I made a mistake

[Resigned]

Hi

Well, yesterday I took my mother shopping for clothes as she had said she didn't have enough (she probably doesn't as she's dropped nearly 3 dress sizes).

I picked her up and took her to Marks (borrowed a wheelchair) and we had a good time. She was interested in the clothes and chose quite a few. We tried them on and she decided to have everything. We then had a cup of tea and a biscuit and I took her back to the home.

We had been out longer than I had planned, nearly 2 hours, and I think it was too much for her. She didn't recognise the home and wanted to know why I had taken her there. She had no recollection that we'd been shopping and bought her new clothes. She kept saying 'something is very wrong, this isn't right' and sat with her head on the table refusing to sit up. She asked to go home which she hasn't done for a while now.

I felt so bad, what had been quite a nice afternoon ended up with her getting very agitated and more and more confused. I couldn't distract her, everything I said she threw back at me. All was wrong and I wasn't helping.

This is the first time I've taken her out since she went to the home 5 months ago. I thought it would be a nice change for her but it was too long. I usually restrict my visits to her to no more than an hour after that she gets confused and more likely to ask to leave. I should have known this wouldn't work but I often read of other TPers taking their mums out and so wanted to spend a bit of time actually doing something together.

I will never do it again. I'm so sad about it.

R

 

[wispa]

Hi Resigned

How terrible for you.

A big ((((((((HUG))))))).

Your post really made me think as my Mum has been in a home for 3 1/2 weeks now and I had planned to take her for a new pair of shoes one afternoon this week, after reading your post I am now wondering if it is a good idea

I am thinking of you. X

 

[Heather777]

oh you poor thing. Well done for trying and don't feel you have made a mistake. You obviously had a really good time out and there seems to have been a sense of normality and enjoyment in your trip.

It is the dementia that changed the circumstances on return not the fact that you had a good time out. My mum loved going out and I took her once towards the end-we didn't get far because she couldn't cope with the motion and then she was sick when she returned. I didn't regret it because at least she had a change of scenery.

It might take her a while to settle back in but she will and when you visit I am sure that she will look very pretty in dresses that fit!

As carers we don't really have a manual of what it the right thing to do so we try to do our best, you done a great thing and I do hope it won't put you off doing other things.
Heather

 

[Lynne]

Oh sweetheart, please don't blame yourself, and never say "Never". We all make mistakes & can't know unless we try something whether it may be a good thing or not so good for her.

Your analysis that Mum was overtired certainly seems right on the money, it sounds as if she was overwhelmed by it all and (I think this was the significant bit) didn't recognise 'home' when you returned there. Keeping treats short & simple may work better in the future.

If it's the first time she's been out with you for a long time, she had probably forgotten what the entrance looked like - maybe somewhere deep down she was expecting to go back to your house as in the past? It's so difficult to second guess which memories may sometimes resurface and scotch our good intentions.

I do so understand your distress, and wish I could reassure you that what happened is a result of the dementia, not of your actions.

Best wishes

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Resigned,
I'm sure you're quite right in thinking that it was simply too long.

If you want to continue taking her out, and you probably could for a quite a while longer, I suggest just a quick window shopping tour, then tea and a biscuit and then back to the home. Don't keep her out longer than an hour, if you think that's her limit.

One of the very sad things about AD is how the world of the sufferer gradually shrinks down. We went from hours long days trips down to half hour walks. Others may not have that problem, it's all so very individual.

As for the clothes, I buy them and take them in. Mum is fairly stable now weight-wise so it's not a problem. And if something is not suitable, it's easy enough to return an item.

 

[Resigned]

shopping trips

Thank you Wispa, Heather and Lynn, I do feel a bit calmer about it now.

When I have a good visit with her I feel so happy, and go home quite normally. When its not so good, I drive the 50 miles home much too fast, I must learn some deep breathing exercises, I think.

R

 

[sussexsue]

Resigned,

Focus on the positive not the negative. You and your mum had 2 lovely hours together out shopping. You both enjoyed those 2 hours, that is really all that matters. OK your mum forgot she had a good time, but equally she will forget she was upset when she got back.

Try not to think "I will never do it again", more "well that is probably the last time we will do it, but we both had a good time".

 

[turbo]

Hello Resigned, you took your mum out shopping and she enjoyed it at the time. I think one of the most difficult things when dealing with dementia is that we somehow feel we have made things worse. You had no way of predicting how your mum would feel when you returned back to the care home so please try not to feel sad or that you have made a mistake. Have you spoken to the care home to see how your mum is now.?

Turbo

 

[Resigned]

Thanks everyone, you're right, I can see that I can view it all differently and its a relief.

I haven't rung the home today mainly because they always say she's fine and seem a bit surprised that I ask.

Now I know what it must be like to live in a parallel universe.

R

 

[Bronwen]

Oh dear I do feel so sorry that your lovely shopping trip ended in both of you being upset..once your mum gets used to short trips out, she may acccept that she goes back to the nursing home and that you will take her out again. Don't give up and please don't blame yourself..I never know how my husband is going to react to certain events..some days he appears at ease with the world and another day, he could pick a row with anyone..we just have to be there for them, which is just what you are doing.

I know what you mean about the driving, I very often find my thoughts wandering, and planning what to do for the best, whilst I am driving.

take care

love
Bronwen x

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Resigned, I'm sorry to read about your day. You did your best for your mother, with the very best of intentions and whilst you were out and about, you succeeded in engaging her in some normal fun things. As other s have said, you have nothing to reproach yourself about. Nothing at all. Your mum had a nice time and has almost certainly forgotten about any temporary upset.

