my life is falling apart

[Fenners]

im so afraid, my life is falling apart, im trying so hard to keep everything and everyone together and im losing the fight.

Mum is going downhill fast, more confused by the minute, each day brings a new problem.

My son who is 18 and has always been such a kind and loving boy has turned into a stranger - a monster, he fights continually with his sister who is 22, he cant get a job, he is out all day and night with his friends, he no longer talks to us, he never lets us know where he is, we only see him briefly, he is rude and aggressive - not the child i brought up.

I came home from work this lunchtime after a really stressful morning, to my daughter (home for lunch) and son shouting at each other... my son had slept till 12 and therefore Mum had not had her tablets breakfast or a drink ... he normally does this if im not here, he has never forgotten before, mum was awake but now simply doesnt think to get out of bed and do anything for herself, not even make a drink. My daughter was furious with him.

My son said he hated this house, hates living here and hates his life, and hates us too, he was crying, this big 6'3" strapping lad, i feel absolutely devestated, i chose to move us in here to look after my mum when dad died last year, we had a family talk and we all agreed, but clearly Tom is suffering, we all are i know that and i feel like its all my fault, what have i done - i dont have a family anymore, my kids dont get on now, theres always tension in the house. Hes roared off now in his car, my daughter has gone back to work, mums asleep and i feel like i cant go on.

I love them all so so much, my kids, my husband, and of course my poor dear mum. I miss my dad more each day.

It seems as if we just go from one disaster to another, last week my husband was rushed into hospital, luckily turned out to be only a kidney stone, but scarey just the same ... what is happening.... im just trying so hard to do my best for everyone and its not working, we are all so unhappy... im so sorry for this post but im alone and frightened of what is ahead, i just want things back to how they were.

 

[CaPattinson]

falling apart

dear fenners, you sound at the end of your tether ! Different generations in one space, your mum ill and your father passed away, siblings arguing yes, it must be hard holding it all together.

can you get some respite for your mum, then you cd have a well deserved break an try to sort family differences out. When it was agreed to move in with mum none of you cd have know how it would turn out. Your children may not have understood how so very difficult it can be living with their grandmother with this dreadful disease. Your son is still a teenager, life is difficult enough at that age.

You sound as though you all need a break. I truly hope life gets less complicated and more harmonious for you all. My best wishes to you and your family. Take care xxxx Chris

 

[Jo1958]

Fenners, (((Hug)))
I'll be back but thought you needed that hug quickly !

 

[Jo1958]

Fenners, hi
Sorry about that. It does sound as if you could do with a break, as Chris suggested, could you arrange a respite for you mum and maybe ask your son to decorate her room while she's away, it's amazing the difference working for each other but not necessarily together can make (I'm not sure if that makes sense written down but hope you know what I mean). Not being able to find work is so very difficult for anyone but when you are young and starting out it's heartbreaking to watch, you must be so worried.
If your children didn't care about each other and the family they would ignore each other, not and answer but sometimes fighting is the only way we can show we care as siblings, awful for you though.
Oh Fenners I hope things look a bit brighter when your mum wakes up and your routine starts again. Sending you support and another (((Hug))).
Kind regards, Jo

 

[sunray]

Hugs from me too.

We were a multi-generational household when we took in Mum and Dad. Our children ( young adults really) found Mum difficult but adored Dad. He died four months later (Jan 2000)but I kept Mum living with us for another two year only putting her into care when my husband had stroke number four in late 2001.

It takes a lot of tolerance to look after someone with dementia and I am not sure that I would have had it at your son's or daughter's age either. Hope things get better for you.

Sue.

 

[Izzy]

Oh Fenners. Nothing useful to add. Just thinking of you and giving hugs. Izzy x

 

[gillian 1711]

Oh Fenners,

You really are going through it and it doesn't really help to know that others are going through bad times too!!! Just know that I am thinking of you and would private message you but can't see how to do it!!I am hopeless!!! You know where I am if you want to private message me and I'll reply.

Loads and loads of hugs, Gill xxx

 

[danny]

You are having a real rough time of it.The children thing is bad enough,believe me I am with you on that one,my two are the same ages,however ,that with the pressure of caring for someone with dementia is an almost impossible task.

Please,please,try and arrange for some respite.

I am really sorry you have all of this on your shoulders.

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry Fenners.

What you did with the best intentions has proved to be harder than anyone could have forseen. There`s no going back but a couple of weeks respite might give you all, including your son, a but of quality time together to reapir some of the damage.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Fenners,

I don't think I've met you before - maybe just in passing on the forum.

Your thread really touched me because it was so evident that you were under such strain in trying to keep all the plates spinning.
I remember what it was like trying to keep some semblance of a 'normal' life and it became more and more difficult. At some point I realised that 'life' made no concessions for dementia (or probably any other illness) and it just continues on anyway and we have to deal with whatever life holds for us as well. You certainly have your hands full at the moment.

