desperate

[Necion]

Hi Janice, I agree with all the advice you've had, your health is paramount.
In some ways it may be easier with the decision taken out of your hands in part, no-one in the family is then 'to blame' for want of me having a better expression.

As for your own health, I know how disabling depression is, and if your sisters can't look after mum without you, how on earth are they going to cope with looking after both of you, because that is what would happen if you are pushed beyond the limit.

Try to take your thoughts slowly, and hopefully this will transfer to your sisters and ease their understandable panic.

Take care, Lots of love, Necion. xx

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Janice:
I have just logged in and came to your Thread immediately.

You and your sisters are really going through the mill at present. I understand how devastated you all are but I do feel the right decision has been made for the present. I hope you do too:

they will decide where mum goes. the decision has been taken from the family, we will have input

Please accept that the care home situation is not all bad. My husband is really well looked after, as is Grannie G's husband. Its not a situation we want but sadly the disease takes over.

 

[janice1]

care home.

at the end of the day, mum needs to be safe, i have spoken to my sisters and said. that whilst i would love for mum to go home, i believe that the care home provides the safety that mum needs, and that care in the community is too risky. they where heart broken when they left the home today cos she was pleading to go home. i have just rang the home, mum is chatting to other residents, she watched deal or no deal (as she used to at home). mum just needs to addapt and so do we.

 

[Notwaving]

Thinking of you

Hi Janice ,I too have been in the same turmoil as you. I have had to see Mum distraught and begging to come home. My gut reaction was, this is not right I am going to take her home with me , give up my job and look after her.
I know now this would have seen me broken and and ill.It's a knee jerk reaction to do this,want to take her home.
Your sisters need time. I was the one who said to my sister 'We will have to visit her more. You do one day I will do the other.
My sister got quite cross with me and said 'You can ruin your life if you want but I'm not'.
Mum has gone on to a home for people with demanding needs as they call it. More staff per resident than a care home.
What advice I would give you is say to your sisters 'Lets see how it goes'. I wouldn't say you can't help them, just be vague and side step the issue.
They are just reacting to a very emotional situation. It is so easy to fall out with your siblings at a time like this.
When things calm down you will see she has to be somewhere secure and safe.
There are no happy endings with this awful condition. We can, but manage it.

 

[thatwoman]

Oh Janice, I feel for you,I really do, but I'm here to tell you it can get better.
My Dad will have been in a Nursing Home for a year next Thursday. His condition has improved during that time, and he hardly ever asks to go home. While he was living in his own home of over 50 years, he used to wander because he was looking for his home, and could not recognise where he was living. It was very scary.
He has settled well, eating better than he had done at home, and regularly taking his medication, which I couldn't get him to do at home. When he arrived at the home, he had spent 3 months in hospital, during which time he had lost 5 stone in weight and become unable to walk. Now he is back to about 9and a half stone, and he started to walk again after 3 months. That stopped again after a big stroke in October. Then last week he started again! (He was having a rest in his room, when he decided to use his zimmer frame and walk to another resident's room "for a cup of tea"!) When he had the stroke he was taken to hospital, and that was a nightmare. I eventually persuaded them to send him back to the home, and when we arrived back in the ambulance, a carer came out to meet us. Dad just smiled at her and said, "Thank God I'm home!" That made me weep, but how lovely that he feels like that now.
It is hard, but, as you say, the decision has been taken out of your hands now. When that happened to us, I felt so relieved. It took away some of the guilt, and I hope it helps your sisters. I was the person who was on the doorstep, and I'd lost all perspective because I was so exhausted. My brother and sisters were further away, and could look at things more objectively. When someone else takes on the responsibility, it makes the hands-on carer take a step back too. I think you and your husband are the people who have the perspective to see that a home is the best place for your Mum. Hopefully your sisters will see that soon.
Sorry this is such a long post, but I just wanted you to know there is hope. Take your time, and try not to let anyone make you feel guilty,
Love from Sue xxx