Mum's gone into care - looking for help for my Dad

[Tinselworm]

Hi everyone

I'm new to the forum so I hope this is the right place to post this. I'm looking for some help for my Dad, who's 81 years old and alone after Mum went into a care home recently.

Mum has Alzheimers, and Dad's been caring for her for many years - with a healthy dollop of denial - until it finally reached the point where she was becoming agressive and he couldn't care for her any more, so she went into a home just down the road at the end of January this year. Originally it was just for some respite care, but it became obvious that she wouldn't be able to return home and she was admitted on a permanent basis a few weeks ago. It's a lovely place and Dad goes in every day to be with her, arriving after breakfast and staying until just after lunch when she goes to sleep for the afternoon so he can slip off.

Dad's not coping with the change at all well and phones me up in tears every day saying he can't bear to leave her. He's horrendously depressed. While we speak on the phone every day and I listen to him and let him cry there's only so much I can do - we live 200 miles apart.

I'm looking for some ideas of organisations that might be able to help or provide some counselling to help him come to terms with the situation, or even just to give him someone to talk to about it. There are no Admiral nurses in their area (they live in Devon) so I'm not sure where to start looking for some help for him.

The other issue is that he's very much of the stiff-upper-lip generation, and he doesn't *want* to keep 'breaking down', as he puts it, so I think he's a bit scared of talking to anyone in case he can't stop himself from crying. I don't think he understands the value of counselling, and ultimately, it might not be the right thing for him, but I figure I have to try and find *something* as a starting point.

Can anyone point me in the right direction? I'd be very grateful.

Thanks in advance,

Lisa

 

[sue38]

Hi Lisa and welcome to Talking Point (TP).

Have you looked at local Alzheimer's Society support? I'm not sure where your dad is in Cornwall but have a look at the local information here

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/custom_scripts/branch.php?branch=true&branchCode=14528

You, or your dad, might also give the Society's helpline a call on 0845 300 0336 . This is a link to the helpline

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200365

I understand your dad's 'stiff-upper lip attitude, and that puts more pressure on you. Don't forget about yourself - there are lots of people here in your situation who can offer you support to support your dad.

 

[Tinselworm]

Hi Sue

Many thanks for that - I had done a search for 'support' but wasn't really sure what I was looking for - I was expecting to find a national helpline or something but this is even better! They're actually in Devon, not Cornwall, but I've done a search and it seems there's a branch just up the road from them in the next town, so I'll give them a call tomorrow.

Yeah, it's the stiff upper lip thing that's an issue, really; he's afraid of breaking down in front of people. Trouble is, he's doing it to me instead and I don't mind, really I don't, but I haven't worked out how I feel about it all myself yet. He's so tied up in his own grief - understandably of course - that I think he forgets that I've already lost my Mum (she doesn't know who I am now, but she still recognises him).

I'm not really feeling anything at all, which is a bit scary really.

And y'know - what on earth do you say to your 81-year-old father when he's crying down the phone?

Thanks so much for your help, I'll get straight onto them tomorrow.

 

[Sandy]

Hi Lisa,

Welcome to Talking Point (TP).

You have posted in just the right place and I hope TP will be able to help you and your dad.

There have been quite a few threads lately by members describing the very, very difficult struggles that they are going through coming to terms with the changing care needs of their spouses.

Many people do describe it like some form of bereavement in slow motion, but having support from other people who understand can ease some of the pain.

I would say a good place for your dad to start might be to ring the Alzheimer's Society's Helpline:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200365

The Helpline staff are very good and empathetic listeners and have a thorough understanding of dementia and what is can do to families.

The Helpline would also be able to point your father in the direction of any local AS services, but you can see from the map what might be nearby:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/custom_scripts/branch.php?area=true&areaCode=WESW

Sometimes, especially when they have been doing 24/7 care for a long time, people think that when their loved one enters a care home, they are no longer a 'carer'. But the AS services exist to support people with dementia and those who care for them in any capacity.

