feeling guilty and not really knowing how to cope.

[hopefulasever]

Hi,
No one I've spoken to in person seems to understand at all as they're not going through anything remotely like this, so thought I'd give it a go writing on here.
My mum has been diagnosed as having post cortical atrophy (though refuses somewhat to accept this and is seeking a second opinion from a different hospital) and I can't seem to control myself from snapping at her anytime she does anything that reminds me that she's facing this condition. I feel terrible after doing it but I can't seem to stop, I just want my mum to be capable and healthy again and then any sign I'm given to remind me that she's not makes me angry. She doesn't deserve my behaviour at all and I just don't know what to do.
I'm only nineteen and currently on a gap year (which I took as I was worried about my mum's memory before she had been diagnosed this february) and she really wants me to go off and enjoy my self at university come september but I can't stand the thought of leaving her. My parents got divorced years ago and she's kind of secluded herself from her friends so I just hate the idea of her being all alone at home with no one to help. I know that my dad will go and see her and that I can come home during term time every so often, but I don't know if I'd be able to hack being away from my mum when I know, no matter what she says, that she needs me.
I'm getting angrier and angrier with my friends (although not to their knowledge) as none of them even so much as ask me if things are ok because they don't know how to handle it. Sometimes when they talk to me about their problems I want to scream at them because they don't realise how lucky they are.
I overheard my mum say to my great aunt yesterday that the consultants at the hospital said she only has four years to live - I got even angrier about this because she hadn't told me even though she's known this for months. She's the only person I trust in the world and the fact that she's keeping these things from me hurts me more than anything.
Since finding this out I can't seem to stop thinking about all the things she won't be for, when I get married, when I have children. I need my mum more than anything, we've been through so much already together and the idea of her not being in my life absolutely devastates me.
I just don't know what to do or how to cope other than shut myself off from everyone, so any help or advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[nimbus11]

Hi

I am in a totally different situation to you so can only give you a bit of older woman advice, I think you should go and see your doctor, you need to have some advice on how to cope with the situation and your feelings (which by the way sound perfectly normal in the circumstances to me) what is happening is a mind **** for anyone - multiply that by your age and your mum being single and you have an awful lot on your plate. You also need to speak to your dad and relatives and tell them how you are feeling, also tell your friends about whats happening - you need to broach it with them because they are probably worrying about you being more upset.

Take care

xx

 

[pamelaj]

Hello

I am so sorry that you are going through this at such a young age. I am not surprised you are angry.

I am 62 and brought my son up on my own after a divorce. When my son was 25 I had a big health scare and my first thought was about my son and how he would cope without me. I decided to be really open with him and tell him exactly what was going on. I had never seen him cry as an adult before but it made us closer.

Talk to your mum and be honest about how you feel. She probably wants to talk to you and not keep secrets but remember this is a new situation for her and she is handling it in the best way she can.

I would think your mum really does want you to go uni. Think of the excited phone calls you could give her and all the news you will have and the new people you will meet and be able to tell her about. She will look forward to those calls and your visits.

Have you talked to your GP about how you feel.

 

[Tolkny]

I just don't know what to do or how to cope other than shut myself off from everyone, so any help or advice would be greatly appreciated

Rather than this being a message of despair as it might feel to hopefulasever, there is much practical and positive sense expressed in what she has shared with us in the opening post.

One cannot begin to improve a situation by ignoring it, and what has been done is an exploration of the situation and a sharing of the pain and difficulties.

Those of us who have coped at close hand with another's dementia know how frustrating it can all seem and how hard it is to explain those frustrations, particularly because Dementia is a 'hidden condition' at least in the earlier stages.

Maybe a good idea to take this to the next step and begin to formulate a plan that might be best for all concerned is to do some direct talking and listening to the responses from people who will really have some ideas and can help find possible strategies for the future.

I wonder whether a call to the Alzheimer Society Telephone helpline might move things on a bit further and give more information that can contribute to developing a clearer plan of action or some alternatives.

Well done for posting.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/helpline

 

[hopefulasever]

Hi

I am in a totally different situation to you so can only give you a bit of older woman advice, I think you should go and see your doctor, you need to have some advice on how to cope with the situation and your feelings (which by the way sound perfectly normal in the circumstances to me) what is happening is a mind **** for anyone - multiply that by your age and your mum being single and you have an awful lot on your plate. You also need to speak to your dad and relatives and tell them how you are feeling, also tell your friends about whats happening - you need to broach it with them because they are probably worrying about you being more upset.

Take care

xx

Thanks for the advice

 

[hopefulasever]

Hello

I am so sorry that you are going through this at such a young age. I am not surprised you are angry.

I am 62 and brought my son up on my own after a divorce. When my son was 25 I had a big health scare and my first thought was about my son and how he would cope without me. I decided to be really open with him and tell him exactly what was going on. I had never seen him cry as an adult before but it made us closer.

Talk to your mum and be honest about how you feel. She probably wants to talk to you and not keep secrets but remember this is a new situation for her and she is handling it in the best way she can.

I would think your mum really does want you to go uni. Think of the excited phone calls you could give her and all the news you will have and the new people you will meet and be able to tell her about. She will look forward to those calls and your visits.

Have you talked to your GP about how you feel.

Thanks for the advice. I'm just worried that if I talk to her about how I feel I'll end up crying and I've always been the strong one. She has been depressed before when I was a lot younger (and is again) and so I've always been the one to keep it together.. I don't want her to feel guilty because she thinks she's inflicting this on me

 

[petal3333]

I do understand....

It's important to realise you are not alone in this.I also brought up my son and daughter alone after my divorce and realise how much more your mum means to you than maybe some children.It makes parents and offspring much closer.
I feel very sorry for u and can relate to your anger as i sometimes have the same frustrations when looking after my mother but i am 52 and not a teenager like you.
You could contact social services who may provide a carer to visit up to four times a day while you are at college which would take away alot of your worry.
There may be a carer's course you could do which i found invaluable with people understanding exactly how you feel and giving you some insight into your mum's illness.
It is so important for your mum and all involved family members to sit down together and try to talk about everything together, so you all know what is going on and so that you don't feel excluded(you are an adult).
It is important to try to work as a team and for your mum to try to have some control over her care package and how she wants to live her life.
It takes time to come to terms with something like this and you need to contact as many people as you can who can all offer support.I have found that if you ask for it, there is alot of help available.THe Princess Royal Trust for Carers,Tel.08448004361 for example.
Don't be afraid of your feelings.They are normal, but try not too show them to your mum.It will confuse her more.It is really important to be as calm as possible when you are with her, and you will find your time together can then be more enjoyable and relaxed.Find a listening service or even the samaritans who you can vent your feelings to confidentially.Samaritans;Tel.08457909090
Ultimately, the responsibility should not be on your shoulders.I am sure your mum wants you to go to uni and live and enjoy your life.As you say your Dad visits, let him know how you feel.If this is difficult, write him a letter.I am sure he wants you to complete your education and really should be taking this responsibility from you.
I hope you find excellent help out there.Good Luck.You're not alone and keep positive!