new to all this

[rhallacroz]

HI Lisa
Just read your post I have sent you a PM too. Oh poor you I supose you have to take mum when its right for both of you. When is that you ask. Maybe its best to be guided by Helen see what her advice is she must have seen this situation so many times. Are you going to look upon the initial visit as a short break and take one day at a time. I think thats the only way I could do it. Small steps you might be so surprised she might love the company she may even think she is back in her old role running a hotel. You just never know.
Keep strong remember the footsteps prayer you will be carried am sure.
Keep in touch
Angela

 

[roundy]

mums medication.

hello.
Got mum's medication changed today,got her a really mild sedative to stop all the mood swings,so lets hope it works. She was perfect in the doctors, really have to question whether she should be going into a home,might have a word with the cpn on Monday. Maybe we are just having a good week,but she seems fine really settled,the week before was a nightmare but been great this week!
Think am getting seriously cold feet about this home business.I know I have fought for funding and my husband says what was the point if I wasn't going to put her in anyway but I was,she was awful last week but that could have been anything,infection?? Oh I don't Know,its just all of sudden got real,theres no excuses now,can't put it off any more,the funding is in place,the home has her room ready and waiting,but after this week with her I just don't think she is ready.(am I just making excuses)
Gosh,sorry for babbling on!
Love lisa.xx

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Lisa

If you don`t go along with it now you know it will come in the future and you will have to go through the whole ordeal again.

It`s not a good position to be in but you have born the responsibility of your mothers care and have done all you can to keep her safe.

There is no perfect time to decide on residential care. We just have to make he best of a very bad situation.

Good luck. I hope it goes well.

 

[Skye]

Hi Lisa

Think am getting seriously cold feet about this home business

It sounds as if you're right! I can understand your confusion, it's an awful decision to have to make. I'm glad it was taken out of my hands when John went in.

I gather you now have funding? Is this for the home they refused originally? If so, I think you should go for it. The way things are going, you may be refused if you turn it down this time.

Also, the home won't keep the room indefinitely, there's usually a waiting list for good homes.

No easy, I know. You're going to have to be very strong.

Love,

 

[roundy]

If you don`t go along with it now you know it will come in the future and you will have to go through the whole ordeal again.

You are right,I know you are,this is about mum and not how I feel sick at the thought of this,just think am letting her down so badly,she trusts me soo much and thinks I do no wrong,she always has thought that,but this feels like the most wrong thing I have ever done! But I can't put me or my family through this again,hubby is being so good but that can't last forever.

Will call the home in the morning and maybe suggest friday as hubby is off so he can deal with the boys.

I see mums old neighbors looking and saying how bad it is for me to put her in a home,they have no idea how this is killing me and at the moment don't feel I will ever get over the guilt.

But have to do as I can't do all this over again in 6months or a years time.

THANKYOU.
LISA.XX

 

[jenniferpa]

Lisa - are the neighbours actually saying anything or do you just imagine they're saying something? If it's the former you either have to give to them straight or ignore them, but if it's the latter you may well be surprised about how sympathetic they are: they will have noticed your mother's deterioration and may be concerned about it.

My mother also trusted me completely - she would defer to me when it came to her welfare, and yes, that makes one feel as guilty as sin. I don't know whether I made the right choices (I think I did but..) but I made them with love, which I think is all you can do.

 

[roundy]

Yes they have,2 neighbors have actually said that "its a disgrace" that I could let mum go in a home after her being so strong in the hotel business,they have no idea what mum has been like over the last year, they only remember my mum as a landlady and a very strong one at that, been in the business for 30 years. I could only walk away from them,finding it difficult enough without starting anything down my mums road. Hate confrontation at the best of times but did get in my car and cried,nobody sees that do they!!
Love Lisa.xx

 

[jenniferpa]

Oh Lisa. What the heck has "being strong in the hotel business" got to do with her situation now? How dare people do this - no wonder you're conflicted about the whole thing. You know you're doing the right thing, so if all you can do is walk away then that's what you have to do. Mind you, breaking down in tears in front of them might give them pause, although as insenstive as they appear, perhaps not.

 

[roundy]

couldn't agree more! These people might have known mum for years but they have not even visited mum while she has been in her flat,which is at the end of the road where mums hotels used to be and all these so called concerned neighbors are! Think i have to come to the conclusion that everyone has their own opinion but am the one who has my mums best interest right at the heart of every decision I make,if it wasn't my heart wouldn't hurt so much right now.
People have no idea what this illness is like and the lack of understanding makes it more frustrating!
Thankyou for your reply.
Lisa.xx

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Roundy/Lisa:
I am catching up on threads and have just read the 'story' of your Mum and your dilemna regarding N Homes.

Please ignore unhelpful neighbours. Unless people truly experience this illness, no one could ever know. Even when we have experience we all know that each situation is so different.

I know you are dreading your Mum going into care. There is bound to be a settling in period, but hopefully your Mum will gain a new lease of life. New friends and support all around her. In no way are you giving up on her.

I do understand as my husband has been in a NH now for just over a month! It still breaks me up, but I know I could not have continued much longer.

It is good to know that TP has helped you. Keep sharing and posting.

