Final stages of dementia

[Irishruss]

Hi one and all! My 79 year old father was diagnosed with vascular dementia two years ago. Following the breakup of my marriage I now live with my parents and help as much as possible. Dad's condition has deteriorated rapidly over the past 4 weeks and he is receiving end of life care. We have agreed that he will pass away at home. I am finding it very difficult to face my father's rapidly declining health, while supporting my mother and working 5 days a week in the prison education system .I feel guilty going to work, I feel guilty for not being there for my dad and I feel hopeless in supporting my mother. I am an only child, my grown up children find it too upsetting to deal with. What is my best way forward?
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[Izzy]

Hello @Irishruss and welcome to the forum.

I’m so sorry to read of your situation. It’s heartbreaking to face the end.

It’s so easy for me to say this, I know, but please try not to feel guilty. You can only do what you can do. I was still working full time when my mother passed away from vascular dementia and I remember how heartbreaking it was to leave for work when it was so near the end. Ultimately all we can do is to be there when we can and accept the inevitable.

I found that towards the end just sitting with my mother and holding her hand and talking to her helped me. I’m not sure how much, if anything, she could hear or understand but it helped me. I had retired by the time my husband was in his last stages of dementia so it was easier for me to spend time sitting with him in his last weeks.

Have you discussed your situation with your managers? I was a headteacher and I found my immediate managers very supportive towards the end of my mother’s life. I think it’s important for them to know what you’re going through.

Perhaps it would also be of some help to you to have a chat with someone on the Dementia Helpline. These are the details -

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-s...55.1769454811.1519233588-549088353.1488398070

They’re open until 8pm tomorrow.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Irishruss
a warm welcome from me too
sorry to read of how things are for your dad
my guess is that your mum will feel very much supported by simply having you with them when you can be .. she will understand that you must continue with your career .. which is not to say that you aren't all faced with a sad and challenging situation with no easy answers for how to cope
I wonder whether you might contact your local hospice as they may be able to offer some ideas for you
and Admiral Nurses are there to support carers, you and your mum
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/

might you chat with your dad's GP as Marie Curie nurses can provide support at end of life, after a referral the GP