My mum has had dementia for at least 4 years, she’s been diagnosed for 2. She’s very uncooperative and always says she knows best for herself. Unfortunately that means omitting tablets, living in filth, stopping her cleaners, no showering for at least a year, on occasions wearing soiled clothing. For the last 18 months my brother and I have visited on alternate days and cared for her as best we can. Currently our big worry is her dog, he is her “baby” but she has stopped letting him out, feeding him, can no longer walk him. The house stinks of dog urine because he can’t get out, it’s eye watering. If we phone her to ask her to open the door for him she says it’s been open all day. We walk him once daily, ensure he’s had something to eat and has water, we have to visit anyway to try to get her to take tablets and check she’s ok. I do her washing, shopping, organise her finances, medical stuff. Paddy’s a nice dog and it’s not his fault, but the house stinks, and I think when social services visit they will say she has capacity and there’s nothing they can help with, the last CPN that visited said the filth was “a lifestyle choice”. Is there anything anyone can suggest, given she refuses to allow him to go out with a dog walker, and neither me or my brother want to have to attend x2 a day. I might add that I have extensive arthritis, an autoimmune disease and limited mobility. I also have had shingles constantly for the last two years. My brother has heart problems. Sadly, we are no longer young. I have suggested a carehome to mum -I actually think she’d prefer it, and she says she would kill herself if we make her move, and has a complete tantrum.
Thinking about a care home
- Thread starter Glokta
- Start date
Hi @Glokta
There are a few things you need to clarify ...
Is your mum self funding or looking for SS to fund a place? If she has over the savings threshold of £23,500. You will be told you can go ahead and sort what you can pay for. Not an easy thing to do, especially if your mum is unwilling. If you are looking for funding .. a thousand and one obstacles will be put in the way.
At the moment, you and your brother are sharing the caring. What wouId happen if you stopped? SS are depending on you to continue, but they won’t step in, unless you stop. I’m not suggesting you really walk away, but you could ask them what happens if you do. They will wait for a Crisis and then step in. She is a”vulnerable adult” and “the duty of care rests with them”. (These are key phrases).
If your mum has capacity, then she has the right to make her own choices. They may not be yours, but she has that right. (I’m not about to get into that debate). If she doesn’t want to wash, let the dog out or clean up. It’s her right, so long as she has capacity, to make those choices
Not taking her meds. Can you contact her GP. If you don’t have LPA for health & Welfare, the GP can’t discuss with you, but can listen. Data protection is such fun Ask her GP if they can call her in for a well woman check, ask if you can be present. Write up a note with your concern. Give the note to the GP before your mum sees them. List all your concern. All of them. Is she forgetting meds or refusing to take them. Is she sleeping ok. Is she eating. Is she drinking. Express your concern and give details of changes.
The dog. Ironically the dog has more rights and protection than your mum. Oh, what a world we live in If your mum is seeing the dog as her focus, can you “manipulate” her using this? The love lies ... something like ..I know how much you love your dog, I don’t want anything to happen, so it’s really important that we show everyone this and maybe get “Jo Bloggs” to take him out every day. Or suggest the Jo Bloggs (dog walker) is collecting the dog for you to walk, rather than Jo Bloggs being a dog walker. I’m guessing your mum is believing she is still capable and doesn’t need a dog walker
Can you see if there is a care home that do lunchtime sessions, as an introduction? Literally, just lunch. It might help your mum to see that a CH can be clean and a place to meet other people and socialise. I suspect her throwing a tantrum has much to do with believing her dog will be taken away. Is it possible to rehome the dog with someone who wouId take it to see her
Sorry, I’m a bit tired, but hopefully making some sense.
There are a few things you need to clarify ...
Is your mum self funding or looking for SS to fund a place? If she has over the savings threshold of £23,500. You will be told you can go ahead and sort what you can pay for. Not an easy thing to do, especially if your mum is unwilling. If you are looking for funding .. a thousand and one obstacles will be put in the way.
At the moment, you and your brother are sharing the caring. What wouId happen if you stopped? SS are depending on you to continue, but they won’t step in, unless you stop. I’m not suggesting you really walk away, but you could ask them what happens if you do. They will wait for a Crisis and then step in. She is a”vulnerable adult” and “the duty of care rests with them”. (These are key phrases).