You can aim another time, to keep the trip out shorter, perhaps with a point where a cup if tea and biscuit is on the agenda. Gently does it! I feel sure that there are many more little trips to be enjoyed, but please try not to compare yourself with what others are doing for their mums. Everyone is different, and all that matters is that you and your mum can enjoy a few quality outings if possible, and if not possible, then a few quality hours together.

I wonder if the home puts on any outings for the residents which you could join in with, where someone else does the driving and there is another carer around?

Now a little lecture. Fifty miles is one helluva drive to make to and from your mum's home. You need to pace the visits so that you are OK to manage the drives home safely and without undue anxiety. If that means a shorter visit with your mum, or fewer outings, then so be it. Your safety is paramount and driving home without worrying unduly about your mum is pretty important. You can tell I'm fretting here about you. I had a twelve mile drive to my mum's home and that was more than enough.

Please take care of yourself and don't give today's outing another thought. Kind regards Deborah

 

[lemoncrunch]

It's all trial and error - lots of them! I would have done exactly the same as you and thought the same as you. We went to see my mum this weekend as it was her birthday at the beginning of last week. We had everything planned and it was an absolute disaster. Our plan was to take her to a lovely village for lunch and stop somewhere for afternoon tea. We even thought of visiting a small zoo which has a cafe as she loves animals. However we got to the hotel, which she thought was lovely, ordered some sandwiches and just as they arrived, she totally "switched off". Tea was abandoned and we took her home. Then in the evening, she went totally off the wall. She gave them a terrible time at the retirement flat where she lived as she got it into her head that she was meeting "all the family" at a restaurant down the road. There isn't a restaurant down the road and we weren't meeting her. Didn't help that the hotel we had booked had no mobile phone signal, but we didn't know that till we got there! The next morning of course, that whole day, including the evening, was forgotten.

However, at least your mum had a lovely time at the time which is worth remembering. Okay you won't do it again but living with AD is a continuous learning curve.

 

[MHD]

Resigned

I have just registered although my mother has been slowly sliding down the slope of Alzheimer's for ten years - she is now 88. She has been much helped by Memantine which she was able to take in the early stages.
But, it may assist you to know, as many of the posts make clear, that your experience is very common. I have been much helped by practising Mindfulness, which is designed to teach us to value each moment for what it is, without expectation of how it "should" be, with an attitude of compassion. Following this practice has enabled me to be sensitive to my mother's needs and limitations, and also to look after myself in the process. Initially I found it very difficult to cope with the disappointment when she did not wish to engage in an event that I had carefully planned, as I saw it for her benefit. Now - she is getting quite advanced - an ice cream by a lake is of far more value for her than tea in a smart cafe! I have learnt to go at her pace, not mine. Michael

 

[Jancis]

Michael, that is such good advice. I am planning a birthday treat for my uncle next week and so far we have been lucky as he has been pleased by our visits but I will be prepared for anything as I know his health has declined since our last visit (we unfortunately live miles away from him).

 

[imac.girll1]

Resigned, dont regret it, because no doubt your mum once she had settled in will soon have forgotten that may not want to be there.

i am not being blase but dont stop being normal around her.

Well done for getting her out and doing some shopping and having a coffee etc, you did really well.

Enjoy your future visits.

xx

 

[piedwarbler]

I had this same thing with my mum after we moved her into her first home last September (09). She would be really disoriented after going out for a small walk, would deny it was her room, etc. I felt that she was really upset and mentioned it. The carers were blase saying that everyone was the same and I was saying I wouldn't take her out again as it seemed cruel and they said oh no, she would be fine, not to let it put me off.

However I did find the more we went out for a walk the better she got at realising when she was back on her landing and I also got better at spotting the signs of when she had had enough.

I wouldn't give up on it but learn from it and keep adjusting what you do till she is happier.

Take care - you're doing a fabulous job! x

 

[Contrary Mary]

I wouldn't give up on it but learn from it and keep adjusting what you do till she is happier.

I have no experience to match yours but I totally agree with what Pied said. Whatever our situations we do our best and learn from our experiences that we don't always get it quite right. And some days go better than others. As Lemoncrunch said, it really is trial and error.

Mary
x

 

[Christinec]

Hi Resigned,
Thanks for your post. I have not taken Mum out for ages. The last two times I took her out she was quite physically unwell both when we were out and when we returned and I do not want to make her worse. She was never really one for leaving the house unless she had to so I think perhaps taking her out was difficult for her to deal with but another family member thinks I got too upset by her having "a bad turn". I am hopeless at dealing with illness. There did not seem to be a long term ill effects but I honestly do not know if it helped Mum feel better or not and she never asks to go on outings. Honestly I think in some ways although she seems not to recognise anything even in the home I think at some level the familiar surrounds and faces may comfort her whereas outside can only stress her more now. There was a time when we did have outings and I am glad we did that when we could.



Everyone, carer and person with Alzheimers, is different and it is hard to know what helps.

Wishing you all the best

 

[muse]

Hi Resigned

I'm sitting here gratefully learning from other people's experiences...and hopefully contributing a little bit of my own every now and again. I think the biggest thing for us carers to learn is that what we consider obvious treats (e.g. change of scenery) is not necessarily what our loved-ones need. Don't get me wrong, I'm not classing what you did as a mistake. As many others said, you don't know until you try, and you did have a lovely time, both of you. That's worth something. For some it no doubt works on a regular basis.

But from my and others' experience, I'm coming to the conclusion that once the illness is far enough advanced for our relatives to be in a home, what they need most of all is probably a safe and predictable routine which helps them feel less disorientated. Some stimulation within the safety of the familiar walls and with familiar people is probably the best we can offer. That's why I'm such a great advocate of music therapy, in any shape or form. I feel almost as passionate
about this as Norms does about awareness in the general public.

Sorry. I should have called myself "Soapbox" (or music box ).

Love and hugs - Kathy