When were we last carefree?
Hi Steve,
I can't imagine what you're feeling and I'm so terribly sad that you're feeling it. I have experienced grief & loss in 2 ways over the past few years. One is gradual and painfully slow. The other was unexpected and fast. The former describes my dear mum who over the past 6 years has declined with her dimentia. She now doesn't speak. Her eyes are empty and sad, and we've lost her. I don't actually know how I'll feel when she dies, because she's already gone.
The latter describes my darling dad, who died 16 weeks after a diagnosis of terminal cancer. Much too quick. He died 6 months ago and we miss him beyond description.
I think that having time to prepare, in both cases, has been a side of loss that you haven't been allowed. Living with the agony of knowing your parent will soon be gone. Knowing that they know that too, is unbelievably painful. I sometimes wished dad could have died suddenly, without any prior knowledge. I was scared that HE was scared. I sometimes wish that we hadn't known because we never wanted to say goodbye. We always wanted to believe they'd made a mistake! Wonderfully in denial!
I used to look at everyone around me and wonder why not a SINGLE one of them seemed to have a problem. They all looked so carefree and I struggled to remember what that ever felt like. I hated them. Resented them. Almost felt superior to them. It was quite overwhelming, but it did pass. I have to be a part of the community and I'm thankful for those commitments that force me out there. It keeps perspective on life I suppose. I'm gradually learning that many of those people are suffering too, but, like me, just coping. None of us carry a sign saying what we're feeling but it's human nature to find a way to manage...and you will. I'm absolutely sure of it.
So I've gone through 2 losses. One for real, and one suspended in life. At times it could engulf me. But I'm a mum, a wife, a sister and people need to know I'm ok. I need to know that I'll be ok. So I do a lot of my coping for them as well as myself.
Do you have family or friends who are worried about you? Can you share what's keeping you awake with them? If so, I beg you to keep your mum's name alive in conversation with them. In time, laugh at memories, characteristics, funny things she would say. What would she say to you now, as you sit reading this message? Would she laugh, scoff, roll her eyes? Imagine she's watching and tell her you're angry that she went so fast. Then laugh at things she may have found funny! It just keeps the relationship alive, even though you're doing both halves of it!
Got to say that at my darkest times there was only one place to which I could turn, and it was this forum. The freedom to tap tap tap away manically on this keyboard. Not stopping to think or check grammar. Just pouring out EVERY feeling from the pit of my broken heart. It was SUCH therapy. From out of my head, off my shoulders, and reducing the pain in my soul. Those who read & respond to your messages will become your family, best friends, doctors and physcologists! And even if nobody replies, you'll be amazed at what a difference it makes just writing your feelings down. Ridding your head of the heavy weight. Do it before bedtime and you'll sleep better!
But...these are my experiences and I wish with all my heart that you may find the same, in time. You will cope. You will start to accept your loss and you will live again.
I'm really so so sorry for your sadness. It's funny because most, if not all, stories on this site are tinged with much sadness...yet it is the best site I've ever visited. I have found it so supportive I can't describe the medicine it provides. In a nutshell...take a daily dose of TP, and gentle exercise.
No GP will have learned this advice at medical school, but in time the talking, discussion, sharing of experience, offloading of thoughts & questions will lead you on a steady road to recovery.
Please keep in touch and don't prove me wrong! My dad would have called me a right softie for pouring out my emotions on here! He'd have said this new-fangled stuff (internet!) was no help! But dad wasn't always right. He was human and I loved him.
Time and talking will take you in the right direction. Stay with TP and update us soon. We're all here to support each other. You may be able to help others too which will give you strength in another way.
Take care, stay strong and take baby steps. There's no time limit on grief, but there is hope as the time passes.
Thinking of you, sincerely,
Annie
