Hello, I read the posts on this forum often and it has been a help with many of our problems with mum but just recently It is becoming more difficult to communicate with her. Mum moved to a supported living house 9 months ago. The staff are wonderful, patient and caring, but mum just cant seem to settle. She continually thinks the staff or more recently me or my sister are hiding her things(she puts things away and forgets where they are)when I try to explain the situation, she gets cross saying we dont listen to her and we are terrible children. She also tells the staff we dont visit or care about her, we do virtually every day! she also says strange things about the other residents of her house, there are 5 other people living there, with varous problems. Every time I see her now we quarrel, I dont want to contradict her but when she accuses the staff of stealing, not giving her meds or of my sister neglecting her, (she says the same of me) I feel I need to tell her the truth. I dread visits now and often come away in tears. We are both at the end of our tether. How can I deal with what she says without going round in circles. She has AD and is on Aricept. Any advice would be welcome.
Dont know how to help mum anymore
- Thread starter sandie
- Start date
Hi Sandie,
I imagine the staff will be used to accusations which are untrue, they will be used to dementia patients and lots of different behaviours. Have you talked to them (and the manager) about your concerns? If you are all aware that these accusations are false, there isn't really any cause for alarm and you can try to turn the subject when your mum starts accusing you/your sister/the staff.
This could be just a phase your mum is going through. My mum has been through a few personality changes over the last few years.
I'm sure there will be others along soon who have more ideas of how to cope.
Good luck
Vonny xx
I imagine the staff will be used to accusations which are untrue, they will be used to dementia patients and lots of different behaviours. Have you talked to them (and the manager) about your concerns? If you are all aware that these accusations are false, there isn't really any cause for alarm and you can try to turn the subject when your mum starts accusing you/your sister/the staff.
This could be just a phase your mum is going through. My mum has been through a few personality changes over the last few years.
I'm sure there will be others along soon who have more ideas of how to cope.
Good luck
Vonny xx
If at all possible it is best to 'go along' with what mum says rather than have direct confrontation. If she accuses you or the staff of hiding things it may be a way out to say that you must have put them somewhere and then say that you will look for whatever it is she thinks is missing.
xxTinaT
xxTinaT
I know it's very difficult when you are dealing with someone who is telling you something that you know to be a falsehood, but you are going to have to try to get over this feeling that you need to tell her the truth because, to be honest, you're on a hiding to nothing. As far as she's concerned she can't remember it so it couldn't have happened.
Hi Sandie,
The others are right. Don't feel you have to tell the truth, and definitely don't argue!
It's impossible to win an argument with someone who has dementia, you just go round ever-decreasing circles.
If your mum accuses people (or you) of taking things, just say they might be lost, and you'll help her look. Don't say she must have hidden them, or put them away, she'll have forgotten, and will think you are getting at her.
And don't worry about the staff, they've seen it all before. If you get chance, watch how they handle your mum when she begins to accuse people. They may try to divert her, by suggesting a cup of tea, for example, and you could try this and see if it works.
Don't argue if she says you haven't visited, just say that you'll come again tomorrow, or that your sister will.
Do you see what I'm saying? The object is to calm your mum, not get involved in arguments. If you can see it as part of her illness, you'll enjoy your visits so much more, and hopefully won't come away in tears.
Love,
The others are right. Don't feel you have to tell the truth, and definitely don't argue!
It's impossible to win an argument with someone who has dementia, you just go round ever-decreasing circles.
If your mum accuses people (or you) of taking things, just say they might be lost, and you'll help her look. Don't say she must have hidden them, or put them away, she'll have forgotten, and will think you are getting at her.
And don't worry about the staff, they've seen it all before. If you get chance, watch how they handle your mum when she begins to accuse people. They may try to divert her, by suggesting a cup of tea, for example, and you could try this and see if it works.
Don't argue if she says you haven't visited, just say that you'll come again tomorrow, or that your sister will.
