Read if you want to, it is about death, and saying goodbye

[lesmisralbles]

The last words Ron said to me were
Am I going to die.

I go to bed every night and hear the question.
I lied, and told him no.

I have lived with that for nine months.

The doctor had told me he would.

It has driven me to no sleep, smoking, which is beyond my means,and drinking, which is not me, (and I do not mean tea).

Oh Ron, if I could send a message to you now it would be come home, but I know you cannot.
I am selfish for asking.
I am looking at your photograph, your beautiful face XX
I have said goodbye so many times. But, I cannot let go.

I cannot go to the graveyard.
Nothing there. Just ashes.
I remember you telling me, when we visited your mum and dad,which is where you are now, your dad would have told you, what good do you think you are doing here, he was right.

I have to let go.

Forgive me, I have to say this, a child,
A parent, brother, sister, is such a great loss.

But a husband, a wife who loved one another. They were not from family. They just looked at one another, in our case (across a crowded pool) and we both , well we fell in love.
I did not ask his age, I found out later he was 23 years older than me.
I would not change anything.
I loved him, he loved me.
But, I have to say, in my case, the loss hit me more than I thought it would.

I wake every day, I turn over, the bed is empty.

But, my heart is filled with the love and joy that I met my Ron.
And for that I am greatfull

Barb XX

 

[Mameeskye]

Barb

Your anguish comes from the flip side of loving. To have known that love there is a price to pay which you do in the grief you feel. For each of us that grief and the love is a personal expression. For each of us it is different. But Ron's comments to you were right. You don't have to let go though, you can remember the love and at times it will bring tears to your eyes and at others laughter. Memories are for cherishing, but life does continue, because it must, otherwise there would be little point to love.

(((Hugs)))))

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Izzy]

Barb I haven't the words to comfort. I'm so sorry for your loss and grief.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Barb, your words are so sad. I hope today brings you some comfort, somewhere, somehow.
Kind regards, Deborah

 

[maryw]

Dear Barb, as Deborah says your words are sad, but far better to have known that love than never at all. Take care xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Barb,

I've read your words and listened in silence. It feels like a moment of closeness amidst the anguish.

Love x

 

[TinaT]

You know what I would want if I asked my loved one that question? I would want the answer you gave to Ron!

I think Ron wanted the answer you gave him. He smiled at you when you told him this, just as I would do if the love of my life made that last kind answer knowing that it was what I needed to hear.

Separation is cruel and the final separation the most cruel of all. You are dealing with your grief the best way you can Barb and here on TP your heartfelt words are very much understood.

My love to you.

xxTinaT

 

[alex]

Hi Barb

I too gave the answer “No” .............more for my benefit than his, as he already knew the answer.

Me?...........I couldn’t face the truth, I wasn’t ready to let go, just as you can’t let go right now, you’re not ready yet.

I couldn’t go to the grave either because it reminded me of my loss.......and the pain, and the death, ..........but looking back on it now, I realised that knowing what he suffered, with such dignity and without complaint..........well........ that gave me the strength to face the world on my own again.

Maybe Ron left you the same legacy.

Take your time and be gentle on yourself.
Love Alex x
p.s. If my mum asked the same question.......i'd give the same answer.

 

[sad nell]

Barb sending you my love,I think of you and your Ron often, may you been given what is needed to be able to smile again you know your Ron will be watching and wanting that for you. lool after yourself love Pam

 

[lin1]

Dear Barb

I too would have said no. we say no to such a question so our loved ones do not suffer fear. you protected Ron from fear and their is nothing wrong with that is their?

Try to be kind to yourself, you did all you could for Ron.
Of course you miss Ron terribly He was your soul mate

 

[jc141265]

Barb your love for Ron is simply beautiful. Take time, take care, let all that love slowly mend your heart. My mum always said that people's souls don't die, instead they come live in their loved ones hearts after they have left the body. Hold him close, he's with you now.

Best wishes,

 

[lesmisralbles]

It was 1-51am when I posted this thread

I just had to say all I said. Backed up by several hundred ciggies and a drink or two. Funny that, I only drink at night, told myself it makes me sleep. It does, but you feel like sh-t in the morning. So, take note, I have packed the drink in at night, never going to be t total
Was not looking for sympathy, just need to talk, like talking to myself, aloud, which I find myself doing all the time, truth be known, I am talking to Ron.

I know he has gone. I just cannot get my head round it. (Yes, you would think after 9 months)
If I love, I love, if I care I care, if I cry, I cry, if I rant, I rant, if I laugh, when I laugh, and I do, well, what you see, is what you get. ME.

