviour, she doesn't mix much because "they are all old" (mums 89 !)

I do feel guilty, but I know she is safe and no longer lonely and afraid.

Hope you feel better about it all soon,
Lin x

 

[Loopiloo]

Unfortunately all the other residents looked rather more far-gone than he is, so i'm sure it will be frightening for him. Hopefully he can make friends with the staff who seem fine.
If only people lost thier emotions as fast as thier memory it would be a lot easier....

Hello, in my case it is my husband who went into a care home 6 weeks ago. I was concerned about most of the residents in his wing being more far-gone than he is, and few of them talk to each other. However he is not frightened, more puzzled at times or bewildered, by them. But honestly not bothered about it.

He does enjoy people watching, and he also enjoys the chats with the staff. As you say, hopefully your father will make friends with the staff, and not have the awareness we have concerning the dementia residents.

You do get used to them and to know the different personalities. It is nice to see their blank eyes suddenly smile when you greet them by their name when you go in and out. Or pass a few words with those who can respond a little.

But I do agree, if only we could not lose, but switch off our emotions. Like many others here, it tears me apart to have my husband in care, but.....

Good luck
Loopiloo (Loo)

 

[JPG1]

You are not ‘putting’ Dad into care - - - Dad is moving into care for his own safety and because of his own care needs, and otherwise he may be more ‘at risk’ than he is now.

Your heart and guts will continue to feel shredded for a long while – mine are, that’s for sure – but find another way of thinking about it. You aren’t “putting” Dad into care – you are trying to find the best care for him so that he can then move forwards.

Then if you go along that route of thinking, the well-known-on-this-forum Guilt Monster will not arrive and land on your shoulders.

So dump the guilt monster before it arrives via the forum.

If your Dad needs care of the kind that can only be provided in a care home, you have no need to feel that you are in any way responsible for ‘putting’ Dad into care.

La Lucia said it all perfectly. It is a very steep learning curve.

So I hope that your own curve goes fairly smoothly, without bumps and humps. It happens sometimes. It happens that some people don’t need to encounter the bumps and humps of care, so may I hope that your path will be smooth from now on.

 

[CathT]

This thread is such a comfort as I am going through the same process with my poor mum who has been in an assessment unit for 5 months. We were hoping that she may return home but both her mental and physical health have declined considerably over recent weeks and my dad would not be able to cope with her care requirements. Today I feel totally deflated after visiting a number of care homes, ranging from a swish hotel type establishment which didn't seem interested in taking my mum on to dilapidated soul destroying place which made me feel sick to the core. I was shown a bathroom in one place which resembled a medieval torture chamber, the chap that showed me round must have picked up on my horror and apologised for the spartan appearance explaining that residents would bring their own toiletries when getting bathed. This horrified me even more when I realised that on top of the £600 pw fees I would have to pay extra for mums soap and shampoo! I was further depressed when I asked about staffing ratios to be told 3 staff (only 1 qualified) to 17 residents. Incidentally none of these 'homes' had vacancies and I feel totally drained, demoralised and afraid of what the future presents for my poor mum. I feel I have totally let her down and find it so difficult to accept that she will end her days in such a sad place at such terrible expense. This time last year she was happily pottering around her own home and now has no liberty at all. It is however encouraging to hear that others have had more positive experiences and I can only hope that we find a decent caring place for my mum in the near future.

 

[sue38]

Cath, I'm sorry you have found the search for a care home so demoralising. Although bathrooms that look like a torture chamber are a definite no-no, some of the swishest of care homes can lack that essential element - care.

If I were looking for a place for myself I would be looking for quite a high standard of comfort - nice furnishings and flat screen TV's. But my dad wouldn't have noticed any of these things. For him the best thing was the caring attitude of the staff, and we came to realise that no amount of swags and tails could beat that.

Good luck in your search.

 

[Goingitalone]

Hey, Cath,

It could be me talking when I read your thread. I was madly looking round homes trying to find something suitable for Mum. I found one I was almost happy with, the only downside being that she would have to go outside for a ciggy.

Then we had a reassessment from the social worker. He could see how hard I'd worked to get the right care at home for Mum. He told me exactly how things are in our area. And, bless him, he came up with a lovely, caring LA home which admittedly is a fair treck away on public transport. But it ticks ALL the boxes. Even a smoking room!

So please don't give up. I looked at some horrendous homes, too, that I wouldn't leave a dog in.

I'm still pinching myself. There ARE good homes out there. I hope you find one.

Big hugs,

Maggie

 

[willsar]

Hi 23rd Turnoff

My heart goes out to you. My husband went into care on Friday it has been the most awful time and I completely understand how you are feeling. My husband truly believes he has nothing wrong either, since going into the home he has been having huge problems. My only advise to you is know you are doing the right thing for your dad and that there comes a time that we have to make the choices of what is right for them. I know how gutted you feel, but all the wise words of the other responders will help you with time, I wish you well. Take care.