Do you see what I'm saying? The object is to calm your mum, not get involved in arguments. If you can see it as part of her illness, you'll enjoy your visits so much more, and hopefully won't come away in tears.
Love,
Im with Jennifer on that one. Don't try and reason or argue it will get you nowhere. I know it's hard. I have had to learn a whole new way of communicating with my mum. Listen to you mum's 'troubles' but remember that a lot of what she says is the dementia and she WILL forget the conversation and probably move onto something else that is bothering her! Don't be drawn into it. As was suggested to me, take a notebook and write down her worries so that your mum feels that something is being done. If she moans, try to skirt around it and say that you will have a word with such and such a person and try and change the subject. DON'T try to put her straight with your thinking because your mum doesn't think the same way anymore. That's the hardest part to change in your own head. Does your mum have anything else that can fill her time when you are not there so that when she sees you she can talk about that instead of getting upset with people stealing her things? She sounds like she needs to be distracted with something else maybe.
Can only go on my own experiences with mum so hope this helps! xx
Can only go on my own experiences with mum so hope this helps! xx
Thank you all for your advice. We try not to argue or contradict and if we can distract her with a walk around the garden or start her talking about the war (she is 85) that sometimes does the trick. However, she has a very determined charecter,and even when she cannot remember your name, she seems to be able to recall whatever it is that is bothering her! she can be relentless and sometimes we can feel exsausted by it. I think the hardest thing is the loss of the rational person she was, and having meaningful conversations about normal things. I know this sounds bad but often wonder if she would notice if we didnt visit at all. Her carers sometimes say that she is more agitated after we have been to see her. I dont know what to do for the best. Thank you for your comments.Love Sandie
The difficulties of a loved one
Hiya
I know exactly how you feel..im my mums main carer and although i do everything for her im still the one she blames for everything and i can understand how your feeling its heartbreaking..but what you need to try remember is that you cant reason with them they are unfortunaltey irrational. You have to answer their question or statement with another one.. so if she says the staff didnt give her her pills, tell her you will ask them to give them her before you leave by the time you leave she wil probably have a bee in her bonnet about something else.. if she says someone has taken something, then say you will help her find it after a walk in the garden ..you have to just keep postponing there irrational thoughts like you do a child buging you for a new toy, its hard, its repetitive but unfortunatley thats how it works till they stop asking , not to degrade our loved ones who are adult in age but not brain capacity you have to reason with them the same way you reason with a toddler who is at the age of saying why why why to everything you say. its hurtful as we realise how much of the person we once knew is now gone.. my mum has az but is now dying from cancer as well... i think back all the times i lost my rag and argued the toss with her to now think it wasnt worth itand now her conversation skills and speech have nearly all gone i sometimes wish she would argue back with e or accuse me of somet just to see that bit of fiesty life back in her. It is tough as you have to learn a new way to talk to your mum and teach yourself how to answer her complaints but you will manage and you will find a way...your mum is probably agitated because sometimes at the stage yur at with your mum although your mums mouth is saying one thing to you in her own head she knows it doesnt seem right adn althugh she cant voice it shs probably having a battle in her own mind of the right and wrong things shs coming out with..my mum used to say something hurtful or cruel adn when i retaliated at the beginning shed then bang her head and say i dont know what im saying and i dont know why and get upset. somewhere in there subconciousness she knows shes hurting you but unfortunately she honestly cant help it. well each suffer symptons are different theres no 2 cases the same as the docs keep telling us..so above is how i dealt with mum when she ws at this awkward stage..i hope a few tips might help you with your mum and if not then you can always come bk here afer a tough day and rant and rave about your visit and we will listen and talk and believe me it does help.
take care and wishing you some happy visits in the near future with yur mum. stay strong.
