Mum`s decline

[catbells]

I took a week away with my husband last week to return today to see quite a decline. Mum is in extra care accommodation (own flat, home staffed by carers 24/7)since Nove 2010. Cardio vascular mixed dementia - severe diagnosed in Dec 2010. Her pulse is slow and I think she is slow heart failure. Incontinenace intermittent. Sleeps on top of the bed in her underskirt. Carers struggle to get her to change her clothes. Forgetting to have breakfast now too. So very sad to witness. Her demeanour remains calm and generally happy & smiley. I returned home today and couldn`t wait to see her and observed quite a decline.I think she has been pinning for me last week although I rang her each evening. I sent a postcard, but it didn`t mean anything to her. I talked to her about it showing her the card, she didn`t understand what it was and asked me to take it away. She was so pleased to see me telling me how much she had missed me. I`m not sure how aware she is, but a carer agreed with me that there was a noteable decline over last week. I`m not upset, nor feel guilty, I need to gather strength from time to time and spend time with my husband. I mentally I keep telling her to slip away peacefully in her sleep, not to keep hanging on FOR ME her only child. She does/did everything FOR ME. She will be 83 in 4 weeks time. I know it sounds horrible, but I wish it was all over. At least she is not in pain, but how can I tell how aware she is of her own situation, I don`t think she is. Thanks for listening!
Love to all on TP
Heather xxx

 

[rosiek]

Hello Heather

I can only sympathise with you, my Mum has been in a rapid decline since last November, she is in hospital at the moment having had 2 UTI's in 1 week. She has been diagnosed with VaD and I have been having the same thoughts as you, but as everyone on TP says take one day at a time. My thoughts are with tonight xx

 

[chucky]

Heather i feel for you. We dont want to watch our loved ones decline but neither do we want them to go on suffering. Its a huge burden we place on ourselves. Who knows which is better.When I think of my dad i sometimes wish he would slip away peacefully then i give thanks every day he hasnt. My friend lost her dad 6 years ago and we talked about it during the week and i said to her, i wish my dad had died rather than live this horrible life and she said that she feels that if her dad had dementia at least she would still have a dad. Two very different views. All we can do is show our love and accept that whenever the time comes for them to go, hard as it is to us, the journey is over and the circle of life is complete. My thoughts are with you. xx

 

[cragmaid]

Hello Heather, I'm glad you got a break and I hope you will have built up the strength for what lies ahead. I totally understand what you are saying about Mum sleeping away peacefully. Thinking of you and your family tonight..Sleep well Maureen.x.

 

[shauna]

Hi Heather,

I too sympathise with you. My mum has VD. and at present is in hospital for the past three weeks recovering from a chest infection. I have seen a big decline in her since she was admitted. She is not eating very much and is drinking very little. Her mobility is not good and is only in the last few days taking a few steps with help of family member and two physio's to support her. Doctors have told us she needs full time care and at the moment we are waiting for a bed in a nursing home as we are no longer able to care for her at home.I am heartbroken at thoughts of her going into care and like you i sometimes wish she would close her eyes and drift off to save her all this heartache.She was a wonderfull mum and i cant bear to see her like this. My husband and i have just come back from a 2 day hotel break ,it was lovely to recharge the batteries and spend some time together. Im going to visit mum tomorrow cant wait to see her . Take care of yourself hope your having a peacefull weekend.

Shauna

 

[ceetee]

Dear Heather,

sorry to read about your mum's decline but also good to hear you enjoyed a holiday. I will leave my husband for a week in April to visit my family...cannot wait. Hope you are having a good weekend! Best wishes, Ceetee x.

 

[Amy]

Hiya Catbells,
You say 'Her demeanour remains calm and generally happy & smiley.'...that is wonderful. So she forgets breakfast, maybe shes not hungry at that point, she doesnt get into bed but lies on the top...as long as she seems settled, it doesnt really matter.

from your post mum sounds happy....so forget those social bits that mum is forgetting....enjoy and treasure her smiles and happy demeanour....because you will miss those when she dies, and you will have days when you would do anything just to see her smile again.

