Mum fell at home on Sunday: clear now there is no going back to her own home. We are taking her to a (fantastic) CH tomorrow (she went today saying it was a nice hotel, but didn't want to stay there). I am in pieces ... I know in the greater scheme of things it's best for her (and indeed for her children's sanity), but I can't get away from her face (today) saying to me "are you taking me home now?" (and that was from my sister's house, where she is well cared for). I can't stop crying, am dreading tomorrow (even though CH is only 10 mins away): PLEASE, someone help me get through the next 24 hours...
Please help: anyone
- Thread starter beena
- Start date
I wish I could help you just by saying it will all be ok, but I can only offer you a virtual hug and say I understand.
Love Pippa
Love Pippa
Sending you strength and a hug. Hoping you feel more positive soon, it's so hard I know. Katherine x
Take some deep breaths and tell yourself you are doing your best for her. I have been in similar situations with mum and I think things will settle down. You are in a terrible spot right now and it is very normal to feel as you do. Sending you a hug xx
Hiya Beena,
It will be ok. It is alright to be in pieces, you are grieving for a piece of life that you are having to let go of, and your reaction is normal. You know that you are making the right choice, though it is crucifying you tonight.
Two ways of coping.....keep busy, clean cupboards and windows....or have a nice hot bath and go to bed and hope sleep takes over....and third way, keep talking on here
Love Amy
It will be ok. It is alright to be in pieces, you are grieving for a piece of life that you are having to let go of, and your reaction is normal. You know that you are making the right choice, though it is crucifying you tonight.
Two ways of coping.....keep busy, clean cupboards and windows....or have a nice hot bath and go to bed and hope sleep takes over....and third way, keep talking on here
Love Amy
Hi Beena,
As someone who will be in the same place soon, you have my deepest empathy.
You are doing what is best for your Mum, no-one else. Sometimes we have to grit our teeth and carry on for the sake of those who just can't make the right decision for themself.
You know she will be in danger if you leave her at home. What else can you do?
You're between that 'rock and hard place.'
I feel for you. I really hope you can get some sleep. You need it to stay in focus.
I'm praying she will settle and be happy and enjoy a wonderful old age. All our mums deserve that.
All the very best,
Maggie
As someone who will be in the same place soon, you have my deepest empathy.
You are doing what is best for your Mum, no-one else. Sometimes we have to grit our teeth and carry on for the sake of those who just can't make the right decision for themself.
You know she will be in danger if you leave her at home. What else can you do?
You're between that 'rock and hard place.'
I feel for you. I really hope you can get some sleep. You need it to stay in focus.
I'm praying she will settle and be happy and enjoy a wonderful old age. All our mums deserve that.
All the very best,
Maggie
Beena, this is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, and if you want honesty, i will tell you straight, i found it traumatising. I was so engulfed by the crippling guilt at putting my dad in care it was so painfull and i mean i actually did feel pain. However, its the thought rather than the deed that consumes us, and you need to summon all the courage you have to follow it through. You will cry, and cry and cry some more, which in a way is good, because its a release. The next 24 hours you will feel guilty,sad,helpless,hopeless,bewildered,confused every emotion possible, anyone whos done it goes through the same. You have to stay strong, be brave but if you crumble, not a problem, its a completely natural reaction. You wont think it now but you are doing the best thing for your mum in the long run and with time, when shes settled, and you're a lot calmer you'll begin to accept it. Its just getting over that first hurdle. You'll need the strentgh of goliath tomorrow and somehow, amazingly, you'll find that courage believe me. Theres lots of support here at TP so keep talking ,and lean on our virtual shoulders when you need to. I hope it all goes smoothly. Let us know how you get on.Take care x
Thank you all for your replies so far: wonder I can type anything as my whole being is shaking so much (sorry, over the top emotionally: just how things are right now).
Amy: will do the bath thing; hopefully will work ... cupboards not my thing...
Would be great to have some sleep: currently 3 hours a night average: so upset...can't express my fear and dread over tomorrow day and particularly evening, thinking of Mum in a strange place, not her home, how upset she will be, how she will be waiting for us to take her home... Tears coming again, going now...
Amy: will do the bath thing; hopefully will work ... cupboards not my thing...
Would be great to have some sleep: currently 3 hours a night average: so upset...can't express my fear and dread over tomorrow day and particularly evening, thinking of Mum in a strange place, not her home, how upset she will be, how she will be waiting for us to take her home... Tears coming again, going now...
Beena my family and I had to trick my mum into going into CH. We knew she would never go voluntarily so we literally had to lie and tell her that she was going to visit. Then we were told to leave her so that they could try and get her settled.