hugsss
julia (carer of mum - diane aged 57)
Hiya
I know exactly how you feel..im my mums main carer and although i do everything for her im still the one she blames for everything and i can understand how your feeling its heartbreaking..but what you need to try remember is that you cant reason with them they are unfortunaltey irrational. You have to answer their question or statement with another one.. so if she says the staff didnt give her her pills, tell her you will ask them to give them her before you leave by the time you leave she wil probably have a bee in her bonnet about something else.. if she says someone has taken something, then say you will help her find it after a walk in the garden ..you have to just keep postponing there irrational thoughts like you do a child buging you for a new toy, its hard, its repetitive but unfortunatley thats how it works till they stop asking , not to degrade our loved ones who are adult in age but not brain capacity you have to reason with them the same way you reason with a toddler who is at the age of saying why why why to everything you say. its hurtful as we realise how much of the person we once knew is now gone.. my mum has az but is now dying from cancer as well... i think back all the times i lost my rag and argued the toss with her to now think it wasnt worth itand now her conversation skills and speech have nearly all gone i sometimes wish she would argue back with e or accuse me of somet just to see that bit of fiesty life back in her. It is tough as you have to learn a new way to talk to your mum and teach yourself how to answer her complaints but you will manage and you will find a way...your mum is probably agitated because sometimes at the stage yur at with your mum although your mums mouth is saying one thing to you in her own head she knows it doesnt seem right adn althugh she cant voice it shs probably having a battle in her own mind of the right and wrong things shs coming out with..my mum used to say something hurtful or cruel adn when i retaliated at the beginning shed then bang her head and say i dont know what im saying and i dont know why and get upset. somewhere in there subconciousness she knows shes hurting you but unfortunately she honestly cant help it. well each suffer symptons are different theres no 2 cases the same as the docs keep telling us..so above is how i dealt with mum when she ws at this awkward stage..i hope a few tips might help you with your mum and if not then you can always come bk here afer a tough day and rant and rave about your visit and we will listen and talk and believe me it does help.
take care and wishing you some happy visits in the near future with yur mum. stay strong.
hugsss
julia (carer of mum - diane aged 57)
Hello - I am new to the forum but I just wanted to say I know how you feel.
I take care of my Dad who has dementia and I created what I call his "memory diary". This is only a small notebook that I bought where I write a reminder or an instruction on a seperate page. ie "Dad, please don't put your incontinent pads down the toilet as it blocks it. Put them in the bin by the toilet. I will empty it later". To informing him if he has a hospital appointment and what time I am going to pick him up for it.
I keep the writing very clear and uncomplicated. We having been using this system for a few years now (and gone through a few books) but the book had become something he looks at over and over again all day long. He trusts and relies on the info. It took time to train us both - I would forget to write in it!!!
As his "foggy" brain days (his words) have got more frequent it even has instructions to remind him to drink often, details about any medications etc.
I think the trick is to find out what works for others and utilise their ideas to see if it works for you and your loved ones. Take Care and Good Luck.
I take care of my Dad who has dementia and I created what I call his "memory diary". This is only a small notebook that I bought where I write a reminder or an instruction on a seperate page. ie "Dad, please don't put your incontinent pads down the toilet as it blocks it. Put them in the bin by the toilet. I will empty it later". To informing him if he has a hospital appointment and what time I am going to pick him up for it.
I keep the writing very clear and uncomplicated. We having been using this system for a few years now (and gone through a few books) but the book had become something he looks at over and over again all day long. He trusts and relies on the info. It took time to train us both - I would forget to write in it!!!
As his "foggy" brain days (his words) have got more frequent it even has instructions to remind him to drink often, details about any medications etc.
I think the trick is to find out what works for others and utilise their ideas to see if it works for you and your loved ones. Take Care and Good Luck.
My mum's topic of relentlessness the week before last was incontinence pads. I had to make an excuse to leave the room when it got too much. By the time I came back she had forgotten!
Hi Sandie, I too agree with the others, I've had some awfully embarrassing times with my mum, and have cried buckets, " emptied the well "
You will as we all do in time, learn not to argue, I don't disagree with anything mum says now, however ridiculous or untrue it sounds, I nod , agree , and say I'll have a word about that.