Love Jan

 

[Christinec]

What others think

Hi Lisa,
Forget the neighbours. No one can know what a peson suffering from this illness is really like without spending some time with them. My Mum can still present very well for a few minutes at a time and I still know that there are people who think she is "a lovely old lady" and that she should be at home. No she cannot make a cup of tea and would not eat without prompting,nor can she remember the names of any of the long term care home staff after being there over 18 months or remember how to dress and is terrified of being alone even for 2 minutes. She repeats the scripted conversation sometimes on a bad visit every 60 seconds but for those seeing her in passing she can seem fine.
It used to worry me what others thought but you have to do what you know is for the best. It must be so hard for you when your Mum is young to take this step but sometimes other options do not exist. I am quite near your Mum's age and know if I was like this I would not want to burden my husband or children with the strain of dealing with me with this dreadful illness.

My Mum is safer and well looked after in the very good home she was placed in and there are people around so she is not sitting alone being frightened. My only regret is how far away it is from my home.

 

[roundy]

Well,for every ignorant person out there is a person ready to salvage your trust in human nature,went to pick boys up from school when a mum who I know quite well but not that well came up and told me that her uncle has this and her aunt wants to give me a ring to help,the mum in the playground used to be a nurse and has just chatted away with me about it all,she has even told me about a seminar in st helens by the Alzheimers society and she will come with me. How nice is that,was so impressed. has made me smile.
On the other hand,mum has been a nightmare today,wouldn't let carers do anything so had to give her a bath and just sit with her while she went on and on,didnt mind,had lap top to catch up with all tp news!!
Love Lisa.xx

 

[jenniferpa]

Hurrah for people like this Lisa.

It brought a smile to my face as well, and I'm not even there.

 

[roundy]

why has the support stopped?

Right,we know that mum has to go into a home,ss said this early November and i have dragged it out till now... The SW and CPN know how difficult I am finding this yet their answer to this is to vanish off the face of the earth,my mum is meant to at "critical risk" yet the last time we saw cpn was begining of December,not that I mind but today I needed to speak to CPN for a letter for mums acct just to say what she has and to say that she is going in a home,well,felt like I had the plague,mums cpn,who has been lovely throughout was just so cold,didn't ask how mum was,just wanted to get off the phone as quick as she could,then had a second conversation with her,all of about 2 seconds long,still no concern for mum,just come and get the letter but I won't be here!! Got the letter and was told numerous time Helen was not in the building,not that I'd even asked to see her,just needed letter for acct,it all seemed too much,that it gave the impression she was there but just didn't want to know. Just can not understand it,if this is usual that they back off when she is going in a home then tell me because I feel like the rug has just been pulled from under me. I was going to ask for help explaining to mum about the home and for advice about putting her in there but I feel so uncomfortable after today.She was just "yes and no",am so confused as last time I saw her she was full of hugs and really lovely.Phoned hubby outside the office quite upset,even he said how strange. Don't want to call them again feel really let down,is this what they do though, am I missing something,once they have a person down for a care home is that it,off you go and sort yourself,don't care how hard that is for you or your mum,it is nothing to do with ss or cpn now!!
Just really confused and upset that someone who we have got to know and quite like,I have sang her praises since day one,can be like this and not even ask how mum was doing!
Gosh,sorry about ranting on,but feel let down.

 

[roundy]

Just thinking...What a rollercoaster this is, up one day, down the next..talk about experiencing every emotion possible! sorry for the rant but had to get it off my chest!
xx

 

[roundy]

got a date for mum

I have a date for mum going in the care home,2nd of feb,going in next week to set her room up and put clothes in etc.

Does anyone know where I can get labels for my mums clothes? or what am best doing to name them?

Love Lisa.xxx

 

[jenniferpa]

I would think any shop that supplies school uniforms would have them, or a haberdashers would have the iron on tapes and the permanent pens you can write on them with. Check with the home first, though: my mother's home did this themselves as a matter of course.

 

[julieann15]

Hi
You can buy thme off the net- names is sewn on- last longer than ink? Then eithet sew of iron them onto garment-

(having lost numerous school sweatshirts- I would go for the embroidered ones)

Julie xx

 

[Skye]

Hi Lisa

John's home supply tapes too, many residents have no-one to take care of this.

I buy woven tapes from the internet. They're not expensive, and rrive within a few days. Just google woven name tapes, there are lots of sites.

I find them better than the iron-on kind. Homes wash clothing at very high temperature, and iron-on tapes tend to come off. Firmly sewn-on ones last longer, and save the hassle of chasing up lost clothing.

You could use the iron-on ones as a temporary measure, as you haven't much time, and gradually replace them. I carry a reel of cotton and a needle with me all the time!

Great that you've got a date, I hope it all goes smoothly.

Love,

 

[roundy]

Thanks for suggestions,forgot all about school labels,I use a certain website for the boys so will get on to them and order some.

Don't feel its great,I have put it off for as long as I can,now I think the home is getting a bit twitchy,beds sold etc!

Anyway running round getting clothes ready,labels etc is a good distraction from the sick feeling I have in my stomach!

Love Lisa.