There was a very good leaflet produced by Alzheimer's Scotland that another member recommended some time ago and it's called 'Letting go without giving up: continuing to care for the person with dementia':

http://www.alzscot.org/pages/info/lettinggo.htm

I think it would also be a good idea to get your father to see his GP (you might need to write to the GP yourself, or even go with your father if he finds it difficult to discuss these issues) and have him assessed for depression. If he is depressed (certainly sounds like it from your post), medication may help him through this difficult period, in conjunction with getting support from other people.

Take care,

 

[JPG1]

Lisa,

Have you had a chance to have a talk (by phone if you life that far away) with your Dad's GP? Or even drop a line to his GP.

Many GP surgeries now have local support and/or counselling services that they don't always advertise, but they are available. Your Dad's GP may also have links with local Church services, or local non-Church-related services that are only too willing to provide local support.

Is there an Age UK (formerly Age Concern) branch where your Dad lives in Devon?

Also, try the local council website, because most of them now have online listings of local support services.

Good luck!

 

[sue38]

They're actually in Devon, not Cornwall

Argghhh. sorry

There's a few centres in Devon, try this link and forgive an ignorant northerner (although I've spent a lot of time in Devon and should know better ).

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/custom_scripts/branch.php?area=true&areaCode=WESW

 

[Tinselworm]

Thank you Sandy, that's very kind of you to dig all that out. Much appreciated.

I did speak to him today about talking to his GP - more as an avenue to find him someone to talk to than anything else - but he says they'll just put him on a load of medication and he really doesn't want that. Mum's being tranquilised because of her agression, and I think he's afraid of the same. But if I can just get him someone to talk to as a starting point, that will be a great help I think.

Perhaps I could do with someone to talk to myself. Her move into the home was quite traumatic, and I still haven't processed it yet.

JPG1 - hi there, and thanks for chiming in. I don't know if there's an Age Concern in their town, but there is a local charity called Brixham Does Care who I'd considered contacting - I'll try them tomorrow as well.

 

[Tinselworm]

Argghhh. sorry

There's a few centres in Devon, try this link and forgive an ignorant northerner (although I've spent a lot of time in Devon and should know better ).

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/custom_scripts/branch.php?area=true&areaCode=WESW

Heh - no problem! Thanks very much for the link!

 

[Peter32]

hi there, thinking of you, its not easy. I was talking with a friend of ours the other day and he told me that one of his problems was that because he had been out of circulation for so long he had lost contact with old friends and also his hobbies/interests. After a good chat, and a pint!! it came out that he used to play golf, loved going on rambles and watching cricket, OK some of his pastimes are a bit sad!!! I know you have enough to do but is there a chance that he had interests in the past that may be revitalised. Good luck, do look after yourself and perhaps your idea of looking for some support for you needs to be your priority, Pete

 

[Bastan]

Welcome to TP Lisa, thought I'd say hello even though my caring lies in young onset dementia so not sure how much help I can be. Sorry to hear about your mum and the sadness of your dad.

I know nothing about Devon but where I live we have a volunteer good neighbours group, who will visit people at home, often just for a chat. Some church groups do this. Could you employ a companion type person, to visit your dad, take him out etc etc. does he have friends?

I obviously don't know your dad, but my dad enjoyed a bet right up to his death, my uncle enjoyed a pint, another was into his garden. so perhaps a carer could take him to pursue his enjoyment.

I'm rambling a bit here so hopefully someone with more experience will be able to reply soon.

love Bastan xx

 

[Bastan]

Well shows how slow my one finger typing is. I was replying because nobody else had. you can ignore me now!!!!! xx

 

[Tinselworm]

Thank you all for the suggestions. Dad used to enjoy building and flying model aeroplanes, but he's only got sight in one eye now so he can't do that any more. He still goes up occasionally with the rest of the club, and I'm trying to encourage him to do that more. But of course he visits Mum in the mornings, and that clashes with when the club meets. He's not at the stage yet where he can skip a visit.

Does anyone mind if I tell the story? It's pretty long. Feel free to skip. But perhaps it'll help me to get it out.