Mum went through a faze of not trusting anyone and thought we stole from her especially my GD who lives 1/2 the week with us and who wouldn't take a biscuit without asking,
if she says she cant find something I offer to look,
another thing I did was put a note in her purse saying what money she had in it then I could say " oh look you only had one 50p its here on you money list", she would be happy that it hadn't gone missing after all,
also I used to be upset when mum would follow my GD and her one best friend into the bedroom " they had to share " only to find mum sat on her bed clutching her bag and telling GD that she wasn't leaving the room until " you get "all" these kids out ".
I would feel awful for GD and embarrassed for her and her friend, my GD 13yrs never bothered, she would just tell mum " ok great nana we'll go "
Say anything that makes your mum think your on her side, and create harmony Mmmmm
Take care
Love Lynn
You will as we all do in time, learn not to argue, I don't disagree with anything mum says now, however ridiculous or untrue it sounds, I nod , agree , and say I'll have a word about that.
Mum went through a faze of not trusting anyone and thought we stole from her especially my GD who lives 1/2 the week with us and who wouldn't take a biscuit without asking,
if she says she cant find something I offer to look,
another thing I did was put a note in her purse saying what money she had in it then I could say " oh look you only had one 50p its here on you money list", she would be happy that it hadn't gone missing after all,
also I used to be upset when mum would follow my GD and her one best friend into the bedroom " they had to share " only to find mum sat on her bed clutching her bag and telling GD that she wasn't leaving the room until " you get "all" these kids out ".
I would feel awful for GD and embarrassed for her and her friend, my GD 13yrs never bothered, she would just tell mum " ok great nana we'll go "
Say anything that makes your mum think your on her side, and create harmony Mmmmm
Take care
Love Lynn
can supported living say mum must leave?
My mum has started to display this behaviour and it is so difficult. She is in a retirement village and the carers are taking it personally when she recently accused them of sealing her glasses and her cross and chain. I have tried the reasoning approach but as you have all said this is not possible as she can't reason. I have tried reassuring her but that seems impossible too. I don't know what to do - if I say I will do something about it she will keep asking what I have done, if I don't do anything she feels I don't care they are pinching her stuff! I can't write things down for her as she has very little eye sight and can't read. I am very concerned that the retirment village care team will want her to leave if she is becomming difficult.
My mum has started to display this behaviour and it is so difficult. She is in a retirement village and the carers are taking it personally when she recently accused them of sealing her glasses and her cross and chain. I have tried the reasoning approach but as you have all said this is not possible as she can't reason. I have tried reassuring her but that seems impossible too. I don't know what to do - if I say I will do something about it she will keep asking what I have done, if I don't do anything she feels I don't care they are pinching her stuff! I can't write things down for her as she has very little eye sight and can't read. I am very concerned that the retirment village care team will want her to leave if she is becomming difficult.
I can't say I haven't heard it happening (although not normally over simple accusations) because I have. A lot depends on how this particular facility is set up. If it's really "just" for the elderly and physically infirm they just may have no experience of dementia and not want to have any. Sorry not to be more cheery. On the other hand, if it's the carers rather than the management who are taking the hump, then maybe they simply need a bit more training. I think you're going to have to take the bull by the horns and address this with the management directly. The worse thing that can happen is what you fear will happen - she can't stay there. If that's the case then it's not the best placement for her anyway (although I fully understand you don't want to have to deal with it). That's the worse case scenario though.
Hello again, thanks again to all that responded to my origional post. I have a few days break from visits and am about to take mum for her weekly trip to the nurse for her dressings. I have taken on board all the advice and intend to try a new approach. I cant avoid feeling a bit apprehensive, I often do! but from here on in I am not going to take it so much to heart. This is such a horrible desease and she cant help the way she behaves. Once more into the breach!!xxxx
Hiya, Just wanted to say that along with what so many people here have said about not contradicting/arguing with your mum, I find that it sometimes help to actively sympathise. This might be difficult with accusations of theft but it really helps to put my mum at ease when she is distressed about other issues. I find myself saying 'isn't it terrible when people do things like that?' and 'I wouldn't like that either' quite a bit. That way I'm not directly agreeing with what she's saying has happenned (which would make me feel unconfortable at times) but it also gives mum the feeling that someone is 'on her side'.
