Camilla

[Camilla]

I wondered if anyone has experienced tension amongst siblings when caring for an elderly parent with dementia. Apparently it is quite common for one sibling to take the responsibility for most of the caring and decisions that have to be made.
I would really appreciate hearing about others experiences in this area.
Thank you.

 

[Izzy]

Hi Camilla. I haven't experienced tensions but by reading some of the threads on this forum I would say that I am lucky in that respect. I have one brother who lives around 70 miles away and my mother lives with myself and my husband. It seems natural that I have the responsibility for most aspects of care due to the distance. I am lucky though that my brother supports me in everything I do for mum. He also comes through to visit her once a week.

I hope your own situation is not too difficult. x

 

[piedwarbler]

Apparently it is quite common for one sibling to take the responsibility for most of the caring and decisions that have to be made.
QUOTE]

That is my experience Camilla, yes. I hope you are ok and wonder why you are asking; if you would like to tell us more, we may be able to help with our own experiences?

Welcome to TP, I hope you find it helpful x

 

[RobertE]

Tension amonst siblings

Sad to say, but yes. I dealt with and continue to deal with everything for my mum (who has now been in residential care for three years). My brother's reasons are: (a) "I live too far away" (an hour's drive) and (b) "I have an extremely demanding job" (and I don't?). I'm afraid a red mist still descends when I recall that last comment!

Things reached a head last year when mum had to be moved to a new home a week before Xmas 2010 for her own safety. My brother's response when informed by me of this was "sorry to hear that, thanks for letting me know". Maybe it was churlish to remind him that I also had a demanding job but would have to find time to move mum's things to her new abode, not to mention the other 100 and 1 things that had to be sorted out, but I did. To no avail, however, as no offer of help was forthcoming which was, to me the final straw in a long list of "final straws". I have now severed all contact with him. Maybe that sounds dramatic but at the end of the day the anger and resentment I felt towards him was doing me no good at all and so it was easier for me to take this course of action.

 

[chucky]

Camilla theres many many people, myself included, who have seen this amongst the family and sadly it can rip a family apart. I have the LUCKY position in that I am the one does the caring, washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, visiting, finances, bill paying, housework,running around in the middle of the night, no sleep, worrying, personal care the list goes on! Am i an only child, NO i have 2 brothers, do they live at a distance,No we live in the same post code area, enough said? I would say think carefully on taking on the responsibility because from experience i know they will sit back and let you do it. After all, how hard can it be? If i had a penny for every time my brother laughed and said chill, i'd be very wealthy.

 

[Cookie21]

I have no option... I am an 'only child' but I wouldnt have it any other way. I have a brilliant husband and daughter and they give lots of support and cuddles when needed.

Got a Social worker coming out to see me tomorrow to see if I can get any extra help. The one that came out last month was full of brilliant ideas, but not heard anymore from her.

 

[Grommit]

My sister, whose garden backs onto mine, has only set foot in our house once sine Jean was diagnosed 9 years ago.

The time she set foot in the house was to deliver several boxes of papers belonging to my Mother and she declared that she had had enough of looking after my Mother, now you can do it.

Mother is now aged 90 and is resident in a Care Home. Sister has seen her once this year so far.

Still, you have to forgive her as she is very busy taking examinations to become ordained within the Church of Alpha Christians.

 

[Cookie21]

cant believe some folk can you

 

[hazytron]

Frustration, is what I often feel towards my brother.

I have full responsibility for my Mum, she is his Mum too!

Four years ago, Mum relocated to a house across the road from me.

My brother did not lift a finger to help with the move.

He lives a three hour drive away and has not visited for fifteen months.

Granted, his relationship with Mum has never been good but he and I are fine with each other which leads to my frustration regarding his lack of support for me.

His wife informs me that he has many sleepless nights because he worries about the situation. Maybe he would sleep more soundly if he did just a little to help, maybe not!

I have no intention of falling out with him but he does not make it easy for me to be his nice little sister!

His words of "comfort" are that Mum would be better in a home.

Moan over, Camilla, rest assured, you are not alone!

Hazel

 

[Angel1973]

Grrrr dont get me started on this subject! My inlaws live in an annexe built specifically for them by us so we take care of bills, cooking, cleaning, late night rows, doctors appointment and everything else you can imagine while both having a full time and demanding jobs 30 miles from home in the same town where my SIL lives but which for her is a long journey to visit her mum yes we do it every day!

She does not work but does have kids who are now in school but still she has only managed to visit her mum twice in six months for an hour on each occasion and of cousre sat there being treated like a visitor demanding tea and sandwiches!

I can live with the work load and helping the in laws but I simply cannot take SILs criticisms which is the only time we get phone calls from her!!!!

I could go on but i risk hijacking your thread but as you can see you are not alone!!