It was the most awful thing we ever had to do. I kept thinking it was like a childs first day at school when sometimes they are unhappy and cling to their mums so that they are not left. Yet in this case you were doing it to someone who could never be taken home again. I promise you will get through it, and you must remember that you are doing it for her so that she is safe and cared for. I love my mum more than anything but we knew we could not care for her at home any longer. It was taking its tole on myself and my family and our health was starting to suffer.
Take a day at a time, deep breaths and it will get better.
M
It was the most awful thing we ever had to do. I kept thinking it was like a childs first day at school when sometimes they are unhappy and cling to their mums so that they are not left. Yet in this case you were doing it to someone who could never be taken home again. I promise you will get through it, and you must remember that you are doing it for her so that she is safe and cared for. I love my mum more than anything but we knew we could not care for her at home any longer. It was taking its tole on myself and my family and our health was starting to suffer.
Take a day at a time, deep breaths and it will get better.
M
Hi Beena
My heart goes out to you tonight as only 4 weeks ago i was in the same position with my mum.Its a very emotional time and i think its the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my life. All i can say to you is you will get through it and your mum will be ok
Try and get a good nights sleep you will need all your strenght tomorrow.
Love and Hugs to you
Shauna
My heart goes out to you tonight as only 4 weeks ago i was in the same position with my mum.Its a very emotional time and i think its the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my life. All i can say to you is you will get through it and your mum will be ok
Try and get a good nights sleep you will need all your strenght tomorrow.
Love and Hugs to you
Shauna
stay with how you feel
You feel how you feel - and it is OK to feel whatever you feel - and it will pass.
I can still remember the day we took my mother to the care home she spent the rest of her life in. IT was a hard decision. I hated myself that day, felt I had failed her and condemned her to a life she did not want. But it was the right thing for her, and for me and the rest of my family. She did not like it at first, but in time she found love and warmth from staff and other residents, and I got support from staff too.
We all do the best we can with the resources we have and it is OK for your mother to be somewhere new (even if she does think it is a hotel), and for you to continue loving her and visiting her. One thing I learned from all this is that there does come a point when caring means allowing your loved one to be looked after by professionals, and you take time to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF so that you can continue to love this person.
If when you visit she asks about going home - I used to say to my Mum "I will take you home when you are ready, let's talk about that next time I visit" - and she would be happy with that and her mind would go somewhere else....
You feel how you feel - and it is OK to feel whatever you feel - and it will pass.
I can still remember the day we took my mother to the care home she spent the rest of her life in. IT was a hard decision. I hated myself that day, felt I had failed her and condemned her to a life she did not want. But it was the right thing for her, and for me and the rest of my family. She did not like it at first, but in time she found love and warmth from staff and other residents, and I got support from staff too.
We all do the best we can with the resources we have and it is OK for your mother to be somewhere new (even if she does think it is a hotel), and for you to continue loving her and visiting her. One thing I learned from all this is that there does come a point when caring means allowing your loved one to be looked after by professionals, and you take time to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF so that you can continue to love this person.
If when you visit she asks about going home - I used to say to my Mum "I will take you home when you are ready, let's talk about that next time I visit" - and she would be happy with that and her mind would go somewhere else....
Help me
Hello Beena
You already know you are doing the right thing not only for your mum but the family as well! It hurts you so much because you care
I was in a similar situation with my Husband some months ago, he has settled in quite well but I know how you feel cause I was crying alot and still do some days. We are here for you on Tp hope that you get through the next few days Love & hugs Jackie x x x
Hello Beena
You already know you are doing the right thing not only for your mum but the family as well! It hurts you so much because you care
I was in a similar situation with my Husband some months ago, he has settled in quite well but I know how you feel cause I was crying alot and still do some days. We are here for you on Tp hope that you get through the next few days Love & hugs Jackie x x x
Thinking of you today, sending you love and am going to be checking back to see how you are tonight,
Pippa x
Pippa x
Hello Beena
thinking of you today
as someone whose dad was recently placed in a nursing home I truly get how you must be feeling,
you wouldn't feel this bad if you did not care!
in your head you know that it is the right thing to do, but the heart takes some time to catch up
even now 2 months on I still feel bad for having to do this for dad as he had previously made me promise I would not do that
I hope things go well to day, will be thinking of you & your family
Gill
thinking of you today
as someone whose dad was recently placed in a nursing home I truly get how you must be feeling,
you wouldn't feel this bad if you did not care!
in your head you know that it is the right thing to do, but the heart takes some time to catch up
even now 2 months on I still feel bad for having to do this for dad as he had previously made me promise I would not do that
I hope things go well to day, will be thinking of you & your family
Gill