Another side of the coin
Hello Sandie, I hope you won't mind me adding just a quick thought to this thread. Everything that has been said already should stand you in good stead and it sounds as if you have already taken on board the advice.
Through all the upset, however, I just wanted to ask whether you know if your mum really HAS lost anything recently? Because if she really HAS lost something, maybe something small but precious, then that might explain her anxiety.
It's so easy for belongings to go astray in care home settings. Laundry can end up in the wrong room, false teeth can grow legs, hearing aids develop a rambling streak. Not to mention wedding rings throwing themselves into far corners of a room as the wearer's finger grows thinner. My mother's spectacles had a fondness for the end of her bed, and on one really dreadful occasion, some favourite necklaces disappeared from a drawer under her bed. (I'm afraid I do think the staff or other visitor relieved my mum of those because the drawer was inaccessible to my elderly mum.)
It's horrible to contemplate, but is there an outside chance that someone at some time has taken a shine to something of your mum's? I wouldn't like to think that we are going to assume every last word of a person with dementia is totally unreliable because I think that if we do, then that leaves them a bit too vulnerable. The problem is how to protect their rights and dignity without falling foul of the carers. I'm sure you have thought of this already, but felt it needed saying anyway. I hope it makes some kind of sense. Kind regards .
Hello Sandie, I hope you won't mind me adding just a quick thought to this thread. Everything that has been said already should stand you in good stead and it sounds as if you have already taken on board the advice.
Through all the upset, however, I just wanted to ask whether you know if your mum really HAS lost anything recently? Because if she really HAS lost something, maybe something small but precious, then that might explain her anxiety.
It's so easy for belongings to go astray in care home settings. Laundry can end up in the wrong room, false teeth can grow legs, hearing aids develop a rambling streak. Not to mention wedding rings throwing themselves into far corners of a room as the wearer's finger grows thinner. My mother's spectacles had a fondness for the end of her bed, and on one really dreadful occasion, some favourite necklaces disappeared from a drawer under her bed. (I'm afraid I do think the staff or other visitor relieved my mum of those because the drawer was inaccessible to my elderly mum.)
It's horrible to contemplate, but is there an outside chance that someone at some time has taken a shine to something of your mum's? I wouldn't like to think that we are going to assume every last word of a person with dementia is totally unreliable because I think that if we do, then that leaves them a bit too vulnerable. The problem is how to protect their rights and dignity without falling foul of the carers. I'm sure you have thought of this already, but felt it needed saying anyway. I hope it makes some kind of sense. Kind regards .
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It's true what Deborah says. To add to it, some residents are themselves squirrels, collecting anything from anywhere that isn't actually nailed down.
Thanks for the advice
Thank you for the advice. I have arranged a meeting with the management and social worker re the issue of accusations from mum. I suspect its more the carers than the management although I know in the long term there will be a point at which they can not cope with her I honestly don't think its now as she is managing with support. I have also tried some the suggestions on handeling mum when she is on the robust stance of accusing. Just using words like "I can see how that would upset up" and "as soon as I am available mum I will call down and talk to them" did calm her down - she has got back onto it the next day and I have had to do the same thing again and again but at least she is not ranting and I it has reduced the feelings of frustration in me as well as her. Thank you all.
Thank you for the advice. I have arranged a meeting with the management and social worker re the issue of accusations from mum. I suspect its more the carers than the management although I know in the long term there will be a point at which they can not cope with her I honestly don't think its now as she is managing with support. I have also tried some the suggestions on handeling mum when she is on the robust stance of accusing. Just using words like "I can see how that would upset up" and "as soon as I am available mum I will call down and talk to them" did calm her down - she has got back onto it the next day and I have had to do the same thing again and again but at least she is not ranting and I it has reduced the feelings of frustration in me as well as her. Thank you all.
