Advice for moving into home for respite care

[clarison]

Hi all,

After a traumatic couple of months where my Mum as well as Dad was diagnosed with dementia, we lost her to lung cancer a couple of weeks ago.

Dad is in moderate stages of AZ & finding it hard to cope on his own... we've had carers in 3 times a day and at night with me making up the gaps in care. It has become apparent that he needs 24 hrs care, for company as much as anything as he is so lonely and anxious since Mum died.

We have found a promising nursing home and have decided on a 2 wk respite period for Dad, but I'm wracked with guilt and nerves about how to expedite this. He is supposed to be going there tomorrow and I want the transition from home to "home" to be as stress free as possible.

Has anyone got any tips?

thanks, Clarison x

 

[Christin]

Hello. I am sorry to hear about your mum. This must be a very difficult time for all of you.


I would say phone the home in advance and explain how anxious you are about this. We had problems finding the right home for respite but we have now found one and they were brillant.

We also phoned just before we left home, they were waiting at the door for him when we arrived and took him straight in for a cup of tea.

Also a detailed list of his daily routine, and his little quirks, how he likes his tea, what his favourite foods are, what time he likes to get up, etc etc. I may have gone over the top but they said it helped them to understand him and it made me feel better too.


Very best wishes to you. xx

 

[crafty]

Hi Clarison, So sorry to hear about your Mum .

My Dad has just gone into a home for respite but we have been told he wont be coming back home. We told Dad he was having a holiday as he needed a break after just loosing our Mam in May.
We did just what Christin has suggested and it helped Dad greatly.
The guilt monster has descended on us big time, god its so hard doing this.My Sister and i both know its for the best, but we have never felt so guilty in our lives we just want to go to the home and bring him home, but we know we cant.

Tina xx

 

[PamD]

Mother can never remember anything much about her respite breaks afterwards, but is always happy and sunny when we pick her up even though she makes a huge fuss in advance: "I can't possibly go" "I've never been away on my own (ie without late husband) before" "What will I do all day?", and "Don't leave me here, I can't cope". However pathetic she seems when we leave her, we know she's in safe hands and will be comfortable and well looked after, and that we need those breaks in order to be able to look after her for the rest of the time, so even if she doesn't have a bundle of laughs when she's there it's worth it on balance. But from all accounts (staff, and visiting support worker and friends) she's fine when she's there, joins in activities, seems happy enough.

We've found it helpful to write out a packing list to remind us each time about what she needs to pack, remembering things like her medication, notepaper for the letters she thinks she's going to write, hot water bottle (only in the Abbeyfield Extra Care home: the council-run one wouldn't allow one on Health and Safety grounds), kirby-grips, clock, radio. Obviously different for everyone. Even if the home doesn't want everything labelled (though as he's there for 2 weeks I suppose they will want his clothes labelled for laundry), stick labels on anything which he might carry around and leave somewhere where the staff won't know to whom it belongs: we got Mother's radio back a couple of breaks after she lost it, as it had found its way into someone else's room and not been noticed till that resident left!

I hope things go well for your Dad, and that his respite break gives you a good chance to recharge your own batteries.

Pam

 

[TheFarmersNiece]

Hello Clarison

We had to find respite care for my mother-in-law back in June, after a marked deterioration in her ability to look after herself. She wasn't eating well or taking her medication properly, she was becoming prey to doorstep sellers and was lonely to name but a few of our concerns. As self-funders, we got nowhere with GPs or Social Services or the CPN.

We sold the idea of a couple of weeks respite to her that she needed a break, a small holiday, where she would not have to worry about the house and all that domestic 'stuff' - an opportunity to regain her strength. I was accused by other family members of being deceitful however I think the blunt truth is often very much overrated when dealing with dementia... She thought it sounded like a marvellous idea and helped me pack for her 'holiday'. I was already pretty sure that unless some miraculous recovery occurred, she was no longer able to live alone and was unlikely to return home.

