Helping from a distance

[sregorj]

Hi! I am new to this forum. My 86 year old mother-in-law has early stage dementia but we live 80 miles away. Her children who live close, for one reason or another, are not committed to finding out how to help. She is very lonely, has some good days interspersed with days when she is very confused, doesn't know whether it is day or night and frankly wishes she was not here. She often says she has been up since 3 in the morning. If she remembers she is going out, she gets up in the middle of the night to be ready and then sits for hours waiting for her other daughter-in-law to pick her up. She has been known to go out very early for a hair appointment that she doesn't have only to return because the hairdresser is closed. She often says she would be better in a home but as she is still very fit for her age and enjoys the freedom she has when she is not confused, we tend to think this would be the end of her.
Does anyone have any advice on how she can be helped. I have read about the clock which tells night and day. She can still tell the time. She has just accepted meals on wheels (her pride would not allow it before) but the payment at the end of the week is causing her some distress. She is continuously asking my husband about when and how she can pay. I am merely trying to help her as I was lucky enough that my own mother did not suffer dementia but had ill health and I was able to have her living with us to make the final years of her life happy ones. It is such a shame that m-in-law is so unhappy and finding it difficult to cope with her condition.
Any suggestions?

 

[Devonmaid]

I am so sorry, I live about 200 miles from my Mum who is very ill right now, she has demetia and has just had a hip operation so i know how hard it is when you arent on the doorstep . Being in a care home neednt necessarily be the end for her , she may feel much safer being taken care of and knowing that someone is there 24/7 . I know its hard , I felt just the same as you are doing now but if your MIL has actually said she would be better off in care , then maybe you should consider it ? It can be real peace of mind as long as you pick the right one for her , peace of mind for her too, good luck

 

[vsb1001]

This all sounds familiar.
We bought my Mum a clock with time and day and date on it, but it was where a radio used to be and I think when she tried to turn the radio off, she was actually changing something on the clock, so that didn't work. We can waste a lot of money buying things we think are going to solve a problem.
With the meals on wheels, can they not send a bill to you rather than asking your mother in law for money? That's one little practical thing that might remove some anxiety. I used to pay the bills for Mum's carers and meals on wheels. It was from her money, but I took care of it.
My Mum's in a home now and having people around and activities has helped her. Everyone's different though.
Best wishes
Vanessa

 

[evedan]

Hi i know how hard it is to live a distance away..mum has just moved into a care home a week ago and so far so good is settling in.I have been to see her last week-end and she seems a different person...and I honestly think it is the company and being looked after 24/7...When mum was at home a direct debit was set up for meals on wheels so she did not have to worry about paying the delivery man ... hope you will be able to get things sorted!!!!

Take care EVE XX