This was a telling part of a sentence which I hope you can take some comfort from

My son who is 18 and has always been such a kind and loving boy

. This means that your son has the capability and if it was there then it can be recouped. The trouble is it seems that everyone is wanting a large chunk of YOU and you are probably having to spread yourself quite thinly in order to meet everyone's needs including your own.

My suggestion is that you try to import as much help as possible for your mother in order to make some breathing space for you.

Sending love and a (BIG HUG) x

 

[gigi]

Hello Fenners,

You've already had a lot of sound advice and wonderful support from TP members.

There are so many issues here that are troubling you it's no wonder you feel...

alone and frightened of what is ahead

..goodness..who wouldn't with what you're trying to deal with.

Any chance you could call another family conference and air your worries with your children and husband? Take a few days off work and try to organise some help for your mum via the GP or Social Services..or your CPN if you have one?

You really do need to start talking to the professionals here and ask for help, advice and support. You've made a good start by posting here.

I do hope that you can begin to sort this all out..it's too much for one person to handle alone. And you do need to consider yourself in all of this.

Love xx

 

[Fenners]

thank you all

Thank you - you are all such wonderful kind and caring people - whatever would i do without you all.

I hesitated before i posted,as you all have your own problems but just couldnt stop myself, i feel so alone in all this and i just needed someone.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.

I was supposed to be confirming respite dates this afternoon, and then confirming our holiday to our favourite place in Spain.... needless to say it didnt happen.

Well .... even though i feel so bad right now, i suppose tomorrow is another day.

Love and thanks to you all - you could never know how much your support and kindness mean to me. xxxx

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Fenners,

I can't add any more than the wonderful advice you have been given already.

Don't beat yourself up about past choices. You are not to blame. You did what was best at the time by moving your mum in with you and it worked for a while so must have been right. Your mum has just got to a new stage now and maybe it's time she went into more permanent care?

Or maybe it's time you got more regular respite?

If you could have that holiday maybe you'd get a chance to discuss all the options with your family.

In the meantime here's a BIG HUG
from me.

Maggie

 

[sad nell]

Fenners i felt your desperate hopeless feeling leaping from the screen, i think you are doing a wonderfull job , it is so hard to keep everyone happy let alone our selves, whilst coping with all Ad throws at us daily. Wish i had a magic wand, but if you ever need a scream am about late most nights, look afteryou in all this love Pam

 

[3rd generation]

I sat here and had tears running down my face reading your post - My mum has vascular dementia so I see it from your point of view BUT my grandmother lived with us - she also had dementia and I so understand your son. I swore I would never put my kids through the same thing. I remember watching her hurting my mum so much and feeling such anger and such helplessness. I didn't understand at a very basic level why my grandmother's needs seemed to take priopity over mine. And now it is my own mum and I understand what it must have been like for her. And then at the back of my mind I wonder when the same terrible descent into darkness will start for me!

But all you need to know is that you are not alone though you doubtless feel you are. Better times will come but your son needs you now. Make sure that however hard it is, that you make that time for him. Otherwise after your mum has gone he might not be there. Book that holiday and give yourself time to find some more strength to carry on. And a BIB, BIG hug!

 

[wendyviv]

Hi Fenners. I can only add that you do need respite care or help. I do know the trouble with your son because mine in 43 and has had to come home because he only gets freelance work. it gets very strained with him but it must be difficult for youngsters to see what ia going on and be able to do nothing. Roy has just been very aggressive with me and when I said to him that is the only way he can get rid of his frustration he just smiled. Mum is always the one who takes the brunt, if you can it does help to talk to one another. I know you know all this but I am thinking of you lots of lovewendy

 

[Jane3006]

Please post that you have now booked the respite and your holiday. YOU DESERVE IT and I know someone will be smiling down on you and saying 'Do It'. Sending loads of love and hugs to a very brave and strong lady. xxx

 

[sistermillicent]

Dear Fenners,
You have obviously been a lovely mum to your son and daughter and they will be all right - lots of people have a bad patch in life but their up bringing will mean they sort it all out in the end.

I too have had to put my mother first lately although she is not living with us, it has not been easy for the family to do without me both physically and emotionally but it is the right thing to do.

I think a tremendous lot of my stress is due to the worry that I will be like that one day, and I wonder whether my children are stressed by that too, we have had several conversations about the future for all of us. I have noticed that my daughter who is 23 and living at home again after uni, with no career prospects at all at the moment and what she thinks is a bleak future, is particularly unhelpful which is not like her.

I would not blame this situation entirely on the situation with your mum, life for the 20 somethings is dreadfully hard just now.

If you are doing what you know in your heart to be right, and I think you are, then things will sort out ok.

You are absolutely fantastic, and PLEASE book that holiday.

Love Pippa