Hi all, I'm pretty new to this. My parents both have dementia for coming up 3 years now. Dad has alzheimer's, mom vascular dementia. I'm on my own supporting them. Money is an ongoing issue. They've lost it. They can't find it. Im not giving it to them. And now they're going to the police because they think I'm stealing it! I can't stop crying I have Financial LPA but feel like throwing in the towel. Its just all too much tonight. Sorry for dumping like this i dont know where else to turn.
Money problems
- Thread starter Maria123
- Start date
Your not alone its a common theme. The amount of money dad looses then burst into tears because he has worked all his life and why can't he have all his money in his hand now. He constantly wants to know how much he has, but he has no concept of how much it is. He has no idea of what a fiver is or what a twenty is. Then tells everyone I have spent it all.
One thing that can help when people start getting anxious about money is to have a supply of 'fake' banknotes in the house. There is some realistic fake money available via ebay, amazon etc and this can help to provide reassurance that they have money and it hasn't been lost/stolen. It is also easy to replace if it does subsequently get lost or hidden. Worth a try!
My niece told me yesterday that on the second day of a short holiday for her mother £400 disappeared. Her Mum had only bought some rock and sweets to take home so must have hidden it in the hotel room. She refused to admit this and demanded another £500 be lifted from the bank.
The result was stress and upset and niece says there will be no more holidays. Her Mum is 86 and showing early signs of dementia though undiagnosed. It is such a common theme.
The result was stress and upset and niece says there will be no more holidays. Her Mum is 86 and showing early signs of dementia though undiagnosed. It is such a common theme.
My father (PWD) phoned me one day. In the middle of the convo there was a knock on my front door. I asked my dad to wait while I got the door. I put the phone receiver (landline) to one side.
It was my daughter at the door. I can't remember why, but I had been expecting her for some reason, probably she was delivering to me something from the local shop that I'd asked her to get for me.
Daughter gone (after all of 30 secs) I went back to the phone and said that "it was only XXX". My father was livid. Accusing me of arranging for my daughter to come to my house at the time when I phoned him (HE PHONED ME!) so that I could give her his money. "How convenient!" he kept saying. "HOW convenient that she visited JUST as you phoned me!"
It was my daughter at the door. I can't remember why, but I had been expecting her for some reason, probably she was delivering to me something from the local shop that I'd asked her to get for me.
Daughter gone (after all of 30 secs) I went back to the phone and said that "it was only XXX". My father was livid. Accusing me of arranging for my daughter to come to my house at the time when I phoned him (HE PHONED ME!) so that I could give her his money. "How convenient!" he kept saying. "HOW convenient that she visited JUST as you phoned me!"
@Maria123 , you have my sympathy. My mother is always going on about how my nasty boyfriend has stolen all her money. No amount of telling her I'm the one responsible for her money, she still has it (well most of it,care home fees are expensive) and I don't have a boyfriend, just a very gentle, nice husband cuts any ice.
When she was living on her own her focus was the neighbours. She once took £500 from the bank, hid it somewhere and then called the police when she couldn't find it to say the neighbours had it. This was after she'd been around and accused them of theft. The police were great, visited, listened to mum, visited the neighbours etc. It was obvious they knew what had happened, they must get a lot of calls of a similar nature. So don't worry too much if they do call the police.
In the meantime it sounds like you could do with some support. Are any other family helping you out, and have they had an assessment from social services.
When she was living on her own her focus was the neighbours. She once took £500 from the bank, hid it somewhere and then called the police when she couldn't find it to say the neighbours had it. This was after she'd been around and accused them of theft. The police were great, visited, listened to mum, visited the neighbours etc. It was obvious they knew what had happened, they must get a lot of calls of a similar nature. So don't worry too much if they do call the police.
In the meantime it sounds like you could do with some support. Are any other family helping you out, and have they had an assessment from social services.
This is so common it is almost diagnostic.
My mum was convinced that an old and very dear friend was stealing from her - then it became that her ex-cleaner was getting in the house and stealing things, then eventually it was me stealing from her too. Once when the police picked her up after she went walkabout she was found with hundreds of pounds in cash just loose in her pockets and about another £500 in cash stuffed in her handbag. After she moved into her care home I found stashes of cash hidden away in her home.
Its a very definite dementia "thing". I think that as their understanding of money fades, they still remember that it is important to have it and are afraid of not having any. Most people of that age did not have a bank account when they were younger and used to be paid cash in a pay packet and I think that is what they are going back to. That, plus the fear of people stealing, makes them "put things away safely" so the thieves wont find it - except that they forget that they have done this which makes them even more convinced that someone is stealing their money.
My mum was convinced that an old and very dear friend was stealing from her - then it became that her ex-cleaner was getting in the house and stealing things, then eventually it was me stealing from her too. Once when the police picked her up after she went walkabout she was found with hundreds of pounds in cash just loose in her pockets and about another £500 in cash stuffed in her handbag. After she moved into her care home I found stashes of cash hidden away in her home.
Its a very definite dementia "thing". I think that as their understanding of money fades, they still remember that it is important to have it and are afraid of not having any. Most people of that age did not have a bank account when they were younger and used to be paid cash in a pay packet and I think that is what they are going back to. That, plus the fear of people stealing, makes them "put things away safely" so the thieves wont find it - except that they forget that they have done this which makes them even more convinced that someone is stealing their money.
Sorry to hear this Maria and as has been said, this is not unusual. It’s been known for us to count the contents of my Mums purse up to 6 times a visit. Try not to be too harsh on yourself, as my friend always reminds me ‘Smile and wave darling, smile and wave’
Unfortunately as other posters have said this sort of thing is pretty common. My husband and I had POA for finances for my mother-in-law . To prevent her giving cash or trying to write cheques for the carers we took away cheque books debit cards and went online so she had no bank statements.
As she stopped receiving bank statements through the post she was convinced that my husband had stolen some money from her. She got it in her head about £12,000 has gone missing in fact what had happened was my husband had taken out £12,000 from her current account and put it into her online saver. He made the mistake of mentioning it casually to her some months before. We used to get phone calls from her with her screaming down the phone about the missing £12,000. My husband decided the only way of dealing with this was to dupe her. He went online and downloaded a statement from her bank still showing the £12,000 in her current account. He printed it out and then scanned it and altered the date on the top of the statement to show today's date. He then showed her what appeared to be a current statement with money still intact this kept her calm and we never heard anymore about it.
