Visiting,Outings and returns

[smewigeor]

I visit my wife twice a week. She knows me but remembers nothing of where we lived or getting married etc and it is difficult to know what to talk about. She invariably wants to go out and is quite happy going for a drive round the countryside and having a meal in a restaurant or pub. the trouble is when we return to her nursing home. She refuses to go inside or even get out of the car, being very verbally aggressive and accusing me of dumping her in order to get another woman etc.
I know it is the disease and she doesn't really mean it but because of this I am beginning to dread going to see her.
What do I do?

 

[LesleyMonty]

Hello there, you should try creating a memory book to take with you when visiting your wife. I found this really helpful with my Mum. I put old photographs in it, letters from old friends and loads of family holiday pictures. As Mum had vascular dementia/AD and it affected her short term memory dreadfully, this was a useful tool for chat. Best wishes

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Maybe it would be an idea to explain the difficulties to the staff of the care home so that there is always someone around to actively welcome her back when you arrive.

Also, can you time your returns to coincide with teatime or supper, so that she is swiftly engaged in another activity? Or perhaps if you tell her you would fancy a cup of tea with her or a bowl of soup, you could perhaps make the transition more ordinary, and slip away more easily afterwards.

Also, can you leave a note or notes for her somewhere obvious letting her know when you will be back? Does she have a diary? If so, make a note in it for her. Or a big notice on the inside of her door reminding her that you will be in on Tuesday 8th at 2pm or whatever? Can you share the visits with other members of the family or friends? If so, keep a visible rota for her.
Just a few thoughts. Hope they help.

 

[Mameeskye]

Mum used to get worried when we got back.

"We're not going in here are we?"

I never knew if it was because she knew where it was or didn't know where it was.

So I started to say that although it looked horrible from this angle it had a wonderful tea room at the back. She would then trot in happily. She always got a surprise when all the staff spoke to ehr by name. I remember her looking at me one day and saying "Isn't it wonderful, they all know me here?"

It is hard to know if the NH is recognised by our loved ones, because they do not see it as often from the outside as we do.

When she was really unsettled I would only leave when there was a member of staff with her or it was meal time so there was something for her to do.

If this doesn't work maybe you could ask the staff for help and say as you arrive "I have a letter to pop in here." Park where you can see the car and leave her in the car and nip in briefly. Ask if a staff member can go out to the car and ask her to come in for a cuppa as you will be delayed.

It sounds rotten but sometimes it makes life easier if you tell a little white lie in these circumstances.

((((hugs)))

Mameeskye

It isn't easy.

 

[vdg]

I am glad to have found this thread.There are some good ideas that I shall try too.
One other question though, what do I say/do if my mother asks to go back to her old flat? Most of the time she cannot remember anything about it but just occasionally she asks me what is happening about it.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

One other question though, what do I say/do if my mother asks to go back to her old flat? Most of the time she cannot remember anything about it but just occasionally she asks me what is happening about it.

Tell her it's being painted or the floors are being redone or the plumbing needed a major overhaul. Complain about the fact that the work always takes longer than anticipated. Hopefully that will work.

 

[smewigeor]

Thank you for your replies and the suggestions therein.
My wife has dementia but she has not lost her wits, only her memory. She knows she is not at home but cannot figure out why. She refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with her and that everybody else is mad. Along with most of the other residents she resents not being able to open the door and says she has not done anything wrong why should she be punished. The NH is an excellent one, better than some hotels I have stayed at and the staff are most supportive. The local family members are very good, her youngest daughter does her hair for her in the home's salon every Friday and often takes her out for lunch but even she is finding that the strain of getting her to return is getting to much and often stays to lunch with her and slips away afterwards unannounced. Her eldest daughter visits once a week but is also beginning to find the strain of returning too much to contemplate taking her out. We none of us want to deprive her of her outings but even with the co-operation of the staff, who are very good, we find the experience of getting her back in removes all the pleasure from taking her out.
Once she is inside she forgets she has been out and is fine. We only have to find a way of slipping out without her knowing we are going because she wants to come with us, but she is already beginning to cotton on to that and tends to stick to us tighter than glue.
The staff at the home are aware of the problem and do help when we arrive but the contemplation of the inevitable verbal aggression and difficulty on the way back is almost as bad as the actuality.

 

[vdg]

Tell her it's being painted or the floors are being redone or the plumbing needed a major overhaul. Complain about the fact that the work always takes longer than anticipated. Hopefully that will work.

Thank you.I shall try this if it comes up

 

[Rootshalle]

Maybe it would be an idea to explain the difficulties to the staff of the care home so that there is always someone around to actively welcome her back when you arrive.

Also, can you time your returns to coincide with teatime or supper, so that she is swiftly engaged in another activity? Or perhaps if you tell her you would fancy a cup of tea with her or a bowl of soup, you could perhaps make the transition more ordinary, and slip away more easily afterwards.

I tend to dread the time of taking my mum back to the CH. But I think through when meal times or activities are due to happen so it gives a natural point for me to move on. As also suggested by DB I've found it incredibly helpful when staff welcome my mum back.

regards - Rob

 

[NewKid]

I find your post so very sad. You recognise that your wife still knows that no matter how nice the place she now lives, it is not home. Where you were, together, was 'home' and the life you both want back. You mention your wife feels it is a 'punishment', being deprived of the life she had... it must make you feel very down... and it is probably impossible to consider fobbing her off with excuses for her not coming home.

I am sorry I am not offering anything useful - although I think many of the suggestions here are worth a try as it would be such a shame for everyone if the outings became too awkward.

I have so often felt guilty for going back to my life and leaving my Mum in a place with no independent choices over her life and how she spends her day. Only 6 months ago my Mum was in her own home; now I am trying to sell it because I know she can never live safely there again. But I am in a different less lonely situation, as are many of us here, in also having a young family and a job to occupy me a lot of the time.

Just wanted to send sympathy for your situation really, there is no way TP can replace what you have lost but there is understanding here at least. Take care of yourself, your wife and family and maybe it will all become easier. x