I want anyone who comes to read my post to know it is normal, the way I am at the moment, just taking me a while to ??.
Cry, it does help. Scream a lot, (better from a sound insulated booth), cause the neighbours dont like it Pillow over mouth seems to work. dull the sound, or like I have, run the shower and let it all go.

I want to be part of TP.
I feel I have a lot to offer.

BUT.
Who in their right mind will listen to a
Ciggy smoking, drinking, mad women who talks to herself??.
I would

Be on my wavelength anyday.

I have hobbies,one is looking up my ancestry, gone back to 1740 now. Family Tree now totals 1,500 plus. Found cousins in America,Canada, now who would have thought. Found Doctors, Vetenarians, a war hero or three. Guard at the Tower of London.



I have Mum XX She looks so young, must post a picture.
Brothers, good men both of them, although one lost his way, but is now OK And the elusive sister, who turned up several months ago after 25 years X (Mrs bucket). She has not changed, that could be to do with the plastic surgery. Thats another story. And nephews and a neice XX, Aunty, mums sister, cousins, I could go on.

Its not all doom and gloom.

Please be with me when I am down.
You might be here yourself one day. I hope not XXXX

Barb X

Went away from the computer.
Thought to myself, I should count what I have got, family.
Some have no one.

 

[danny]

Hi Barb,you sound alot better this evening.

Your sister sounds a bit like mine,I still have my northern accent,I don`t think my sister ever did

 

[lesmisralbles]

Hello Angela

I sound a lot better this evening, no, I am just the same.
Perhaps the sounds I am making are reaching diferent ears.
By that I mean, we cannot always be happy, and we cannot always be sad.
I am in the middle at the moment, being pulled one way one day, and another way the next.
I am happy to talk to you
Then, I am sad, its a bullocks of a way to live, but, I am sure I will reach a spot where I am glad to be.

Barb X

 

[lesmisralbles]

Angela

Sister thinks she sounds posh

Yea right

Barb X

 

[christine_batch]

Hi Barb and Mum,

I still cry everyday, so very angry that my soul mate like yours is no longer with me.

Have got off to a fine art putting on the FACE but when I am by myself I can let the tears flow.

Peter's Country & Western belt is still on my dressing table where he left it. Still have the B.B.Q. unused. Not ready to declutter yet.

I could not have got through this without my children and my Grandchildren. Another Grandchild due is 6 weeks. My youngest son and his wife ....1st baby.

Had a really bad night caught a chesty cough and it is not because of smoking, honestly it is not. Will give up one day.

I do hope your Mum is well.

Take care of your self

Love Christine xx

 

[lesmisralbles]

Hello Christine

I still cry everyday, so very angry that my soul mate like yours is no longer with me.

Have got off to a fine art putting on the FACE but when I am by myself I can let the tears flow. Quote: Christine


Christine
Let the rivers flow, I know that was a song, but tears do help.
Brave face, I am sick of doing that, so if I feel a sad one coming on, I will let it go, and I do not care who is there.

Let them deal with it, thay might have to one day.
So, lead the way XXX

Barb XX

 

[Lynne]

Dear Barb

Glad you are still around, sad that you are 'down' but not any surprise there, obviously.

I think you were right to tell Ron 'no' when he asked, for what it's worth.

Best wishes

.

 

[florence43]

Beautiful words

Barb,

You can express yourself so beautifully. I held my breath as I read your first post, and exhaled finally with tears in my eyes. Your words clearly come from an immense love for Ron, and I want to say thank you for sharing such personal thoughts. They are truly beautiful. Really soft and full of love and loss.

I feel privileged to have been invited into your thoughts.

Your words come straight from the heart which leads me to think that the word "no" was answered by your heart, not your head. That's you Barb, it was the only answer you could give, and because your heart is breaking, the words are now pouring out. They are coming in beautiful poetic emotional waves.

Do take great care, Barb.

Lean on us...

x x x x

 

[jimbo 111]

Havinglost my wife recently after 60 years of marriage I have ,and still am going through the emotions so eloquently described by so many posts on this thread
THe one that caught my eye today was that of Lynnes with the drawing of the two 'fags'
it is about thirty years ago that I packed up smoking but since
Helen died I have a terrible longing for a cigarette
I sit out on a seat in the garden, quietly thinking about how much I have lost and how I wish I had been a better huband and I just crave for a smoke
One of Helens favourite songs was Val Doonican singing
If I Knew then What I Know Now --How apt that song is
In the past I have like most of us have, sympathised with people who have lost their loved ones I have lost my parents ,brothers and sisters. Iam the last of my family alive ,but without any disrespect to all of my l0ved ones I could not imagine the torment I have felt since Helen died
jimbo 111