Never any please or thank you

[junespoon68]

Hi there everyone. Hope everyone is doing ok I am just here to have another little moan.
I have been having my brother at my house every day now so I can make sure hes eating something.
The only gripe I have is that he never seems to say please or thank you. I no this may sound petty on my behalf but it is really annoying me.
We were all brought up with decent manners but this seems to have escaped my brother now.
I know it will be all part and parcel of his condition but it dont make it any easier for me. I understand that this is my problem not his and sorry for boring everyone silly with it but putting it on here seems to help me.
Sorry for moaning but thank you for taking the time to read this
June

 

[Jancis]

Hi June,
Gosh your little moan really struck a cord with me.
Just after we realised my uncle was seriously ill possibly with some form of dementia we invited him to stay with us for a 'holiday'. We didn't expect a miraculous improvement and it was very hard work trying to motivate him and engage him in anything. The only thing that made him responsive was the offer of food or drink. So we spoilt him rotten with lovely meals and often little treats and even the odd glass of beer (which he probably shouldn't have had). We were so alarmed that he never said thank you at any time for the entire month he spent with us. It really hurt my mum as she thought her brother had changed into a selfish and rude person - she just couldn't understand it as he had always been so polite and gentlemanly all his life. That was over a year ago now.

But it seems that this was a phase he went through as in recent months he has reverted to his 'manners' - well at least to my mum and myself. He said "thank you" when I gave him a present recently and went on to say "I wish I had something to give you". He also uses words like "Bless you" as well as "thank you". He is much more lovable just because of those little words we all take for granted.

We'll never understand will we? It reminds me of when I was a child and mum had to bribe me to go to the dentist by buying me a toy afterwards. I'm sure I didn't say thank you to her either.
Take care June,
Jancis

 

[Brucie]

I no this may sound petty on my behalf but it is really annoying me.

That's the thing about the disease - there are lots of things that frustrate us and they always seem so simple that we think [and sometimes shout] "why won't you just do... this, or that.

Time and experience tell us that we are asking the impossible. What seems simple to us, is a mountain to them - or they simply don't see it at all.

You need to recalibrate your expectations because things are going to get worse. No point in beating around the bush. You are at the early stage if you are worrying about this. We have many of us been there, so I'm not disparaging what you feel - but although we may have been brought up with manners, that is something learned, and dementia is the great 'unlearner'.

Celebrate that at one time he had good manners because many people who have never had dementia, and may never do so, have no manners throughout their lives.

Celebrate the good things that remain.

If you can't find any, then reduce your expectations and think again. For the future, it is only you who can change. Dementia is a tough customer and it takes no prisoners.

 

[turbo]

Hello junespoon68 (what a lovely username). Don't worry about having a moan. That is what TP is here for.

Turbo

 

[Bronwen]

Hi June...it hurts, doesn't it. My husband is sometimes very polite and caring and other times looks at me with such indifference and no thank you's or please's..we just have to remember it is the DISEASE (just like the devil) it isn't our loved ones..that may help you, I hope it will, but I do understand.

love
Bronwen x

 

[Grannie G]

My husband went the other way and even that was difficult.

With dementia his manners improved to such an extreme he thanked me for absolutely everything. Only when he started to offer to pay for services did I realize he thought I was a stranger.

 

[Jancis]

Hi June...it hurts, doesn't it. My husband is sometimes very polite and caring and other times looks at me with such indifference and no thank you's or please's..we just have to remember it is the DISEASE (just like the devil) it isn't our loved ones..that may help you, I hope it will, but I do understand.

love
Bronwen x

Bronwen, your reference to the devil is so relevant. I think this disease has been around since time immemorial. I don't see how there can be a 'cure' as such but we should strive for preventative care and supportive care and any possibility of relieving the stress to all those afeared families who are involved. Hope this makes sense.
Love Jancis

 

[Onlyme]

I have just realised that Mum doesn't say please or thank you any more. How did I miss that? I did notice when she thought she was visiting for the day about a fortnight ago she thanked everyone and said she had enjoyed her stay. It was so much the old Mum again that it was heartwarming but I didn't realise it was the please and thankyous that made it so.

Now is she back to not commenting one way or the other.

 

[florence43]

Moan away!

This is the place to moan! I have blabbed and blurted ALL sorts on TP and sometimes been afraid of what people would think. You know what? Nobody judges you here. It's so refreshing.

Other people in the non-dementia world would be shocked if I admitted just 10% of what I'm feeling. But here, there's always someone who's been through it or going through it...often as if your words were theirs.

Never be afraid to put fingers to keyboard (ooooh, how very modern!) and moan away. Nothing's too small on TP.

Oh, and counting to 10 usually helps...

 

[piedwarbler]

Some of my guests don't say please and thank you and they have not got dementia! I am just trying to see the funny side... My mum does say please but only when she is asking for the impossible, like please help me kill myself, or please tell me why I am so terrified, and I find that really hard to take.

Dementia really sucks doesn't it. But sometimes it is the little things that get us the most and I think you are perfectly entitled to feel majorly cheesed off! I often feel more cheesed off about the little things than the big things. Don't worry x we all have buttons and when they are pressed it's our turn to feel annoyed x

 

[MJW]

People with dementia seem to turn inwards on themselves. It's forgetting how to empathise: others don't seem to matter or even exist, even if they are right there in the room. If I give my father a chocolate bar now, he just helps himself and then puts the rest on one side without offering any to anyone else. He would never have done that before. It is very sad.

 

[Contrary Mary]

MJW. You've expressed it perfectly. We know it is part of the illness. But they are still our loved ones and it hurts.

 

[Tender Face]

I half smiled at this ... and half grimaced – my mum was such a ‘stickler’ for manners previously ..... reached a point not only would she not thank me for efforts .... but, as one example, after slaving over a stove cooking home-made, healthy feasts to tempt her – she would not only not say thank you – but criticise me for not having put enough seasoning in! Hey ho!

This disease certainly throws up challenges in all shapes and sizes – and yes, often the little things hurt most ....

Learning to ‘smile sweetly’ through clenched teeth seems to be an essential skill at times .... then run away (even if it's only to the next room) and post on TP!

Love, Karen, x

 

[piedwarbler]

Yesterday, Mum told my kids how rude it is to spit after just having a marathon and unsightly spitting session herself because she found something in her mouth she did not like! They just gawped at her, but bless them, did not say anything!

 

[junespoon68]

Thank you for all the replies it really does help to post on here. Will make sure i smile through gritted teeth next time. I realise that in months or years to come I will probably have more to moan about than this but hey ho sometimes i just cant help myself.
Many thanks again
June

 

[piedwarbler]

Hi June

That is what we are all on here for isn't it - you can't help how you feel about things. I was e mailing a friend in Australia today and she was saying she just couldn't have coped with dementia if one of her parents had had it - but hey - we are coping aren't we? (even if we'd rather not have had to!) Most of the time! And coming on here helps me loads too.

Last night the carer told me that Mum had been demanding that they ring me on Sunday and call me over. When they asked why she said "because I need a hug, that's why." Well that's weird, because my mum has always gone potty in the past, and I mean practically deranged with fury, if I approached her for a hug or kiss at the end of a visit!

x

 

[AMS]

When my mam was still capable of speech she used to say 'Thank you' sometimes after I'd given her a kiss and hug.

I swear to God it absolutely broke my heart every time she did this (surely such displays of affection are taken for granted in normal circumstances) but in another strange way I cherished her 'Thank you's as well, because it was - for her - sort of a normal interaction with me, instead of the usual incoherent babbling. At least I knew my hugs and kisses were registering with her.