My wife is now living in a nursing home as her dementia has developed very quickly and she now needs to be fed, doesn't talk and can no longer walk or stand. Recently I have been supported by a female friend who my wife and I had known as a couple. In recent months we have become very close, but both feel very awkward. She has brought me a degree of happiness I haven't experienced for several years. I still visit my wife as often as I did before, and clearly I am not hurting her by being in a relationship with someone else. Has anyone had a similar experience of developing a new relationship whilst their very ill partner is still alive. This is completely new ground for me, and I'm conscious that, being in my early 60's, there may not be a lot of life ahead of me!
New Relationship
- Thread starter worldtraveller
- Start date
I'm in my mid sixties and my husband has been in care for two years. I haven't any experience of your situation to give except that one of my sons brought up this subject with me a few months ago. He made it clear that if I ever did feel the need for more companionship, he would be very happy for me.
As long as you do visit your wife regularly and continue to be very involved in her welfare, then I would wish you both good luck and be glad that you had found some form of companionship.
xxTinaT
As long as you do visit your wife regularly and continue to be very involved in her welfare, then I would wish you both good luck and be glad that you had found some form of companionship.
xxTinaT
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Whilst I have not had this experience myself I do have a friend in a similar circumstance.
He still visits his wife very regularly, in fact his new partner often does the prompting when he is feeling low. His children have accepted this new lady as they have seen that it has not damaged in any way the love/care he feels for his wife.
He was 70 when this relationship started over 5 years ago. I was so pleased for him when I knew.
He still visits his wife very regularly, in fact his new partner often does the prompting when he is feeling low. His children have accepted this new lady as they have seen that it has not damaged in any way the love/care he feels for his wife.
He was 70 when this relationship started over 5 years ago. I was so pleased for him when I knew.
Hello:
My husband is in a NH and I do not feel inclined to start any new relationship, but my children have already given me the 'go ahead' if I wish!!!!
If the situation were reversed and I had dementia, I would wish my lovely fellow to have another love; I know it could not be the same as 'us' but life goes on.
Good luck to you.
My husband is in a NH and I do not feel inclined to start any new relationship, but my children have already given me the 'go ahead' if I wish!!!!
If the situation were reversed and I had dementia, I would wish my lovely fellow to have another love; I know it could not be the same as 'us' but life goes on.
Good luck to you.
I'd like to say I'd be open minded enough to be understanding.... but, I simply could not.
If this were one of my parents, I would be mortified and find it hard to maintain a relationship with them.
Each to their own I guess.
Best wishes.
If this were one of my parents, I would be mortified and find it hard to maintain a relationship with them.
Each to their own I guess.
Best wishes.
I try really hard not to be judgemental and I fully appreciate that we all have differing life experiences but I would be very upset if I thought mum considered having a relationship with someone else whilst caring for dad but I am a bit traditional in my thinking.
But if others find happiness in another relationship then that is their choice and I guess as I have not been in this position it is easy for me to pontificate.
As Bev says; each to their own
xxx
But if others find happiness in another relationship then that is their choice and I guess as I have not been in this position it is easy for me to pontificate.
As Bev says; each to their own
xxx
It is, I think, that you are always a parent to your children (no matter how old) and your parents are always your parents (also no matter how old). It's tough to consider your parents as anything other than a set while we parents don't always think of ourselves as part of a set.
Generally, it seems that way. However, I was the exception. When my stepfather broached the subject in a roundabout way, I immediately tried to encourage him to find companionship. In his case, he and my mother had been separated geographically (British Columbia for him and Ontario for my mother) for a couple of years at that point. But I think that even if he had lived in the same town, I would have encouraged him. It was obvious to me that a true relationship was no longer possible between him and my mother, even if he had lived in the same town. In truth, no real relationship was possible with my mother for anyone.
I think that we should grab at the chance to be happy and not lead our lives trying to live up to the expectations of others.
worldtraveller said:
You could easily have 20 or 25 years ahead of you. Your wife may live many years or even outlive you. Should you live in loneliness for some unrealistic expectations set by people not walking in your shoes?
You appear to have given this a great deal of thought. I wish you the utmost of happiness.
I think you made a very valid observation Sylvia.
Jennifer you have summed the situation up very well.
Just as well that we can all make our own choices/thoughts.
Jennifer you have summed the situation up very well.
Just as well that we can all make our own choices/thoughts.
There's always talk about 'shoes' and 'walking in' either your own shoes or someone else's shoes.
Not one single shoe ever owned or worn by someone else will fit/has ever been known to fit another person, comfortably.
The 'bunions of dementia' leave different marks on everyone's feet.
So walk, with or without shoes, along the path that you choose for you. Don't allow yourself to be influenced by anyone else's bunions - because the chances are they will always be able to polish their own shoes to a much brighter veneer of perfection than your own shoes will ever care to display. But the bunions will still be there.
Walk bare-footed through your own chosen path - and make it work for you. Forget about the bunions of others.
Walk towards your own future happiness.
A quote to remember
Especially i like this part:
There is a lot in this for me to consider - I like this post a lot, Thank you, x
Especially i like this part:
I don't think anyone can be judgemental about this - all situations are different and no matter how much you loved your partner when they were healthy and continue to do so after they have gone into care life can be terribly lonely on your own. If you find someone to fill that void of loneliness and who makes you happy in spite of the sadness which will inevitably still be present this can only be good. I'm sure most couples talk about the possibility of the one remaining, after the other has died, finding a new relationship and no doubt hope each will find happiness again - this isn't really much different. Sadly both my parents have dementia and way beyond either finding a new relationship but should the time come when I follow in their footsteps I can only hope that my husband has the good fortune to find someone to go through the rest of his life with. Life is far too short and precious to waste it so do what your heart tells you. Good luck.
You are both spot on I think with your observations. I hope to God I am never in this situation with my partner. I cannot begin to understand how devastating it is and the effects that it has on you.
For sure, you always want to see your parents as a unit, and the thought one could be wanting to make a life elsewhere whilst the other is losing the battle against illness is, I think, something that would not be acceptable to many children.
Being perfectly honest (if that is what we are allowed to do here), I also wouldn't even easily accept one of my parents making a life with someone new after the loss of their spouse. Whilst you wouldn't want to see them lonely, you wouldn't want to feel your parent had been replaced.
None of us ever know for sure how we will feel unless we are in those shoes do we?
Beverley x
Very true, Beverley, very true.
I must confess, I was less than sympathetic when my mother became involved with a man when I was in my late teens (by which point my father had been dead for 8 years). The fact that he turned out to be a rotter was coincidental really: I don't believe that I had any great insight into him, I just didn't like him much. So by luck rather than judgement I didn't actually blight my mother's love life. And I don't really know how much effect I really had: she gave him the push when he started to say things like "well when she goes off to university she won't be coming home, will she?" Still, not my finest hour.
This is a toughy, as regards parents , my mother died when i was 11 and my father remarried, he asked my opinion and i gave them my blessing , because i thought that was what he needed , but i did not feel happy about this lady and later he asked why i had not spoken my true feelings and he would not have made the mistake, I just wanted him to be happy. As regards to finding companionship , whilst partner is in nursing home, think this can only be decided by yourself, you are entitled to have a life, at this moment in time the thought does not appeal, but hand on heart cannot say it might not in distant future, but you know if it feels right for you, sorry just rambling now, take care pam