We did as Christin suggested, and made sure that she was greeted at the door by a friendly face - that she knew she was 'expected'. She was taken away for a cup of tea, a chat and a look around while we sorted out the paperwork.

I found a leaflet here on the AS site called 'This Is Me' and used it to create a 'file'so that the Care Home had as much information about her as possible.

http://alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=1290

As it turned out, my hunch was right and she's settled in now as a permanent resident. The profile proved to be invaluable and is still being referred to by staff 5 months later. They said even if she'd only been there for the 2 weeks respite, it was still worthwhile and they were going to be suggesting it to other families. Although any care home worth it's salt will take a history for themselves, YOU know your Dad best and know what's important for people to know about him.

If it's portable LABEL IT. If it's not portable, LABEL IT anyway.

I could go on (and on and on) but I think the profile was the most useful thing, especially for times when she's at her most confused.

Good luck!

 

[Margaret W]

Hello Clarison,

People on here know that my hobby is Genealogy, so I'd suggest that as a "talking point" you put together a brief history of your mum's family. Parents, where they lived, her siblings and who they married, her nephews and nieces, her grandparents, any little family stories that help to paint a picture of her past and present.

People also know that I had loads of difficulties when mum first went into the care home, but eventually a new manager was appointed and one of her early tasks was to find out about her residents' lives. She found that my mum loved talking about her two elder sisters, and her parents, and what they did, and the laugh that her dad was supposedly present at the death of her grandfather, when he was actually down the pub completely blotto, and she had to go and fetch him. I provided info on all of this, plus where she had gone to school, what jobs she had done before she married. It provides a starting point for conversation.

Love

Margaret

PS As offered before, happy to help anyone trace their family history - within reason!

 

[clarison]

thank you

Thank you all... I haven't cried as much since Mum died. Took Dad in this morning and stayed with him for a few hours. The staff seem lovely and have all taken quite a shine to Dad (he is a really loveable man).

I called at 4pm and spoke to someone that was with him and all was well. I'm heading in there in a while with his granddaughter and we'll stay with him for a half hour/ hour and see how it goes. She's 10, so when it gets to a certain time I know Dad won't mind me leaving to "get her into bed on time".

Fingers crossed and thanks for all the tips. I have just printed out the This is Me leaflet and we'll get filling that in for Dad this evening.

Clarison

 

[longacre]

I also did a background info sheet for both my father and mother and also included the words we read at my stepfathers funeral which we gave to the care home when my mother went in for respite care a couple of weeks ago - and I know wont come out. They said to me the other day how invaluable it was. it had details of her background, all family members, their names, partners, birthdays, her friends and people she may talk about etc. I actually did it first for my father four years ago when he went into a care home and so did the same for my mother with her carers originally after my stepfather died and then just gave the same info to the care home. They said that they know nothing much about some residents until they die...

I feel for you. It is a grim situation.

 

[clarison]

feeling terrible today

The guilt I'm feeling is really overwhelming. visited Dad with my little girl at 7pm last night and he had gone to bed! Managed to talk him round to chat to us for a while but couldn't find the ward sister until an hour later!

He seemed really sad and disorientated (I guess this was to be expected). I spent the whole night thinking about how we could manage him in his own house and about whether I was being cruel etc. etc. I honestly don't know what to do.

My brother lives in Ireland (where Dad is originally from) and is researching homes over there that are more spacious and much cheaper (we are self-funding). I have no idea what to do really. If Dad went to Ireland I would probably only be able to visit once every 6 weeks... I wonder how that would affect him after seeing me EVERY day for the last 3 years of his illness. I also think it would be an awful wrench for me too. We are at a loss...

When I rang the nursing home this morning they said he had a very unsettled night & was up to use the loo a lot (he does this at home as well)... they suggested I put him on oxybutinyn (which he was prescribed but I didn't give to him yet as I was worried with side effects and starting new meds right now in his fragile emotional state). I would prefer to let him settle than go ahead and medicate straight away...

what do you all think?