Unravelling the past

[Tender Face]

Many of you know, I am slowly facing the task of clearing my mother's empty property .... It has produced every emotion you might expect ..... given it was my childhood home .... as well as accepting the loss of my beloved dad and now mum .... Coming across strange things in unexpected places was something I had learnt to expect and accept over the last few years - but of course, I had had no reason to delve into the deepest darkest corners of every cupboard etc. (I should add there have been moments of doubled-up, stomach holding hilarity at some 'finds' - both my parents had differing but remarkable senses of humour even in adversity which I am still 'finding' as a legacy!!! - as well as the gut-wrenching sobs which can accompany what for most would be a quite innocuous find) ..

Sorry, back to task and how this relates to dementia ...... mum was a 'diary writer' ...... (until the last few years when she could at best manage a pretty illegible note).... and I have found many diaries ....usually fairly short, but daily entries over many years ..... I have resisted reading them (not sure even if it's right I should?) but a couple of notes (she must have run out of space!!) have fallen out of some which took me aback when I did dare read them. One note, some ten years old, clearly indicates she is worried about her own behaviour ..... another, even earlier, clearly confirms my suspicion that she had been covering well that dad was suffering from dementia amongst the myriad of physical ailments he had ....

For some reason, mum had 'bundled together' the last ten years of 'complete' diaries - she never made a secret that she kept them, although I was never invited to read them nor did I ever ask .... Right now, I still feel too 'raw' to dare read them, but I suspect they hold some value in terms of understanding what she was going through in the very 'early stages' (although that I know will cause another inevitable guilt trip that I had never recognised her problems earlier )....

I almost wish I could hand them over to someone professional to analyse - in total confidence and with respect for my mother's and the family's privacy of course - in case some 'early indicators' would benefit someone somewhere?

Any thoughts?

Love, a rather fragile and bewildered, Karen, x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Karen,
I think you definitely should read them, but wait until you feel up to it.

I almost wish I could hand them over to someone professional to analyse - in total confidence and with respect for my mother's and the family's privacy of course - in case some 'early indicators' would benefit someone somewhere?

That's a good thought but here's one I have. Would you consider, some time down the road, seeing if your mum's diaries (suitably edited) could be published? Not necessarily a big book, perhaps something through the Alzheimer Society which could be sold and raise funds for the Society. Just a thought.

 

[sue38]

We are dealing with the estate of a lady who died a couple of weeks ago, well into her 90's. Because there are few close relatives, only nephews and nieces who live hundreds of miles away, we are involved in clearing her personal possessions.

Amongst them are love letters between her and her late husband, I imagine written when he was serving in the war. She has left a note with them clearly stating 'TO BE DESTROYED IN THE EVENT OF MY DEATH'. I'm sure they would be a fascinating insight, but we have to respect her wishes.

I think your mum's diaries are a different matter. As you say she made no secret that she kept them and left no instruction that they should be destroyed. I think you may find that they are a precious gift from your mum and you should keep them and read them when you feel ready.

 

[JPG1]

Dear Karen,

You asked for thoughts – so thoughts is what you get.

A diary is just that, a diary, a daily record of events that happened on any given day.

My favourite diary ’gift’ came from an uncle and aunt - both died 10-12 years ago now, but those diaries came to me in a box of ‘assorted dusty goodies’, of no real value to anyone but me. And a few date back to 19XX (!), and then onwards, and from their marriage until shortly before the death of my uncle, and a few years later his wife, my aunt, then moved into a care home as she had developed dementia. Her diaries were the most colourful of all!

The best are from the ‘50s and ‘60s, after their marriage, detailing every single thing they did that was worth noting. All the holidays they took especially to Switzerland and Jersey; the weather conditions down on the South coast where they lived; the numerous births, marriages and deaths of family and friends. And including the winning of “6 eggs and a tin of soup” and every single win at the local club. Every ‘loan’ to a wayward son who never repaid those loans - that was documented too.

So, you’ve probably guessed by now that I think you must read your Mum’s diaries … but not yet. Whenever the time is right. And you don’t need to read them all in one sitting, all in one reading. Gently, gently.

Only you can appreciate and understand and know the origins and the person behind the written words, as I did with my Uncle and Aunt. Different, I know, from a Mum and Dad, but nevertheless a very close family. Now may not be the right time for you to read them, if you’re still raw. Don’t even think about a guilt trip; you have no need to think about that. Absolutely no way could you have done more than you did, unless you’re Super-Woman, which you probably are ….. not!?

Just a few thoughts.

