Detached view point would help me make a decision

[fredsnail]

My father put his and my Mums dreams on hold so that he could spend time with my Grandfather - he was sure there would be time after Grandad had passed on.

Sadly 19 years ago my father passed away aged 44, Grandad is still going strong despite various health issues.

We have at present put our lives on hold for the last 3 or 4 years to help Grandad through various health issues - but we are also aware that we are not getting any younger - and Mum still has dreams she wants to do before she is unable to do them.

I know that we have to seize the day - it won't be many more years before I'm at the age my Father was when he passed away, and I don't want to be left wishing I'd done things differently.

Grandad is being very well cared for even if he's not particularly happy about being in a home (even though it was his choice to go into one). He's also still very "cute" at manipulating/emotionally blackmailing people.

I would find it difficult to go for 18 months - but technology is on your side with video recorders, even the internet to send photos, video files on (messages to your mum). Even if we have a few days away we are checking the phone for messages from the home etc as there are no other relatives nearby.

I would say go for it - but with the proviso that you be prepared to travel back if required.

 

[botanico]

Hi

I think this is a really difficult one. My sister moved abroad and I don't blame her for that, but it left me with the main responsibility for everything that happened to both my mother and father. So I would agree with the view that it would be good to discuss the matter with your brother, for me the last thing I would want would be a rift with my sibbling. I do though agree that you have your own life and it can't stop because you mum has got ill. I would also ask yourself, would you have gone if she had been well? because If you would then I am not sure it is right to change your plans because she is ill. My only suggestion would be, is there any chance of a compromise?. I assume you would like to be away for a continuous period but would it be possible to maybe go for several shorter periods? If not then I think you must do whatever will make you happiest and be prepared to take responsibilty for that decision and not allow yourself to feel guilty because of it.

 

[beelist]

What you think your Mum would have said

Most Mums would tell you to go, keep in touch, but go. That is the sacrifice parents make when they send their children into the world, hopefully after preparing them well for the experience.
On the other hand, at the moment I fly from the US every three weeks to spend three weeks with my Dad. Because I want to. Once he is more settled, and Mum is well settled well things might change. I realise that I will then get on with my life. Or maybe I will be torn with guilt...who knows
This problem is one that only each individual can decide. I wish you luck and hope you go.

 

[JPG1]

Accentuate the positive, and eliminate the negative ....

Regrets perhaps, beelist. But hopefully not guilt.

We may be torn asunder by many many feelings, and some of those feelings may well turn out to be positive input into (y)our life (even though you/we would not recognise them as such at the time). Other feelings that may well also tear you/us asunder will be the negatives. That's life; that's the positives and the negatives of living.

There is no place for guilt in the world of dealing with dementia, or in the world of living. In my opinion.

Some may think that my title for this thread is simplistic, but it is seriously considered. Otherwise, what is the point of living? With or without dementia in our world, in our life, in our beings.

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[Izzy]

I can empathise with you totally! I am 58 and although it is my husband who has AD my 92 year old mother lives with us and gets very 'down' if we suggest we will be going away by ourselves. Although I haven't contemplated a long term trip as I work full time I would be feeling exactly as you do if I had that opportunity. I am lucky in that my brother comes through and takes care of mum when we go on holiday but although he is retired he works abroad as often as he can and I think he is right. If the opportunities present themselves then I think you need to find a way to take them -we're not as young as we used to be (!!)and we need to do what we can when we can. I find that Skype is a great thing - although my mum can't work out why she's seeing my brother on the screen she loves the fact she can see and hear him! We're off to Morocco in Oct - sadly only for 2 weeks but for me travel and independence is so important. Luckily my brother will look after mum when we are away and hopefully Skype will come into play again. Mum doesn't like it but but I need to make the best of the time I have with Bill (he's the one who actually has AD!) and I intend to do it. I realise your chance of an extended period of travel is a different thing but I you have to do what is best for you and what leaves you feeling reasonably good about it all. Sorry for the ramble but I do understand where you're coming from. Izzy x