My dad has met a new woman...

[rosie35]

Hi All,

Wondering if you could tell me your thoughts on this as I'm a tad "confused!" Don't really know how I feel!

A bit of background - My dad has been looking after my Mum(who is 65)for the past 5 yrs. She has alzheimers and is in the late mid-stage I would say. Cannot do a lot for herself except feed with assistance and walk short distances. We haven't been able to have a conversation with her for over 3yrs.

During the past yr or so my dad has been meeting up with a woman he used to work with over 15yrs ago. They've stayed in touch as every couple of yrs all his old work colleagues and their sposes have all been out. Her husband died Jan 2010. They only see eachother every couple of weeks max as she works 6 days a week and is half an hr away by car. I look after my mum for a whole day once a month and a sat eve in general.

Anyway my mum went into respite in March for 3 nites. The next time in June is for slightly longer and he is going to Devon with this woman! My dad wanted to check I was ok about it so I asked half jokeingly as it was single rooms. He looked a bit embarrased and smiled ... So I knew they were staying together. He said he is not abandoning mum and would never.

I know this woman has worried what I will think.

He does do a really good job looking after mum. I understand their marriage is dead and he was the one that wanted to do lots of travelling when they retired. He is only 65 so is not old!

When I looked after my mum on Sat, I was on his laptop as usual and i went into his favourites for something I saved on their previously, and their was the shock of my life, an underwear webiste saved! It was a very nice and tasteful chemise!! It's not my B-day coming up! LOL!

I'm not sure but I sensed a couple of yrs before she got diagnosed they were not getting on, but that could have been the tension to the alzheimers coming. I think I honestly feel ok about it but it's a bit weird. Should I feel ok about it??!

 

[sussexsue]

Should you feel OK about it ? No, of course not, you want your mum and dad to be as close to the couple they were before the illness crept up on them.

However, how you feel and what your head says may well be two different things. Much as I personally would hate it, logically if your dad is still looking after your mum really well and has someone making his life more enjoyable as well, and of course someone to share things with, then maybe it is the best thing for him.

There are probably no rights or wrongs here, but as long as your mum is being cared for then I think you should probably support your dad in his new relationship, but be honest with him and say how hard you are finding it. At present he is keeping this relationship reasonably discrete and I suspect that is how you would like it to stay - tell him this.

Long term it may well be to your benefit knowing that there is someone else for him.

(((hug)))

 

[jenniferpa]

I think one can over analyze these things. It strikes me that you and your father have a pretty good relationship, all things considered. He looks after your mother well, and I suspect that having more support can only be a good thing. This is someone he has known for many years, so you don't have to worry it's a flash in the pan.

I can imagine you are shocked, that's understandable. But I think your "Ok" reaction is OK too.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hi Rosie,

It can be a disconcerting thing to find out but since your father takes excellent care of your mother, I think it's touching that he has found someone to spend some time with.

It is okay to feel okay about it. Other people may be distressed or shocked but it's your father and your relationship with him that counts. Your father is still relatively young and will have many years ahead of him. Don't worry about what others may think - no matter what we say or do, people (small-minded ones, IMO) will always have something to say. We just need to get on with our lives and make the best of it. As my father used to say, life is good.

 

[ellejay]

Hi Rosie,
I think it must be nice for your dad to feel like the man he was B.D, and not the carer he has become since.

He sounds like a good man who looks after your mum well (and if they were growing apart before her illness, even more to be commended)
These meetings and outings could help him stay more relaxed and able to cope.

You're bound to feel a bit awkward,but your dad is being open with you about this (which must be quite difficult for him.)

Good Luck to you all. Lin x

 

[cragmaid]

Does this lady make your dad happy?...Yes.
Does her being on the scene make him care less about looking after you mum?...No.
Yes, I know the words they said announced they would love, honour and obey/cherish in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others etc., however, not everyone is strong enough to say No. I cannot condemn him, I neither know him nor do I live his life, so I would say that unless what he does has an adverse impact on his family, then it is entirely his choice to make.

 

[chucky]

Hi Rosie, i think your dad has been very brave telling you the truth. He could have lied and said he was going away with a male friend. He has considered your feelings and shown his respect for you by telling you first before he went away. He has cared for your mum for 5 years and has said he will continue to do so, i think a little "me" time will be good for him whether hes with a female or not. If anyone else doesnt like it too bad, he has been honest and upfront with you and if youre ok with it, its all he needs to hear. x

 

[Bastan]

Dear Rosie,

We feel what we feel, there is no right or wrong way to feel only different ways. Some people will be horrified and some accepting. It's what works for your family that matters, other people can give you their opinion, but at the end of the day that's all it is, 'an opinion'.

I'm 56yrs old and my husband(60) is living in an independent hospital for dementia sufferers with challenging behaviour. I haven't met anybody but my daughters have told me that they don't expect me to stay on my own for the rest of my life. However they have made it plain that anyone new is not getting their inheritance!!! lol.

My husband and I were having terrible problems before diagnosis and I had seriously thought of leaving him. So it does not surprise me that you suspected all was not well between your mum and dad. It can be a very hard time in a marriage and apparently it is quite a common occurrence for couples to contemplate parting.

We only live this life once, and I believe we all need a little happiness. I hope things work out well for all of you.

love Bastan xx

 

[Amy]

hiya Rosie,

I suspect that you have mixed emotions...wanting your dad to know some happiness in his life....but not wanting to feel your mum is being pushed aside.

I think that your dad has shown respect for you and your feelings by seeking your opinion....I think he needs your 'permission'...I think it is important that you and your dad keep communicating, because you may find it difficult at times if his friendship develops, and you need to be able to talk with one another.

Feel ok....it is better for all of you than the alternative.

Love Amy

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Rosie

I would feel pleased for your dad. He has a life to live to, and it sounds like he has been given a second chance at happiness. He is not abandoning his wife at all, he is doing the right thing by her. You might feel like he is betraying your mum, but the opportunity for a life for him doesn't come planned. And would you have him turn it down? I think not.

Be pleased for him, and hopefully his new woman will support him in whatever he needs to do for your mother. Well she must do. Otherwise, I'd send her back down the chute. I hope it all goes okay for you.

Love

Margaret

 

[seaurchin]

Hi Rosie,

It is terribly lonely when your life partner develops dementia. You can have friends and family around you, and whom you love dearly too, but the loneliness is still always there. For me it is the one of the hardest parts of this journey.

It will be strange for you but I am sure your Mum will always be your Dad's No 1 no matter what. Companionship will probably give your Dad great comfort. I wish you all the very best.

Kind regards,

Helen

 

[xanadu777]

Support your Dad and for so long as he looks after Mom as well as possible then he deserves your support. Loneliness as your spouse increasingly inhabits their parallel universe with less and less room for you is a debilitating process and if support and a degree of happiness can be found in friendship with another then that must be good.