PS. Hope that the ‘strange things in unexpected places’ continue to be a legacy. No matter what you find.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Karen

It is nice to hear from you. I can imagine just what a mixed bag of emotions you are facing as you clear up your family home. With regard to the diaries, it seems from what you've written, that your mum wanted you to know that she'd written diaries and therefore she was informing you that they were there! They were bundled together which seems to say that your mum didn't want them to get lost. It felt like your mum treasured them and by her telling you about them, she wanted you to share her treasure. Keep them in a fireproof box (in case of accident) and they'll be there and safe for when you are ready.

Love and a (hug) in your loss

 

[Cate]

Hi Karen

I would imagine you are still feeling very raw from clearing out your family home, so I dont think now is the time to make any decisions. I would store all mum's personal letters and diary's for a time when you feel you can cope with yet more emotion. Personally I wouldnt hand them over to anyone, mum kept them for a reason, and my guess is, that reason is you.

I havent yet had the courage to go through all mum's diary's and letters, I know there is a huge bundle of letters my dad sent to her when he was a POW. Maybe I will never read those, right now I just cannot go through any of it.

So it sits and waits all nicely stacked up.


Take your time, early days yet honey.

Love and hugs
Cate xxxxx

 

[Incony]

Hi Karen

I would imagine you are still feeling very raw from clearing out your family home, so I dont think now is the time to make any decisions. I would store all mum's personal letters and diary's for a time when you feel you can cope with yet more emotion. Personally I wouldnt hand them over to anyone, mum kept them for a reason, and my guess is, that reason is you.

I havent yet had the courage to go through all mum's diary's and letters, I know there is a huge bundle of letters my dad sent to her when he was a POW. Maybe I will never read those, right now I just cannot go through any of it.

So it sits and waits all nicely stacked up.


Take your time, early days yet honey.

Love and hugs
Cate xxxxx

My mother wrote one diary, one year.

I have not found religion myself, but my mother was. Its circumstancial because my life has been driven by science and problem solving, and the consequence of that has been myself seeking purposse and reason.

I need to know the reason why. That has always led me the science path, because as i discover, i can trace and recreate history. The reasons become definative for the cause, and i can recreate them, at least if i have the means.

My Mother and Father were seperated at the time the diary was written, both chosen new paths and directions.

Fate often seems to choose a particular moment to play an important part in ones life, or perhaps one senses that and disregards others.

The year my mother chose to create a diary, was the year my father died from cancer.

"The saddest day of my life" she wrote, that day.

Even though the aim and purpose of the two lives had changed, the connection was still there.

Much later, my dear mother faded, in dementia.

I have no wife, no children to follow me. But the coming together of those two people created me, i was the consequence of union. A celebration.

Fate or maybe God chose that moment, I have no truth but my own.

History makes one, i sense. it should not be lost or disregarded, the future of us all relies upon what was, since it determines the path one follows now.

I take time to pursue the past, i sense the chaos,and leave the evidence to be discovered.

Ones truth will be ones own, now, or for those who discover it.

 

[Tender Face]

I have no truth but my own.

What wondeful philosophy, Incony ....

And thanks all of you ....

JPG1 - agreed, only I could now 'interpret' what was characteristically 'mum' (she was a rather complex character long before dementia!!!!) Strange she always told me 'never to write things down' ....... as just one example her keeping diaries alone give of her of her contrariness - 'do as I say and not as I do'!!!!!!!!

Yes, wanted to BBR (Burn Before Reading) ... then took to placing them in my new 'memory Chest' to gather dust for another time ... perhaps they should form part of the 'project list' ...? ... which may yet gather some dust until I am ready ....

Love, Karen, x

 

[barbara h]

I agree with other peoples thoughts about only doing things when you are ready to face them.

My mam died in July and my sister and i had the difficult task of emptying the home so i understand what you are going through.
My sister has a spare bedroom so she has a room full of boxes that we have still to sort through and we have only recently decided that we are starting to feel ready to face going through the photos etc.

Good luck with it all and hope all goes well.

love
barbara h

 

[Mameeskye]

Karen

Like the others do it when you are ready.

I tried to clear paperwork and letters in Mum's house while she was alive and did not succeed. I felt that I was prying. It has only been recently that I have felt able to start once more.

When you are ready, there is time

Mameeskye

 

[Lynne]

Dear Karen

I have resisted reading them (not sure even if it's right I should?)

Yes sweetheart, I certainly think you should, when you have healed a little more & feel ready for it.
In the meantime, guard them with your life; they are your Mum's legacy to you, undoubtedly as complex as she was, as complex as your relationship was at times.
But I think (hope) they will help chase away the bitter memories of the past few years, and rekindle your memories of the Mum she was in better times.

And yes, my Mum's house (now my home) is still bulging with unsorted - or at least undiscarded - paperwork of all descriptions.
I've tried a frew times, but the tears get in the way.