Mum's move into care came about as a result of a routine visit home, for me. It was me who made the decision; Dad had always been so adamant that he wasn't going to 'put her in a home'. And I feel terribly responsible for the predicament my Dad now finds himself in, which I think is why I'm not really feeling much right now myself.

It had been six months or so since I'd been home. I went down to Devon in January, expecting it to be just another visit, except I'd arranged to stay with a friend and just visit my parents during the day, because Mum was sundowning at that stage and getting confused and narky in the evenings, and I didn't want to freak her out by having someone asleep in the lounge if she got up in the night. Dad had spoken to me on the phone about her 'moods', as he called them, but I wasn't prepared for the level of deterioration I'd find when I got there. They also had a carer coming in during the evenings to make sure she took her medication at night and to put her to bed, and I didn't want to interfere with that.

So I arrived from my friend's house, and she had no idea who I was - unsurprising, after six months, I suppose. I didn't stay long on the first day as it was obvious that she was stressed during the afternoon. I left saying that I'd see her the next day.

When I arrived the next morning, something was very wrong. Dad was distraught, and it turned out that the previous evening, she'd been violent towards him and tried to push him out of the bedroom because she didn't recognise him and she thought there was a strange man in the room. And he told me it wasn't the first time. This time, she pushed him so hard that he stumbled and fell into the carer, who was standing behind him. He's 81 and not in the best of health himself and a fall could have been disasterous for him. At this point, I said 'Enough'.

I went down to the office - they live in sheltered accommodation - to speak to the warden and call the social worker from the local mental health centre and we agreed that respite was needed. Dad was completely incapable of making the decision - he was in floods of tears. So it was me, who hadn't been home in six months, who gave the "OK". The social worker phoned me back within an hour saying they'd found a place in an EMI home just a few doors up the road. I went down to look at it, met the manager, tried to take in as much as I could with a short visit.

To get her there, we had to lie to her. It was almost like we had her kidnapped. The manager of the home came to the flat, along with the warden, and we told her that Dad and I had to go shopping, and that they were going to take her out for a nice cup of tea while we were gone so she wouldn't be on her own. She wasn't keen, and it was at this point that Dad and I left, because we were told it would be better if we weren't there. So we left and went and sat in the car down by the beach for an hour. When we got back, she'd gone. They managed to persuade her somehow.

It was so quick. Within two hours of sitting in the office with the warden trying to make a decision, she'd gone. Like ripping off a band-aid. Dad had no time to get used to the idea, which I suppose is a good thing in a way, but...

Later that afternoon I took in some of her clothes and toiletries and whatnot. They told me it would be better if I didn't try to speak to her while she was settling in, but I had to walk past the room where she was sitting - the day room, in one of those godawful care home chairs - to get to the office to drop off her stuff, but she saw me as I went past. If I live to be a hundred, I'll never forget the look she gave me - it was like utter contempt.

I stayed for a couple more days after that, and then I came back to London. And although I know it had to be done, I feel like I went home, breezed in, waved a horrible wand and turned their lives upside down. So now, when Dad phones me crying, I shut off. I don't know what to say to him or how to help. The guilt is unbelievable, which is probably why I haven't been back yet.

Sorry it was so long. Thanks to everyone for your help so far, it's very much appreciated.

 

[Onlyme]

Dear Tinselworm

If you had not stepped in and removed your mother she could have seriously hurt him or worse. He could have been found unconscious on the floor and your mother would have been taken into care without you being there. If you hadn't acted that would have been the guilt you carry around with you.

In a perfect world you would want to have done things differently but in a perfect world your Mum would never have got ill.

You have no reason to feel guilty, you did what you had to do. If not you then the social services/ambulance staff when you father was found by the carers.

 

[Tinselworm]

Yeah, that's a very good point. It's hard not to feel like I've turned his world upside down though, even though I know he doesn't blame me for it.

 

[Nebiroth]

Don't worry about posting Tinsel, that's why there are places like this where you can share how you feel with people who understand.

