putting mum in respbite

[Bezzy]

Took mum in for respite yesterday,shes staying there for 4 weeks,just waiting for a room to become available at care home for her to go permanently.It broke my heart,more so because shes still young(68), she looked like she shouldn't be there,but mentally she does need to be.I feel so guilty, i cried most of yesterday driving home through my tears.It feels like im going through a berevement even though i know i can still visit.
Have been to see mum today, she seemed surprised to see me, then said " take me home",i just said " i carn't mum " then changed the subject. She kept welling up,then chatting, i managed to be brave in front of her.I walked her to the dining room for her dinner,kissed her goodbye,she had a few tears until a carer took her to see the other ladies, then i snook off.I hope she settles in ok,am finding this really difficult as we have always been so close.

 

[lin1]

Hi
And you will still be close to your mum have no doubt about that!!

Your bound to be very upset , thats perfectly normal its because you love and care for your mum.

Its early days for your mum , to early for her to settle, early days for you too.
xxx

 

[imac.girll1]

Wishing you strength.

xx

 

[elaine n]

Bezzy, you are going through a berievement. You're grieving for the person your mum was before this awful disease took it's toll and she's so young. Be kind to yourself, you're trying to do your best for your mum. Wishing you strength and sending lovexxxxxxxxxxelaine

 

[longacre]

leaving your parent as you have just had to do is really grim and there is nothing you can do to make it easier. I have shed more tears driving recently than I am sure is good for you on the road...the highlight of the day when I left my mother in a care home a few weeks ago was when she said 'if you leave me here, I am going to die'...I felt as if I might. It was up there when the comment in my fathers diary on day 2 of leaving him in a care home 4 years ago was ' they have incarcerated me here. I need to watch out to see what they do next' I also left her sitting a lunch and her last comment was whether she had the keys to her house to which I replied yes. Which was not the case as I had taken them. Her old house is not that far from the care home. It is so difficult to cope with but I would suggest keeping in close touch with the respite care place. Ours is really good and encouraging in how she is as they of course see her all the time. I also read something recently about visiting which was 'parachute in, evaporate out' I have found it really helpful.

 

[Sunflower10]

Hello Bezzy
I know exactly how you are feeling, my mum who is 61 is currently in respite, this time only for 1 week but it is the 4th week this year in preperation for her to go in to permenent care when a bed is available. It it horrible leaving them in a home especially when they are so much younger than many of the residents, it doesn't seem right at all. My mum is quite advanced in her dementia and to be honest is only still at home because she has my 2 younger brothers still living there too. When I took her into the care home last week I was surprised that although all the residents seemed much older than her, they were more 'with it' than my mum.

It is so very heartbreaking. I have had a rough few days this week trying to come to terms with it all and have shed buckets of tears. I was trying to explain to my husband last night that I am grieving for my mum even though she is still alive.

There is nothing nice about this journey we are on as carers but I guess we must keep telling ourself that at the end of the day we are doing what is best for our mums.

Try and keep your chin up, mine has been on the floor all week but today I feel abit better - and at least the sun is shining at the mo.

 

[catbells]

Hi Bezzy - I moved my 82yr old Mum into a emi unit (own flat in a secure 48 flat care home) + 24/7 carers on Monday. I prepared her by visiting the home for several weeks and introduced carers into the home for just morning visits, but try as I did to explain she would be moving/staying at this place, it came as a shock when we took her down to the flat now furnished with her things. Unhappy I had not asked her because she would not have agreed, demanded to be taken home and the bed taken back - if bed wasn`t going she would sleep on the floor and it went on and on, so distressing. Carers spent so much time with both of us - she was angry with me as I didn`t get her consent, but she doesn`t understand nor can reason. However there`s been more clarity from her over these few days. Tuesday she was more like the happy affection mum who was determine still to let me know she still wanted to go home, but I was stronger. Today another small dig, not happy here. I took some photos of my Dad ( he died 30 yrs ago) and she reclined from it turning away. She gave me his photo when they were younger some time ago, so I guess she doesn`t recognise him. So experiencing the worst day of my life on Monday, today the tears started as she rejects my Dad. It is the "grief" cry and I must prepare for more to come.
I have been talking on TP for several months, and now I have worn and continue to wear the t-shirt, this is still going to be an emotional rollercoaster, even though I know I have done the right thing, she is warm, is eating properly and secure, tough love, she will have to get used to it.
I too have been driving when crying, sometimes I`ve had to pull over sometimes it has helped me focus. My thoughts go out to all of you who are wearing the same shirt with me this week.

Try to keep positive, but its good to cry.

Heather xxxxx