If your mum has capacity, then she has the right to make her own choices. They may not be yours, but she has that right. (I’m not about to get into that debate). If she doesn’t want to wash, let the dog out or clean up. It’s her right, so long as she has capacity, to make those choices
Not taking her meds. Can you contact her GP. If you don’t have LPA for health & Welfare, the GP can’t discuss with you, but can listen. Data protection is such fun
Ask her GP if they can call her in for a well woman check, ask if you can be present. Write up a note with your concern. Give the note to the GP before your mum sees them. List all your concern. All of them. Is she forgetting meds or refusing to take them. Is she sleeping ok. Is she eating. Is she drinking. Express your concern and give details of changes. The dog. Ironically the dog has more rights and protection than your mum. Oh, what a world we live in
If your mum is seeing the dog as her focus, can you “manipulate” her using this? The love lies ... something like ..I know how much you love your dog, I don’t want anything to happen, so it’s really important that we show everyone this and maybe get “Jo Bloggs” to take him out every day. Or suggest the Jo Bloggs (dog walker) is collecting the dog for you to walk, rather than Jo Bloggs being a dog walker. I’m guessing your mum is believing she is still capable and doesn’t need a dog walkerCan you see if there is a care home that do lunchtime sessions, as an introduction? Literally, just lunch. It might help your mum to see that a CH can be clean and a place to meet other people and socialise. I suspect her throwing a tantrum has much to do with believing her dog will be taken away. Is it possible to rehome the dog with someone who wouId take it to see her
Sorry, I’m a bit tired, but hopefully making some sense.
Report the dog to the RSPCA, if they feel the dog is no longer adequately cared for they will remove him from the house.
The situation seems most unfair on the dog. Be careful about the RSPCA though as they put down around 28.9% of the animals that they 'rescue', about a third are rehomed, and they don't seem able or willing to break down the stats/give info on the rest.
The Dogs Trust would be a much better bet for rehoming, but would need the owners consent.
The Dogs Trust would be a much better bet for rehoming, but would need the owners consent.
Thanks for your replies. My mum has some capacity, at the moment it fluctuates. She’s no longer able to make decisions on a cost - benefit analysis, she can’t keep all the reasons for why she needs to do something in her head, so her decisions are knee jerk based on how she feels at that moment. She’s well aware of what care homes are like as we have spent a lot of time visiting other elderly relatives in them, including her own mum and her sister. Sadly I have no faith in the RSPCA, having reported two other people to them. Both retained control of their pets in appalling circumstances, neither animal was, however, physically abused. Just neglected. I would take Paddy if we did not have a dog of our own who is both elderly and a scrapper. Mum has a small private pension of about £200 a month, her state pension and attendance allowance. She wouldn’t be able to pay completely. She has no savings. I do, however, have LPA for both finance and health and social welfare.
I have been trying to have a life ... we moved from Derby to be near my family so that I could get support. That’s really backfired! I didn’t realise anything was wrong with her before we came back. As soon as we did I knew she had dementia, to me it was so obvious.
I have been trying to have a life ... we moved from Derby to be near my family so that I could get support. That’s really backfired! I didn’t realise anything was wrong with her before we came back. As soon as we did I knew she had dementia, to me it was so obvious.
Hi @Glokta
The financial limits for help are based on her savings. Not income. Try to get a financial assessment completed as soon as you can. You will need bank statements etc, the full list will be sent with the appointment letter
Rather than attempting a logical conversation, try variations on the truth, otherwise referred to as “love lies”. In other words, suggest a cleaner, who will be helping you (rather than her), by doing some of the work, so you can spend more time with her as a daughter
The same with the dog. Getting a dog walker means you are not too tired to do things with her
Dementia definitely benefits from KISS. Keep It Simple Silly Short sentences and no details
The financial limits for help are based on her savings. Not income. Try to get a financial assessment completed as soon as you can. You will need bank statements etc, the full list will be sent with the appointment letter
Rather than attempting a logical conversation, try variations on the truth, otherwise referred to as “love lies”. In other words, suggest a cleaner, who will be helping you (rather than her), by doing some of the work, so you can spend more time with her as a daughter
The same with the dog. Getting a dog walker means you are not too tired to do things with her
Dementia definitely benefits from KISS. Keep It Simple Silly
Short sentences and no details