My mum is settled in her care home and so things in my life are getting more on track. She has declined so much in her memory, and doesn't really know who I am, but I have got used to that, pretty much. We took her out for my birthday at the weekend and she was on good form. But the care home called to say after she got back she was really anxious and they couldn't settle her for hours. Apparently she kept wanting to go outside saying "my people are out there". The care home suggested that maybe we shouldn't take her out for long trips like this. That makes me so upset - as if she is happier in her own world and it's better for her to forget us completely. The care home is a good one and I think she is genuinely ok most of the time. So maybe it's just another mental adjustment of mine to make.
Just another stage of grief?
- Thread starter Soroptimist
- Start date
Hi @Soroptimist, just a thought but if you do take Mum out could you not arrange it so that when you take her back you could spend an hour or so with her to help her settle back into her routine? Have the care home made any suggestions on how they and your family can manage it to reduce Mum's anxiety on return? It certainly doesn't feel right on the back of one incidence of unrest that your Mum should be deprived of a day out.
Hi @Soroptimist . Im sorry your mum didnt settle well after your birthday celebrations - Im sure that must have been upsetting. Just because that was too much for her, though, doesnt mean that you might not be able to take her out at all.
When mum first went into her care home I was able to organise a birthday meal for her and took her out for the whole day, but as time went on this amount of time was too much for her and she couldnt cope with too much stimulation. I used to take her out to garden centres, visits to friends for a cup of tea, trips to the local park, pushing her along the sea front and we would often have lunch in a cafe. I always had to get her back before she got too tired, though, and as time went on the trips out became shorter and shorter. Eventually she could not even cope with going to the cafe which was almost literally next door for coffee and cake. I then used to visit her in her home and if the weather was nice we would sit out in the garden and eat ice gream.
You dont have to give up on taking her out, you see and she might not forget who you are either - mum knew who I was until the end, although she couldnt always remember my name and relationships became tricky. He face would light up every time she saw me. Just dont take her out for too long.
When mum first went into her care home I was able to organise a birthday meal for her and took her out for the whole day, but as time went on this amount of time was too much for her and she couldnt cope with too much stimulation. I used to take her out to garden centres, visits to friends for a cup of tea, trips to the local park, pushing her along the sea front and we would often have lunch in a cafe. I always had to get her back before she got too tired, though, and as time went on the trips out became shorter and shorter. Eventually she could not even cope with going to the cafe which was almost literally next door for coffee and cake. I then used to visit her in her home and if the weather was nice we would sit out in the garden and eat ice gream.
You dont have to give up on taking her out, you see and she might not forget who you are either - mum knew who I was until the end, although she couldnt always remember my name and relationships became tricky. He face would light up every time she saw me. Just dont take her out for too long.
Thank you @canary - we have had a lot of successful shorter trips out with my mum, and I definitely will carry on taking her out - she especially likes a walk and an ice-cream...
It's interesting whether or not she remembers me - she does sometimes, other times it takes her a while. Comes and goes.
It's interesting whether or not she remembers me - she does sometimes, other times it takes her a while. Comes and goes.
Like @canary I found that we had to shorten visits out of the home over time, otherwise Mum would become quite stroppy. One of the worst time was when she was trying to get out of the car while we were driving over the Burlington Skyway. Can't seem to post a pic of the bridge, so here's a link. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burlington_Bay_James_N._Allan_Skyway Yes, it was a bit scary when she was struggling with her seatbelt and saying "I'm getting out of here". But she was tired at that point, so we learned to keep the trips closer to home (we had been down to Niagara on the Lake, about an hour away from the home) and keep a sharp eye out for the first signs of fatigue.
Gradually, my mother's world contracted. We would take walks in the neighbourhood and go to the dog park. Long car trips (more than 10 minutes at the end) were out of the question, as Mum would get annoyed and agitated.
When my mother became wheelchair-bound, we would go out in the home's garden and in their common areas, which were very nice. I am grateful, though, that I was able to take her on a picnic shortly before she ended up in the wheelchair. For some reason, taking her on a picnic was very important to me and I am so glad I was able to do so.
Gradually, my mother's world contracted. We would take walks in the neighbourhood and go to the dog park. Long car trips (more than 10 minutes at the end) were out of the question, as Mum would get annoyed and agitated.
When my mother became wheelchair-bound, we would go out in the home's garden and in their common areas, which were very nice. I am grateful, though, that I was able to take her on a picnic shortly before she ended up in the wheelchair. For some reason, taking her on a picnic was very important to me and I am so glad I was able to do so.
