Well we picked mum up from the Assessment Centre on Monday, we couldn’t believe it we thought we would be there for ages but no they were almost pushing her out the door. The journey to the CH was great, mum so enjoyed it, it really was like breaking someone out of prison and in my naivety I truly felt she would be so happy with the CH that we had found for her (no matter how hard I try I just cant get my head round the fact that she doesn’t really remember anything 5 seconds after it happened). She was like a frightened rabbit caught in the headlights when we arrived, holding on to me and sister for dear life. She could not understand why she had to stay and had no recollection of the Assessment Centre and kept saying that she could not stay at the CH. The staff were lovely and we spent about 7 hours with her there, although we kept disappearing and then coming back in the hope that she would know that even if we went we would always be coming back, but that didn’t work at all. It broke my heart to leave her there but we did. We rang the social worker to let him know that mum was there safe and sound to be told that we had inappropriately placed mum and the CH had broken some rule or another, we couldn’t believe it because it had all been agreed the previous week, plus they said she would have to be moved, I was so angry and have now said they have to put everything in black and white and we will be seeking legal advice, how bad did they need to make us feel, now not only had we dumped her we had also put her in the wrong home, it really made my feel like jumping in front of a bus, as obviously we were selfish inconsiderate daughters. Tuesday my other sister went and things were no better and she kept asking to leave, so she came away distraught. I rang yesterday morning to see how things were and they said she was in pain with back etc and had been soaking wet in the night. They are struggling to get incontinence pants from the NHS, so I said I would go and get a load to tied her over as I couldn’t leave her like that, but how dare the NHS leave people like that, how cruel can this whole thing get. Anyway I then drove over to see her (approx hour away) to take stuff etc, oh she was so beside herself I can’t tell you, she begged me to take her out of there, but yet all the staff say she is absolutely fine when I am not there. What do I do though, I can’t bear not to see her but then if I do, do I make it worse for her, and am I just being selfish about the whole thing. It looks now like the Parkinson’s she has, has started to take a hold, and the Alzheimer’s is getting worse and the low blood flow caused by the vascular with low blood pressure plus other bits is going to continue to cause mini blackouts (which the consultant has said will probably be what kills her in the end) as it stops the blood flow to the brain. I just wonder how many tears can a person cry, I think I could of filled loads of lakes by now and if you put everyone from TP together we could of filled an Ocean! It is ripping me in 2 and I truly felt that I could not cope yesterday and almost gave in to anti-depressants, not that there is anything wrong with them I just would prefer not to go down that route. Now it looks like my daughter has come down with an illness she has previously suffered from which the last time put her in hospital, god I just don’t know if I am coming or going and yes I think I just feel sorry for myself. I know there are plenty on here that are going through so much worse which to be honest makes me feel ‘what have I got to complain about’. On a brighter note, it looks like SS have backed down and they have at long last put something in writing to me – We will see. Really sorry for such a long post, I do have a bad habit of rambling.
I Cant Stand This - Update
- Thread starter Jane3006
- Start date
Oh dear Jane, you do have a lot going on at present.
AFA your Mum is concerned, I think you have to give it time for her to settle. Some folk settle immediately, others take weeks or even months. In the end you know it is the only solution for your Mum to be in care.
Your story re SS does not surprise me but I am glad you were firm with them. When a sufferer declines at some stage there may be a need to move to a more appropriate home.
I went through a patch where I thought my husband would need to move, but thankfully medication helped, the NH and other residents were tolerant, and now I am assured he can stay to the end.
More importantly I do hope your daughter is OK.
AFA your Mum is concerned, I think you have to give it time for her to settle. Some folk settle immediately, others take weeks or even months. In the end you know it is the only solution for your Mum to be in care.
Your story re SS does not surprise me but I am glad you were firm with them. When a sufferer declines at some stage there may be a need to move to a more appropriate home.
I went through a patch where I thought my husband would need to move, but thankfully medication helped, the NH and other residents were tolerant, and now I am assured he can stay to the end.
More importantly I do hope your daughter is OK.
Apologies not neccessary x
Dont apologise for rambling. You need to vent your feelings of sadness, anger, frustration etc. in order to cope. 'Bottling up' your emotions will make matters worse. Ive been where you are and know how difficult times can be. Im thinking of you x
Dont apologise for rambling. You need to vent your feelings of sadness, anger, frustration etc. in order to cope. 'Bottling up' your emotions will make matters worse. Ive been where you are and know how difficult times can be. Im thinking of you x
Jane, no need to apologise -- somtimes everything seems to go wrong at once, nothing seems right, we've all been there.
Hopefully your mum will settle, things will even out, and you will feel able to cope.
I hope your daughter is okay, and won't need to go into hospital again.
Thinking of you,
sleepless.
Hopefully your mum will settle, things will even out, and you will feel able to cope.
I hope your daughter is okay, and won't need to go into hospital again.
Thinking of you,
sleepless.
Dear BeckyJan, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time, it is often hard to know what to do for the best. I can't offer much advice as we haven't faced this yet with FIL still at home but I really want you to know that you should not say you are just feeling sorry for yourself. I am finding I can cope with allsorts of practical issues but it is the emotional side that I still struggle with. I know you will find the strength to see this through, because thats what we do 
and I really hope that everything settles down for you very soon.
and I really hope that everything settles down for you very soon.Spoke to CH manager this afternoon he says that mum seems to be quite settled, so I explained what she was like with me and asked if maybe over the next couple of weeks it would be better if I did not go so often while she settles. He says its my decision, so what does anyone else think. The whole thing is just so hard, I know we will all get through this and mum's well being is the most important thing, I just think I am losing the ability to make any decision now as nothing seems to be right
Hi Jane you must be exhausted - it is so hard to see someone you love go through all this. Having had to put my mum into a ch a year ago and latterly my dad I know just how you feel. The only consolation I can give you is that it does get better - well the feeling of abandonment and your mum's distress eases, obviously the reason she's in there doesn't. My mum would get very upset when I visited in the first couple of weeks but as she had lost her speech by then she couldn't tell me what she was crying for. She also developed a UTI which didn't help. After a time though she settled in and it was only a matter of 2 or 3 weeks later when we brought her out for a visit to our house and she asked who lived here? We had to pass her house to take her back and there was no reaction at all and now she is really well and bright and loves to see us. My dad, bless him, hated to go and see her there (he also has dementia) and when I had to place him in there 2 months ago I was worried he would be the same. Sadly he was already on the final road of this awful journey after 6 weeks in hospital so had little reaction. I can't help blaming SS for his deteriorating so quickly as they were trying to sort out funding for almost a month - during that time he stopped eating and the hospital did little to help. Maybe if he'd gone into the CH earlier his eating would have been monitored better. My friend also placed her mum into care earlier this year after struggling to cope and it took her a similar amount of time to settle in. Now she's fine and even though she's 91 has a lot to say about the other residents The staff did say not to visit her for a few days to start with but each home will be different. I hope your daughter recovers and does not end up in hospital - that alone is stressful enough without the worry of your Mum.
The staff did say not to visit her for a few days to start with but each home will be different. I hope your daughter recovers and does not end up in hospital - that alone is stressful enough without the worry of your Mum.