 

[shells123]

Hi there I have also taken most of the responsiblity of taking care of mum but in one way it was my doing I didnt trust any one including my sister to get things sorted. Maybe I am a control freak but I needed to know things were being done and not being left. But I do know that if there is ever problem she would be there.xx

 

[tre]

Me too

My brother and I had real problems regarding mum who has vascular dementia. He was not like some siblings, in fact he did a lot but especially on the financial side and also when we moved mum and dad up to be closer. But he went crazy when he arranged to go down to mum and dad to discuss the move without discussing dates or anything with me. Them when it was all arranged to suit him he suggested I went too and was mad as hell when I went on holiday with my husband that week. My husband has a form of Alzheimers too so it is not like we can put everything off until tomorrow and I had that week booked off from work specifically to take my husband away. Anyhow my brother did all the financial stuff which you can fit in with your life and I did all the hospital appointments, doctors, opticians, dentist etc where they give you a time and you have to work around it. Always I had to take my husband as well as he could not be left. We have one family car and I work. My sister-in-law who does not work has a car as does my brother and my adult nephew but I always did all the ferrying. It did not help that dad would sometimes say I did everything and on one occasion this resulted in my brother saying to me come around and fetch the paperwork- you get the credit for doing everything so do it. He said he wanted nothing to do with mum and dad anymore but luckily I managed to smooth stuff out with the help of my sister in law and dad agreeing to apologise.
Anyhow, mum has now died in February and seeing how my brother was at the end I think gave me some insight. He was always mummy's boy, could get away with anything and I think a lot of the problem was that he had difficulty coming to terms with his mum who he loved so much getting dementia. In a way it was easier for me because as my husband has a type of Alzheimers I was more aware of what to expect. So I do think maybe some sons keep their distance because they are scared and upset and cannot face up to things, and who can blame them for that as it is really hard.
Be strong and I hope things improve for you
Tre

 

[grobertson62]

me too

Argggghhhh
dont get me started on this one

I don't begrudge the caring but would have liked a hand now & again

sad to say but true

 

[chucky]

Grobertson, i am with you on this one, i could really let rip at times. Making excuses for someone else doesnt alter the fact that they should be doing their share. I am not saying anymore because i got pulled up for answering a bit too vehemently on a thread and got removed. I would just say grrrrrrrrrrrr and i know exactly what you mean.

 

[sistermillicent]

It has fallen to me to do most of the caring and organising for my parents while my middle sister visits every six weeks or so and my youngest sister hardly ever does, she finds it terribly hard. Well so do I. They both thank me for all I do but I don't need thanks because it is nothing to do with them, I do what I do because of my own individual relationship with my parents.

We do not actually fall out about it because I think the worst thing would be to have a family rift on top of dementia. As far as I am concerned I am doing nothing on behalf of anyone, just doing things because I want and need to.

All the best, and yes I have had a moan about it occasionally but it isn't worth it.

Love Pippa

 

[Pacucho]

Yes

Hi Camilla,

Yes, I fell out with my sister and brother-in-law when we disagreed how to care for mum. But as I lived with my mum I took the decision to care for her at home, and simply got on with the job.

I had to take the decision if my sister and brother-in-law did not want anything to do with me that was fine, but I let them see mum whenever they wanted. But I never let it affect me in terms of caring for my mum.

Fortunately over time (some 3 years) things improved and my relationship with them is now very good.

Hope this helps

Paco

 

[bunnies]

Yes I have experienced a lot of tension. Like Sister Millicent, I too have done all the work willingly - it is not that I am bitter that the brothers haven't contributed, there is more to it than that. It seems as if not only have they not wanted to help out, but they have been desperate to convince themselves that I'm not doing anything either, so any reference to anything I have done has just disappeared without trace. It isn't that I have wanted thanks, but I have felt devalued, even my contribution belittled, a classic bullying tactic I now realise. Over the last two years what must have been a latent tension has finally burst out, and developed into flat-out bullying - unpredictable responses, refusal to respond to requests for us to make joint decisions, and more recently 20 mins of abuse on the phone, leaving me shaking and ill. It seems to be all about power - who has power over the ill relative and her 'estate'. POA hasn't helped - it has been used as a tool against me because when it comes to bullying, no-one can help you.
My advice is expect things to turn out in the way you least expect.

 

[griff]

Hi Camilla

I have to say I have first hand experience of this. I have a brother who has not spoken to my mother or visited her in her CH since we were advised by ss that mum was vulnerable living alone and other accommodation should be found.
mum lived in derbyshire and we decided to move mum to be near to both of us. It has been a year now since my mum moved. I am the only one that takes mum out, phones and looks after all her affairs. I am a big believer in you reep what you sow so I will leave that one with him . For me, I love my mum and will continue to do my best by her.