I went through an experience a bit like yours. Although I lived with my parents and helped look after my dad, who had Alzheimer's, the situation was getting very difficult with his increasing confusion and paranoid delusions, he was getting more agressive and I was worry for my mum's health and safety - he was 82, she 79.

It all came to a head one evening when my came rushing up the stairs in floods of tears, dad stopped recognising her and was demanding the police be called to eject the 'strange woman', was getting agressive with fists raised. Like you I knew we had reached the point where it was "Enough".

To cut a long story short shortly thereafter we were visited by social worker/doctors - mum was in floods again and could speak, so it was down to me to explain and give 'the nod'. In our case dad had to be sectioned because there was no other choice. Thankfuly, he responded to the (large) ambulance attendants in uniform as authority figures and went with them without incident (like you, we were told it was best for us to absent ourselves during this, and for the days he was settled in the hospital).

We knew the right thing had been done but that didn't stop the upset and the guilt at effectively arranging for dad to be "locked away"

In our case he died a few weeks later as a result of a fall, a hip fractured and complications set in following surgey. The chances were this would have happened anyway, he'd had falls at home and was very thin and frail.

Yoou've done the right thing, you don't need to feel guilt - but I know you will, nothing can really take that away. All you can do is to repeat to yourself that what you've done is right - and to contemplate what could have happened by now if you hadn't acted.

Your dad could have ended up hurt or worse, then your mum wouldn;t be in a home, she'd have been placed in a mental hospital possibly involving the police etc. Much more traumatic for all concerned.

As to your dad, I think he really does need to see his GP. I think he's going through a sort of bereavement but which can't be resolved because your mum is still living. GP's can arrange counselling and that sort of stuff but that can take some time. He might wellbe offered medication, antidepressants perhaps, but you could reassure him that he doesn't have to take anything he doesn;t want to. The GP can only offer it. There's no reason why you can't accompany your dad for the consultation, although the GP may ask your dad to confirm his consent to this verbally when you first walk in.

Dad, mum and I share the same GP so this was less of an issue as he knew we already had no secrets anyway

 

[Tinselworm]

Hi Nebiroth,

Thanks for sharing your experience and I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad.

That really does sound remarkably similar. Mum recognised Dad during the day, but after about tea time every day she started to not know who he was. She took to wandering the corridors in the flats they live in, looking for her husband to come and help her get the 'strange man' out of her flat. A couple of times some of the other tenants had to bring her back to the flat. And then of course Dad would get upset and say "But *I'm* your husband!" which confused her even more, and I think she started lashing out through sheer frustration.

Like you, we were told that if she didn't go willingly they'd invoke some kind of part of the mental capacity act and send an ambulance for her. I think they told her that, and she didn't like that idea, so went with them in the car eventually.

Sigh. What a horrible horrible illness this is.

 

[Tinselworm]

Hi all

Just a quick update for those enough who were kind enough to give me phone numbers and stuff.

I phoned the local branch of the Alz society yesterday but they weren't particularly helpful (as in, they were very polite and tried to help, but couldn't really suggest anything). They suggested the local Memory Cafe, but that's not really what I was after and didn't really sound suitable - I was after some pointers to some kind of counselling for him. I did phone the national helpline number, but got the recorded message telling me to leave a contact number for a callback, so that's what I did.

Lisa

 

[lin1]

Hi
Just read this thread and want to say.

You had to make a very difficult decision, and had the strength and courage to make it.
Your dad had probably been covering things up so you wouldnt worry so much, Im glad you visited when you did and took action.

If you hadnt the outcome could have been very different ,
dad injured and in hosoital , mum sectioned an in an assessment unit.

So please try not to feel so bad , you did right by mum and dad .

I too feel your dad could be helped by some counceling , a lot of gp practices do offer counceling, I think u have to see gp first who then go on the list for the councellor.

Dont discount the memory cafes, they will give your dad a chance to speak to and meet others in similar situations, and make new friends
Maybe also try and find out if there is a male carers group in dads area, dads local Alzheimers branch should know.

Hugs to you.