Love Amy

 

[grobertson62]

. Her demeanour remains calm and generally happy & smiley. She was so pleased to see me telling me how much she had missed me. She will be 83 in 4 weeks time. I know it sounds horrible, but I wish it was all over. At least she is not in pain, but how can I tell how aware she is of her own situation, I don`t think she is.
(

Hi Heather am thinking of you at this time.
we all think our parents are going to be here for ever so Its hard when we see them so ill. But as you said your mum is generally happy & smiley & is in no pain

you are not horrible for wishing it was over. you would not be the first person to say or think it in this situation( I have too)

None of us want our loved ones to suffer & this is such a horrible disease

Take care

GILL

 

[piedwarbler]

"I know it sounds horrible, but I wish it was all over. "

I don't think it sounds horrible. I feel the same about my mum.

Hugs to you catbells. x

 

[catbells]

Hello again. Amy - you are a tonic. Your comments about does it really matter was a statement so simple but not obvious to me at the time. Of course it doesn`t matter the main point is she is safe, warm, not in pain and neither of us in control of this dreadful condition. We have to go with the flow. Mum is picking up again since my return, which is good to see. I expect this will be the case each time I go away on holiday, we will miss each other, Mum will decline, then settle again on my return. Or perhaps in time she won`t even notice I`ve been away. Anyway its not good to speculate, One day at a time is the motto, make no plans. Carers said that they are giving her half an hour on the evening visits now to chat with her and encourage a wash/shower before bed and if she doesn`t want to sleep in her nightie to encourage a change of clothes ensuring she is kept clean. Apparently she doesn`t want to do anything in the mornings. she will accept her medication and that`s it. I`m not concerned about her missing breakfast as she has a 3 course dinner each day, its when she starts to refuse this that we need to worry.
Thank you all once again for listening to me and sending your love . It`s a great comfort when you realise you are not alone dealing with this. Couldn`t have got through this without the support of you guys on TP. Your support will be needed for sometime yet and it feels good, on my good days to support others following in my footsteps. Best wishes to you all within your individual experiences, but on the same road together.
Heather x

 

[sistermillicent]

Hi heather, i am sorry to have missed your thread when you first posted it so this comment is perhaps a bit late. I too feel that mum is suffering and that she would be better not here any more, and how good it would be if it was all over. but the thing is I don't think either you or me really genuinely think this because it wouldnt be all over, the feeling of loss would be tremendous and overwhelming. It is no bad thing to voice it though.
it is certainly a strain being the only important person in her life, must make you feel guilty that she isn't the only important person in yours. (don't feel guilty if you can possibly help it though)



I am a bit rambly today, hope that makes sense.
Pippa x

 

[carolsea]

Hi Heather
Just wanted to say I think you are incredibly brave to voice what we all feel from time to time.
If only we would all just say what we are truly feeling (on here at least)life would be a little more tolerable, as we would know that we weren't the only ones feeling that way.
Hope that makes sense, I'm having one of those days!
Carol
x

 

[catbells]

Hello again. Thank you Carolsea for your comments. I stop and think am I being selfish having these thoughts, thinking it would be better for me suffering witnessing the decline, but I believe it is necessary at times of stress to allow these thoughts to come forward, then once addressed/acknoweledged, file them away again. I think it is a way of coping and we all have different coping mechanisms. I was sad today to learn, that Mum had soiled herself during the night- - a first. Another small step down to the inevitable. I had a short grief cry when I left her, but didn`t become too distressed, I had been warned. I have to be realistic. Mum told me in her own way about a problem with the bed and the lady taking things away so I checked the carers book where I read with dismay what Mum was trying to tell me was real. She didn`t understand what had happened, so wasn`t upset about it, which is a blessing.Yesterday she had picked up. Today, another sign of decline. So again the message is take a day at a time. Also another sign that YES I did the right thing by moving her into the extra care accommodation when I did.
nite nite all, Again I send my thoughts out to all of you Heather x