How do we get dad into a care home?

[AJG]

Hi, with my mum having undergone two years of treatment for breast cancer and my dad getting progressively worse with his dementia, we're starting to think about care homes. Problem is, dad still enjoys days out with his carers and the biggest problem for us has been his increasingly aggressive and anxious behaviour when alone with mum,particularly late at night. However, as I said, he still enjoys going out and meeting people, not sure he'd fit into a dementia unit yet so thinking of a care home where he can start in the 'normal' part. How have people managed to get their loved ones to accept going into a home? Have people tried respite care to introduce them or does this just make it worse? We also thought about telling him it's a hotel?!! Any ideas/experience to share gratefully received. Best wishes, AJG

 

[Margaret79]

Hi AJG and welcome to TP. I have no personal experience but am sure someone will be along soon.

Best Wishes, Margaret

 

[Plumrose]

Hi, It is a very difficult situation that you are in, if you can get the support of other family members and professionals such as the Doctor or Social Worker to help discuss it with him, it will help. My Mother had to go to a rehabilitation centre when she broke her knee, she thought it was a nursing home and gave me hell for quite a while, eventually she settled and has since told me she was happy when she was there. I doubt he will settle straight away so I think your idea or a 'respite' period now and again is a good idea. Lying to him I not so sure - you know him best! I remember hearing about a book on how to deal with this situation I think it was called something like ' caring for elderly parents' - I wish I had paint more attention at the time.
I do feel for you - good luck.

 

[chucky]

Hi I tried my dad with a weeks respite first and i didnt tell him in advance. We took him to the home and luckily when he entered he wandered off and i spoke to the manager handed over his case and walked out. I never felt so guilty in all my life and i cried for a solid 22 hours. It was by far the most traumatic thing ive ever done. I stayed away for the whole week and didnt visit although other family members did. He was not in the slightest bit bothered and happily got on with it. When he came home he never mentioned it. Having done that and thinking it would be plain sailing putting him into care permanently i went ahead and looked for places. Again he was never told and i did it all behind his back without his knowledge. What i wasnt prepared for was the guilt i felt knowing this was it and he would never come home it was crippling at times and i was an emotional wreck. Nevertheless after a very difficult 2.5 years dealing with the guilt i finally accepted that he was where he needed to be. My dads been in care now for 3 years and wild horses wouldnt drag him out the place. I still get upset sometimes but i dont cry and fret the way i did. He seems happy within himself and when i ask do you like it here he says yes. Dont get me wrong there were troubles at the start while he settled in and many a night i wanted to go to the home at 2am and bring him home. Some people think its not right to do it behind his back but it was right for me and thats all that matters. I know hes safe,well fed, comfortable and reasonably happy. I have had problems with the CH tho and its not always plain sailing there have been a few incidents but in the main its ok. Its entirely up to you and your family how you deal with it, but be prepared for much soul searching because its the hardest thing you'll ever have to do and you need to be 100% sure whichever way you go about it. i wish you well xx

 

[Tolkny]

Any ideas/experience to share gratefully received.

We thought that Residential Care beckoned but we were advised to try a day Centre first.

It was resisted and is now enjoyed and has extended living independently another 3 or so years.

It may not last much longer now, Mum in Law will be 90 next month.

The Social Services Community Care Assessment of her and us as carers brought forward ideas as does the psychiatric monitoring from the memory clinic. We learnt a lot from the local branch of The Alzheimer Society and were able to take part in activities that were dementia friendly, where we met other families managing similar - some harder, some not so situations than us.

What seemed unmanageable, is most of the time. Residential Respite breaks, definitely help us all.

We initially talked about a holiday and I insisted to Mum in Law we needed a holiday from her, but she could not take that in, but we still needed the holiday and understood the term holiday for her.

Once she was there we avoided direct contact with her, why remind her, we are not with her, but did send lots of postcards, saying hope you are having a good time, we will come and pick you up after our holiday is over, so she knew she was going home, I gather she settled after a couple of days.

 

[AJG]

Hello all,

Thanks so much for your replies, has given us food for thought. One of the homes warned against respite care as they said that people just start to get settled then you take them out again. I can identify with the feeling of guilt though - the thought of taking him in and leaving him somewhere for good is not an easy idea to deal with. It is difficult to try and balance the need for my mum to have some quality of life after all she's been through with the needs of my dad. Maybe sounds silly but dad also looks quite young as he's 72 and has ginger hair - I wonder if he'll go in a home and see everyone else as much older than him! This is never easy is it!