I've had enough!

[crystal tips]

Just wanted a rant with people who understand this evil disease!! My physically fit 72 year old mother has AZ diagnosed last February, her memory and confusion are getting worse. She is supposed to be the carer for my 84 year old physically disabled dad but is incapable of this obvious to everyone but herself. She blames everybody for everything we interfere, we don't tell her anything etc.
The straw that broke the camels back was yesterday. I visited on Friday when she was in a bad mood and invited her and my dad and also her sister who is at an earlier stage of AZ to my 10 year old son's birthday tea - which I do every year. I told her three times on leaving on Friday that I would pick them up on Saturday at 3:00 o'clock. I was a little bit late and when I got there she had no recognition that she was going anywhere and anyway they had booked themselves a hair appointment at 4:00 o'clock. To be honest I couldn't be bothered to argue I just wanted to take my dad - as I knew it would be a chance to give him a break and feed him up as she frequently forgets - and go because it was obvious the hair appointment was more important. They both declined my offer of a lift to the hairdressers and said that they would get a taxi up to my house later. Suffice to say they never arrived and when I took my father home - after he had had a good feed - they hadn't even been to the hairdressers aargh!! I was so cross as my son had been so disappointed not to see his Nanny he even told me to give her and his great aunt a kiss from him, bless!! I know its the illness and he knows she's ill, but it is so difficult if it was a broken arm or cancer we could talk about it. But she thinks that there is nothing wrong with her! Even though she told me the boy who died in the winter olympics was in her house before he died!
I just feel that I am not doing enough for them, I am not doing enough for my 3 children the oldest of which is 12, I am not doing enough for my husband and also trying to work full time in a very busy and demanding job! Something is going to give and I think it will be me and my sanity! I can do the practical caring if allowed making meals, cleaning etc but I am usless at battling this mental demon!

 

[Pescita]

I'm not surprised you've had enough, with so much on your plate. I've just read your previous thread to remind me of your situation - I wish I could think of any other practical suggestions to make, but at this moment I'm afraid I can't. But this is a good place to have a rant & know that you will be understood.

At times, dealing with someone with dementia can make all of your rational, practical problem-solving efforts seem quite futile! And when it's someone close to you, there is that emotional aspect which is so hard to put to one side, even when your head tells you that their behaviour is only due to their illness.

Are you getting much support from your sister?

 

[Vonny]

You know the old saying: "you can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time but never all the people all of the time".

I think this is especially true for carers and the one person who can't be pleased at all is the carer themselves because they are the ones trying to jam a quart into a pint mug and it can't be done.

I don't have any practical advice I'm afraid. Your husband will hopefully understand and I hope the people at work cut you some slack when the going gets tough, but your children are still young enough to need their mum around, so if it was me and I was trying to prioritise, they'd be top of the list.

I know it's probably impossible, but please try and squeeze a little "me time" in for yourself as well. xx

 

[dancingmum]

cramming a quart into a pint pot

I feel so sorry for you crystaltips but can empathise totally. My dad is in denial about his condition (mild/moderate mixed type dementia) and I know I am spreading myself too thinly as I work full time, was widowed in 2000 and have 2 daughters 20 and 16 who still need me (your children always need you irrespective of their age). Mum is also quite frail but fortunately we live next door to each other so stick together. Taking "me" time is the biggest challenge as I always put others first as they have always supported me through the trials and tribulations of the past 10 years.
Bit worried about my memory though; am becoming v forgetful but am told stress is a contributor to this.
Keep going; we have no option

 

[crystal tips]

Thank you all for your replies, it is great to know that there are others out there who understand the world of denentia we find ourselves living in!

Pescita - thank you for taking the time to look back at my previous threads that means a lot. Unfortuantely my sister is now part of the problem, she has gone to Australia for an extended holiday originally for 6 weeks but is now away for another month! She does loads - and is allowed to do loads - when she is here for my parents, but has a tendancy to get fed up with things and move on/away. I think her thoughts are definately to move abroad eventually, and I do worry how I will manage when its just me. I do what I can do (not much maybe) but it is constant I will always live in the same town as them, whereas with my sister its full on and then she is away for weeks or forever. I don't think it helped yesterday when my father told me how he was looking forward to having her home as she cooks meals for them! It made me feel quite resentful as I have been making food when I am allowed and doing internet shopping as well as things behind the scenes, arranging tablets, speaking to the CPN and taking my mum to memory clinic. Combining this as I've said before with all my other responsibility's.

Vonny - my hubby is great, always there with a hug when I need it, I just know I am not giving him the attention he needs. I feel with work that I am playing on my mother's illness as I am not her full time carer and she has carer's coming in, in the week.

Thank you dancing mum you hang on in there too, I know what you mean about the memory mine isn't as good but I think there is so much more to cram in than before!!

 

[Margaret W]

I think you are doing just great, and don't compare yourself to your sister, whose circumstances are different. You have a husband and kids to support, and day to day caring is so much harder than care now and again.

I can't advise, cos I've never been in your position, but others can, and I know you will be admired for your efforts.

Love

Margaret

 

[BeverleyY]

Hi

It is a frustrating illness, and you have to have a rant. Sometimes, I think I will have a stroke myself with everything I have to do..... then, it all seems to calm again and I think, it's no so bad after all.

I know I am last on the list.... with kids, job, Dad, husband etc. all up there higher on my list than myself BUT... I think they all get their share.

Hope this week is better and that your son had a fantastic birthday.

Beverley x