Last night I had a terrible nightmare, it was so vivid and real, and in my dream, my Nick was his healthy and wonderful self, from long ago. He was leaving and going to divorce me. I was trying to convince him to stay and he was just telling me it was all over. I woke up and realized it was a dream, but while I was dreaming it was so real and I really was devastated that he wanted to leave me. I was glad he was here with me when I awoke today, and I am going to make sure we have a good day today and he has some joy....which means a long walk at some point.
I think this all came up because I went to a party Thursday night alone, I got lots of compliments and attention. And I was thinking, I have been alone but not alone for 17 years...I want to change this picture.
This morning I am very emotional and have actually been crying, something I rarely do.I know that crying is a good thing and it is OK, but I only cry about once a year. I cannot let myself get overwhelmed by sadness. It is the having to accept over and over in this slow process of his illness and that he has left me in so many ways. Most of the time I am just pragmatic, tough and carrying on through thick and thin. This dream exposes the depth of my love, which I find difficult to acknowledge. It is easier for me to forget about the wonderful man he was. I must try and honor what is left of him here and now, his innate gentlemanly-ness and kindness. I can not wish for things to be different, this is it and there is no hope for him only acceptance and making today as good as it can be.
I think this all came up because I went to a party Thursday night alone, I got lots of compliments and attention. And I was thinking, I have been alone but not alone for 17 years...I want to change this picture.
This morning I am very emotional and have actually been crying, something I rarely do.I know that crying is a good thing and it is OK, but I only cry about once a year. I cannot let myself get overwhelmed by sadness. It is the having to accept over and over in this slow process of his illness and that he has left me in so many ways. Most of the time I am just pragmatic, tough and carrying on through thick and thin. This dream exposes the depth of my love, which I find difficult to acknowledge. It is easier for me to forget about the wonderful man he was. I must try and honor what is left of him here and now, his innate gentlemanly-ness and kindness. I can not wish for things to be different, this is it and there is no hope for him only acceptance and making today as good as it can be.