Missing Dad So Much

[flowerpot]

I need to get things written down and off my chest.

My Dad died five months ago today and I miss him so much. It's just silly things that make me want to cry. On Sunday I was working in the garden and it made me think of Dad as he was always a keen gardner and at one time had an allotment. I have three sisters two of which have been a great support but the youngest blames me without saying as much for Dad being in hospital for the three months before he died. The circumstances were such that he couldn't have gone home as Mam couldn't have cared for him as she isn't in the best of health. The youngest sister couldn't have been there all the time for him either.

Since MIL had her stroke seven weeks ago my youngest sister hasn't even asked how she is or how we're managing as she thinks I should have put her into hospital like I did with Dad. The circumstances are completely different as there are three of us here to care for her and we're all in good health and not that old so can manage.

Dad's funeral was a complete sham as he was a complete Athiest and Mam is Catholic as are my three sisters I gave it all up years ago. She had her Catholic Priest to do the service and the next day Dad's ashes were scattered on the garden of remembrance by someone from the funeral place. I wasn't told any of this until it was too late. This is not what Dad would have wanted.

On top of all this Mam has redecorated the house, bought new furniture and carpets so now when I go to visit there is nothing of Dad there. They never got on for years until he made his will the year before he died and then she became his 'best friend'! He had wanted his money split between me and my sisters but she made sure the will was made out to her and we only got anything if she died first. I'm not bothered about the money it's just the way she goes on. I have a lot of history with my Mam and most of it's not nice.

I loved my Dad so much and was very close to him and he wouldn't want Mam and my youngest sister to be treating me this way. I just try to console myself that he loved me and I loved him and there was nothing that they could or can do about that.

Thank you all for being there for me. I'm getting myself very upset now and will have to sort myself out as I need to get MIL into the shower. I just needed to get this out of my system and try to draw a line under it and get on with my life without my Dad.

 

[Christin]

Dear Flowerpot, I just want to send a hug x

Best wishes to you.

 

[Izzy]

Adding my hugs. x

 

[flowerpot]

Thank you Christin and Izzy, I'm just having an awfully sad day and feeling very sorry for myself.

 

[florence43]

Hi Flowerpot,

You're allowed to feel sad and sorry. It's a sad time for you, and still so raw and recent.

I'd like to send over a very large and comforting hug, just to get you through today. Then, when you need another (and you will...) just come back and it will be ready.

It's been 18 month since I lost my dad and the longer it goes on since I last heard his voice, the more my heart contracts. It's far less often now, but strangely a lot more intense. Also more random! Strange, unplanned time of a random day and I think of him. I haven't had a dad in my life for what seems like forever, and when I remember I had one, it really hurts. But as I said, it's a lot less often.

So it takes time, and it goes through stages, and you are entitled to cry, be sad and feel sorry for yourself. It just shows how much he meant to you. And that's a good thing.

Hope you feel a little lighter soon, and that you feel the benefits of a few virtual hugs,

Lots of love,

 

[together]

Hi flowerpot, I do so feel for you. Hold onto that special love you and your Dad had, that is with you for ever. Siblings can be so difficult to deal with can't they? My closest brother sadly died 8 yrs ago and how i have missed him through the last few years when dealing with Mum's problems. My older 2 brothers didn't help/visit Mum to the extent I did and now even tho it's only 7 weeks they seem to be'over it' - certainly doesn't make it easy for us does it? I'm struggling as I saw and knew more particularly of Mums last few days in the home than either brother (1 was away and knows nothing), I know I can't be blamed but it still affects you to such an extent doesn't it?
Anyway am thinking of you, sending you a big hug and hope tomorrow will bring you a better day. Love Katherine xx

 

[flowerpot]

Thank you Annie and Katherine, it's just lovely coming on here and knowing that other people know exactly what you're going through.

 

[HelenMG]

Hi Flowerpot,
Big big hug to you.
I lost my dad 9 months ago and still feel his loss greatly too. We had some sibling issues when Dad was moved to a nursing home for his last year. I was so upset at that - I wanted him to be still in his own home and I'd look after organising his care but my sister could not handle that - as dads home was a flat attached to her house. I was so angry with her and distraught for dad. My best friend then said to me that at the end of day my sister was doing her best, it might not have been what I would have done but she was doing her best and I needed to respect that. since that day I found it in my heart to see things from her side and I have become closer to her since. We are very different - but thinking that she, like me , was doing her best - in her way - for our dad helped me so much. Relationships between people are all different and we can only really really know the relationships that we ourselves have.

So, enjoy all your memories of your Dad. Hopefully you have some of his belongings to touch - and feel the love he had for them and you (I have a hat of my dad's, a candlestick he bought at a carboot sale, an apron he bought for me when he was on holidays once.... Photos of happy times we shared). I surround myself with these still as I have not yet got over the trauma and heartache of his last few years yet. Am getting there slowly.

Dad loved flowers too so I like to buy myself some in his memory. I want to get a big bright-red rose bush that he had wanted to buy for me once, but which I thought was too gaudy at the time!!! so persuaded him not to! How I wish I had let him - it would have given him such pleasure - and me too now.
Helen xx

 

[gilly96]

My father died just over a year ago from Alzheimers. We took care of him in our home and had power of attorney. My brothers and sister were happy for us to do all the caring and have him live with us the usual thing, but not happy about the power of attorney and objected to the registration. We ended up in the Court of Protection and the objection was quashed. The legal thing went on for up to a few months before dad died. They never rang to see how he was all the time we had him and not after. The stress was dreadful and I know it rubbed off on dad. We saw a drama last night called Exile and today I cannot stop crying I miss dad so much and so wish they had been there for him for my dad's sake because the Alzheimers gets in the way of the person but they are there and dad was there whilst we were trying to deal with the Court stuff. It gives me nightmares the whole thing, Dad was a sweet person and this "money" thing should not have happened. It happened over my mum's will as well she died of dementia and cancer. Dad looked after her with our help. Why do families do this because it breaks so many hearts and it has broken mine.