I have had to admit defeat.....

[susiesue]

I have had to phone the Care Home where David was due to move to at the end of May and bring the date forward to 15 April - two days before our 35th Wedding Anniversary

David has got more and more aggressive and on two occasions now he has hit me round the head - apparently he also pushed one of the clients at the Day Centre today too. As well as this I have had to get up five times during the night to clear up pee and poo and quite frankly I have had enough.

I really believed I could soldier on until May and in a way I felt I was doing my penance - but it is not to be - there is just so much one can take and I have reached my limit.

 

[turbo]

Hello susiesue, I have read some of your recent posts and wonder how you have coped for so long. Have the Care Home confirmed the April 15th date.? So sad this date is so near to your 35th Wedding Anniversary. Will they still take David at the Day Centre?


Turbo

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Sue, please don't look at it as defeat. The fact that you lasted so long is amazing and humbling. You simply are now going to care for David in a different way. albeit a little sooner than you had planned.

The fact that David is getting physically aggressive with you is more than a good reason to bring the date forward. Your safety must be a priority.

 

[Skye]

Sue, there is no defeat. Very few of us manage to care to the end, and where there is aggression, it becomes impossible.

You've coped with so much, and no carer should have to live in fear. I certainly couldn't have coped with aggression.

None of us can win against this disease, but you've done so well.

Love and hugs,

 

[bigtom]

Hi sue, so sorry to read your post but your not defeated i am sure you have done the best you can for david. but you have had enough, it"s the illness that has changed david he would be appalled if he knew the things he is doing, you must look after yourself and feel safe now. knowone has to put up with being hit david has reached a stage where he needs the care which you are no longer able to give. so please don"t blame yourself. when my syl has a bad day i have wondered how long will i be able to cope i know the feeling of being up five or six times a night and cleaning the bathroom floor then try to go back to sleepand being so tired then starting another day which is going to be the same all over again.sending a (((HUG))) and hopeing all goes well on the 15th of april regards tom

 

[Scottie45]

Dear Sue

I agree with all that Joanne has said,you must look after yourself to,you have done such a great job looking after your hubby please don,t think of it as defeat.You take good care Marian xx

 

[Izzy]

Oh Sue. I am so sorry all of this is happening to you. Like others I agree that this is the only option left to you. I'm sure knowing that won't make the process any easier. Thinking of you. Izzy x

 

[sussexsue]

oh Sue

 

[lin1]

Dear Sue

I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW YOU HAVE COPED FOR SO LONG AND SO WELL.

I couldn't have COPED with half of what you have!

It's not defeat it really isn't.

Now im going 2 ask you something that will upset you but don't mean 2 k.

If your hubby was able 2, what would tell you 2 do.

Im only guessing here
but think he would tell you 2 do what you are doing ASAP.

((((((SUE))))))

 

[Amber 5]

Dear Sue,
So sorry to hear that David has hit you twice. You have been coping admirably so far, but you must stay safe. It's not fair to either of you to carry on like this, so it is better to get that extra support sooner rather than later.

I feel for you, as I know it's not easy but hope that the benefits of full-time care for David will give you the strength to carry on. I too am amazed you have lasted this long - I was expecting after the last meeting/review that they would suggest bringing the date forward!

Take care.
love Gill x

 

[Bristolbelle]

A different angle not a defeat....

Sue this is a change in your relationship not the end. You still love David and will be there for every need he has that you can attend too. You will now have quality time, be rested yourself and heaven knows, that might even be as important as extending your lifespan so you are always able to visit him. What if you had a heart attack or something and were not here and he still had to go in care?
The guilt monster has got you in his jaws, but if you poke him hard in the eye he will let go.... just watch him, he is always lurking and waiting to spring on us all.

 

[Softy]

Hello Sue

Please dont think of this as a defeat you have done a remarkable job up to now and will still continue to care for David in a new way. You are a star and you deserve to have some peace in your life. As you know my Dad was violent and ended up being sectioned which took away much of our choice of the home he was placed into. You are managing this so well keep your chin up and try not to be so hard on yourself.

Softy xxx

 

[danny]

Sue,I have been reading all your posts.
You have been amazing doing what you have.

My thoughts are the same as Bristolbelles.

Just really wanted to say some words of support but can`t quite get them out.

Hope that your life gets a little more peace.

 

[TinaT]

Please don't think of it as a defeat or as something which you have caused. It is the illness and its progression and the care you have always given (and will continue to give) which has enabled him to be home for so long.

You are entering into a new phase which will have many challenges but you will still be the same caring person there for him as you have always been. You don't stop being a carer because he isn't home with you 24/7.

xxTinaT

 

[BeckyJan]

Dear Sue:

I agree with all the previous comments and just want to say 'you are taking the only possible action'. Somewhere in a factsheet I read that dementia eventually takes control - it comes to most of us. I am so sorry you have reached this stage but I do totally understand how desperately sad you feel.

Thank God for TP! Keep posting.
Love

 

[Vonny]

Dear Sue,

I'm have to say I'm quite relieved because I had worried about your safety from some of your recent posts.

Like everyone else has said, there is no defeat, you have coped beyond endurance and you are absolutely doing the right thing.

It will be hard for you moving into a new stage of caring but you will both be safe. xx

 

[AdeleA]

Dear Sue,

I will be thinking of you over the next couple of weeks. I don't think the time can come soon enough.

you must not feel guilty - you are not guilty of anything - you are just DOING WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO SURVIVE. there is a huge difference.

Big hugs xxxx

 

[Nan2seven]

No, Sue, this is not defeat.
The time for you to have more help with David was long overdue.
I hope you manage to get through the next two weeks okay.
Thinking of you and sending love,
Nan XXX

 

[shelagh]

Sue, this sounds corny I know but love doesn't die, the circumstances have just made life impossible and you need to keep yourself safe. i hate this illness.
Love
Shelagh

 

[sue38]

Hi Sue

I, like many others on this site, regard myself as a coper- someone who can cope with whatever life throws at me. Then life threw AD at me, and it was a shock to the system to discover that it wasn't a problem I could solve.

I totally understand that it feels like you have admitted defeat. It was a while after my dad went into care that I came to terms with the fact that it wasn't defeat - just a different solution to the problem.

Violence was the deal breaker for us. I can't promise you that the feelings of guilt will disappear, but I'm willing to bet that quality of life will improve for both for you.